Love and Babies

This is three minutes of my time.

Topic 1 - Love
Some people say love is like a ocean. You know, because its vast and seems endless. Sort of like the song, Endless Love. Sort of like that, but not really. I say love is more like a pool. An above ground pool like you had growing up because your parents wouldn’t spend the real money on an in-ground one. They pretended that your backyard was too rocky to get one, but really you were just poor or your parents were really cheap. Love is like this because there is only so much water a pool can take before it bursts. Like, you can only love someone for so long because you go completely nuts and need to get out. In this really good comparison, the pool is love and you are the water. At some point we all need to break free.

Topic 2 – Babies
Babies are little people. They don’t know how to talk yet and sometimes they think you aren’t there if you put your hands over your eyes. In this respect they are pretty stupid. They are stupid in other respects too… they don’t know that spitting up all over someone is not appropriate, or that screaming in a movie theater isn’t either. I should also add that parents are pretty stupid if they don’t realize that their baby is stupid and therefore cannot understand a movie. These parents are too cheap to spend four dollars an hour on a thirteen year old babysitter, apparently. The only thing that is really awesome about babies is that it is socially acceptable for them to wear one-piece outfits all the time (I’ve heard them called “onesies”). I guess if I had one wish, it would be that I could wear a onesie all the time. To hell with this “pants” and “shirt” nonsense. In closing, another thing that is stupid about babies is that they cannot do math at all.

Why I Haven't Blogged in a Month

or so.

Well I converted to scientology but have been trying to keep it on DL, Will Smith-style, naw mean? And they wouldn't let me blog until I had been completed audited. I'm creating new realities for people, people. NEW REALITITIESITIES. More real than anything you've experienced in your reality because I'm keeping it real, reality style. It's like, you are either in or you are out. There is no in between. Have you asked yourself if you really know what freedom is? I doubt you do. It's all about KSW. We are the authorities on getting people off drugs, we are the authorities on the mind, we are the authorities on improving conditions.

That's all I have to say.

Really Eggscellent Relationship Advice

As a person who has been involved in roughtly six hundred and fifty three failed relationships, I like to think I am an expert on relationships and of course, giving relationship advice. People come to me from like, six different cities on fourteen different continents to get my advice. Sometimes there is a language barrier. More than often, there is a language barrier. But since I do speak the language of love, things are cool. For my relationship-advice-giving business, I've built an office in my house, similar to the office that Dr. Seaver built when he re-did his office on Growing Pains. From what I remember, Dr. Seaver spent time in a real office, doing real doctor work for a little while, and when he got back to his house office with its stupid wood furniture, he felt pretty stupid for letting Maggie go back to work when we all know she should have been home with little Benjamin. So, he redid his office to look all swanky and Asian-y. My office looks like this -- swanky and Asian-y. Because that is what people want and need when they are seeking relationship advice. I know this because I did three surveys. But besides having folks come to my office for "therapie," (there is pie involved), sometimes people write me letters, and I write back (it costs a lot of money to travel to me from fourteen different continents). So, in the spirit of proving that I am skilled at what I do, here is a letter from a relationship-advice-seeker, and my very appropriate and helpful response:

Dear Lady Who Solves Life's Problems With Her Beautiful Wisdom and Equally Beautiful Face,

How can I get my husband to be more sexually attracted to me? He never wants to have sex with me. When we do, it lasts for two minutes maximum. The other aspects of our relationship are ok, except he is very stressed at work. What should I do? Thank you in advance for your wisdom and also, maybe you should post more photos of yourself on the Internet because you are very beautiful, Cindy May

Dear Cindy May,

Thank you very much for your kind words, however, I often blind people with my beauty so I will spare of that. Now, concerning your problem. Some men deal with stress by being overly sexual (sex helps them release the stress), or by not wanting sex at all. These are the kinds of things I would suggest learning about BEFORE marrying the man. If stress makes him want more sex, then bring on the stress, you know? It may be that your husband is so stressed that he just doesn't want a lot of sex. My gut feeling is that this isn't really the issue. The issue is that he is gay or has someone on the side. Since you say he rarely wants sex and it lasts only a short time, I'm going with gay. I will explain. Men who having an affair will often want more sex, and they will often want to try new positions. Men who are gay don't like women, so they aren't that interested in having sex. You see the difference here? I hate to be this way, but you are partially if not entirely to blame for this, as you probably "turned him gay." This is a phenomenon where you have become so repulsive that you alter the chemicals in your husband's brain. It's called Mygrosswifeturnedmegayitis and it's really rare, so you must be REALLY rare, if you catch my meaning.

