ain't another woman that could take your spot

I feel like I'm letting you down with my lack of posts... all three of you that read my blog. I have no choice but to admit to you that I have been distracted by love. Yes, love. A love not unlike that Columbo felt for his dog, Dog. Yes, I've adopted a small hamster, and we've been spending a lot of time together lately. His name is RunsInAWheelAlot... I like this name because it is similar to the kinds of names that Native Americans have. And RunsInAWheelAlot told me when we first met that he was a Native American in a past life. You HAVE to respect that. Otherwise RunsInaWheelAlot might scalp me in my sleep... ooohh burrnnn, don't tell him I said that. Anyway, RunsInaWheelAlot and I do a lot of fun things together. I carry him around in a Louis Vuitton bag meant for a dog, we play fetch with toothpicks, and I give him baths in an espresso cup. When he talks to me, his voice sounds a lot like Jerry Seinfeld. He doesn't tell jokes like Seinfeld does, though... I mean, Seinfeld looks around him and makes jokes about the things he sees, right? I would say that RunsInaWheelAlot is more like Carrot Top in that he really likes to use props with his jokes. Sometimes it can be a little out of hand, like the other night when he nearly impaled himself with a fork trying to do a joke about sushi. It was a close call, I was worried, but in the end, love prevailed and RunsInaWheelAlot was ok. And I guess that is all that matters in the end. In closing, just wanted to say that I am going away for a week and should be gathering a lot of material in my travels, and expect a lot of making fun of french people when I get back, as well as a brillpost on 19TH CENTURY BRIDGES.

random search terms + YouTube

YouTube is a fun, sexy good time that I wish I invented. The last thing that I invented was for the invention convention back in 5th grade... when I didn't really invent anything, just came up with the concept for an invention. And it wasn't YouTube. It was this thing called the Internet. God, that was a hell of an idea... it was basically a giant laser. Anyway, today we will do something I like to call: random search terms on YouTube equal good times.

1. Search term: Dancing to the oldies

Ok, I think I meant to type in "sweating to the oldies," but there are no re-dos in this game, sorry Charlies. Ohhh but we found a gem. Random drunk white girl at some sort of late 90's dance party gets her groove on, and then some. Is that Biggie Smalls? We never see the chick's face, so I am going to go ahead and tell you that it's a young(er) Nicky - not Paris - Hilton.



2. Search term: Whores in stirrups... ok nothing came up, let's try again.

2a. Search term: ATM fees

Uh, some guy doing sign language holds up a snickers bar. There is a cardboard cutout of what I can only assume is a racecar driver. Since I am an expert at sign language, I can tell you this man feels that a snickers bar should take over Bank of America. He thinks snickers bars are good leaders and are opposed to ATM fees. This guy really has a problem with ATM fees. At the end the cardboard cutout comes to life. Is this Mannequin or a video about snickers taking over the world?? Keep it consistent, guy.



3. Search terms: chicken love

What a treat! I find a fine performance by a young man who has just discovered he is half chicken. A tour de force! I hear a sequel is in the works starring Jason Bateman... just saying, a rumor I heard. Will the chicken play basketball? Oh, it's likely. Unfortunately, I can only give this film three stars, because never once does the young man say, "Nobody... calls me chicken." If we've learned anything in this life, it is that we shall never miss an opportunity to reference Back to the Future.




4. Search terms: I know my first name is steven

Nothing from my favorite lifetime movie came up (at least, not on the first page), but this genius vid did. First impression: am I watching star wars? Second impressions: what the hell is going on here?? Have I been brainwashed by watching that? Will my phone ring in approximately seven minutes? Is Jesus on the other line?



5. Search terms: puppy blood

Now that I think about, I think that I have seen this energy drink at my local rite-aid. I was wondering what it was made of (names can be so misleading)... this spot explains a lot. Tanya Harding makes a pretty good spokesperson, I guess. She has energy. Jeff Gillooly, not so much.




Thanks for playing!!