There is not much you can do about your husband's condition. Since you caused it, I would advise just accepting it. I doubt there are any other men that would want to be with you.

All the best, though! That will be six thousand dollars.



And this, my friends, is what we call "making magic happen," and "saving lives." I live a rewarding life.

Unrequited

I'm not feeling well, so we're going to do a little rapid fire YouTube searching. Rapid fire works like this... I type in rando mcgee search terms and we check out the first thing that comes up. Yes? Yes!

1. Fried Oreos

My boys Seth and Austin teach us, not how to make fried oreos, but how to make a fried hostess cupcake AND a fried ice cream sandwich with the wrapper still on it. I like the cut of their jib. Come for the cooking lesson, stay for the weird and ridiculous voice effects. SethandAustinForever!




2. Burnables

We search in tribute to one my faves, the man, the myth, the Burnahblays. We get Pyro Chronicles 1, this weird guy (NOT Burnables) lighting things on fire and laughing like a maniac. We never get to see the guy's face, but it's fair to assume that he looks like (ie: IS) the kid who played Andrew on Family Ties, Brian Bonsall





3. polka dot boxers

Wow, a bunch of dumbass kids throw shredded paper at each other while other dumbass kids look on and cheer. Some fat teacher type walks through with a bullhorn at some point. Is this a sport I am unaware of? Shredded paper fighting? This doesn't appear to be similar to breakdance fighting. It doesn't appear to have any rules, or any point at all. Calvinball makes more sense than this nonsense. Dunderball would be more fun. And polka dot boxers has nothing to do with this crapola.




4. gigawatt

Using rapid fire youtube search as an excuse to imbed some Back to the Future (aka THE best movie of all time), I never expected to find this. This is the best YouTube discovery I have ever made... it actually edges out the Puppy Blood discovery. Giga Giga Watt Watt = song I will dance to on my wedding day. Thanks, DominicFear. Check it out.





5. sorry sack
I like saying, "stuff your sorries in a sack," a term coined by susan and later picked up by george constanza. Thus the search. I never expected to find such musical enjoyment from this simple search. You never know when you're going to discover your next great artist kids! I think I might sign him to my label. What do you guys think? Is he a good candidate for Totes Records? Yeah I know, we usually only sign sousaphone players, but this guy has potential! Real, hardcore, non-sousaphone-but-thats-ok potential? I'm going to plead his case to the board. I bid you adieu.

Reprieve

It wouldn't be a stretch to say that I'm the worst blogger of all time, and if I had any readers, I would feel bad, but I don't, so I don't.

Oprah Winfrey is going to Iowa, South Carolina and New Hampshire to give Obama a hand. Um... gross. If I ran into Rosie O'Donnell and Oprah Winfrey on the street at the same time, I would have a tough time figuring out which one to light on fire first (I mean, assuming I can only light one person on fire at a time, of course). I think I'd have to go Oprah, mostly because I think her arrogance alone is highly flammable, so the fire she would create would probably spread to O'Donnell anyway. Two birds, one stone? Check. So, people will really listen to Oprah Winfrey regarding voting for our next president? Really? The same chick that advises me to buy a refridgerator with an LCD monitor in it, and cupcakes that cost fifteen dollars each? The woman who is on the cover of her own magazine each and every month and doesn't seem realize she is the definition of conceit and bitchy nonsense? Yeah? This is my political advisor? AWESOME! I've never agreed that she should be allowed to recommend books to people, let alone presidents. It's further awesome that people might actually care what she has to say. What's next, Phil Donahue for Huckabee? Maury Povich for Kucinich? Maybe Tyra Banks should get her ass on the road for Rudy Giuliani. "I'm here to talk to you about a man. His boobs are real, girl, I've felt them. Ask no more questions about it. Do you see how I can express emotion with my eyes? See, this is happy. This is sad. Notice the difference there? In conclusion, Giuliani is one step closer to becoming America's Next Top President. ps my forehead is ridic."

I think it would be a good idea to move past talk show hosts and just have cartoon characters stump for presidential candidates. Specifically, the muppet babies.

it's just a life story, so there's no climax.

So, I don't really think of myself as appropriate. I don't really shy away from saying what I want to say, though I do refrain from the F word at work and at church. But these days there are some things I just won't say, and it's occured to me that I may be becoming appropriate in my old age. I'm getting to the point, the place where I explain what I'm talking about and why I think I may be becoming appropriate. I'm getting there, I'm getting there.

Last weekend I had lunch with my grandparents. We were talking about my grandfather's brother and blahblahblah, it occurs to me that my grandfather's niece - my mom's cousin and my godmother - never got married. And she's like, a cat chick. Stereotypical cat lady, loves her cats more than she could love any man. I don't see her a lot at all, this is why this fact suddenly occurs to me. But what I really want to know is -- DO YOU THINK SHE IS A LESBIAN??? She probably is, right? And I think if it were just my grandmother sitting there, I probably would have asked. But I actually had an inner dialogue for about 10 seconds and decided not to say it (OMG I am so appropriate). So I just said, "why do you think she never got married?" And my grandfather said, "these days people don't always want to get married." Really? Because I think I am a fairly modern woman, and I would prefer to get married over hanging out with cats all day every day for all eternity. But that's just me, I am bizarre. And then my grandmother adds that she also NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND. Wait, so she is a 40 something year old virgin??? WHAT? And yet they say this nonchalantly like it's normal to never have a boyfriend and just live with cats and never have sex. I feel like I am taking crazy pills at this point, because this is BIZARRE and I need to ask if they think she has ever had sex. But I don't, because I am appropriate and appropriate people don't ask their grandparents if they think their 40-something year old niece has never gotten it on. But I have to make sense of this, so I do by taking the firm stance (in my mind at least) that she is a lesbian.

Now I wonder if I should get in touch with her and try to get her to come out of the closet and live her life like the full fledged lesbian I know she is. I comfort myself by thinking that she has had wild lesbian affairs without anyone knowing. This would at least make her seem a bit more normal. And she plays second life where she is also a lesbian, but in her second life game she is an out lesbian. OUT AND PROUD. I'm proud of her second life that I've made up in my mind. A small part of me wonders that if I kidnapped her cats, maybe she would be brought closer to reality a bit. Then a bigger part of me gets to work plotting the kidnapping. Take the cats, replace the cats with blow up women. Later, steal the blow up women and replace them with real women. Later, let the women go home.

In conclusion, since I don't care about appropriateness here.... is my godmother a lesbian? thanks.

ain't another woman that could take your spot

I feel like I'm letting you down with my lack of posts... all three of you that read my blog. I have no choice but to admit to you that I have been distracted by love. Yes, love. A love not unlike that Columbo felt for his dog, Dog. Yes, I've adopted a small hamster, and we've been spending a lot of time together lately. His name is RunsInAWheelAlot... I like this name because it is similar to the kinds of names that Native Americans have. And RunsInAWheelAlot told me when we first met that he was a Native American in a past life. You HAVE to respect that. Otherwise RunsInaWheelAlot might scalp me in my sleep... ooohh burrnnn, don't tell him I said that. Anyway, RunsInaWheelAlot and I do a lot of fun things together. I carry him around in a Louis Vuitton bag meant for a dog, we play fetch with toothpicks, and I give him baths in an espresso cup. When he talks to me, his voice sounds a lot like Jerry Seinfeld. He doesn't tell jokes like Seinfeld does, though... I mean, Seinfeld looks around him and makes jokes about the things he sees, right? I would say that RunsInaWheelAlot is more like Carrot Top in that he really likes to use props with his jokes. Sometimes it can be a little out of hand, like the other night when he nearly impaled himself with a fork trying to do a joke about sushi. It was a close call, I was worried, but in the end, love prevailed and RunsInaWheelAlot was ok. And I guess that is all that matters in the end. In closing, just wanted to say that I am going away for a week and should be gathering a lot of material in my travels, and expect a lot of making fun of french people when I get back, as well as a brillpost on 19TH CENTURY BRIDGES.