when the five minute rule goes very very badly

sometimes i try to write on a topic for 5 mins and nothing is coming to me, or it is coming out very very badly, or i just run out of damn time. sometimes it's all three! Today I ran into some problems, but I'm not going to just pretend like it didn't happen like some kind of chump named Murray. No, I'm going to show it to you so you can point and laugh. (note: me writing this was not part of the five minutes). the five minutes started...

NOW

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sometimes whe its warm outside, or cold, or in between I'll take a walk down to the water on my break from my prestigious position at a prestigious law firm where I am often referred to "top dawg" with a w... always with a w. I'll walk down there - it takes about 4 minutes -- and sit on a bench and just think about my life, my past loves and sometimes cupcakes, like the time i had a cupcake and it tasted sort of stale. That made me mad because now I can't eat a cupcake without being really scared that it's going to be stale. Being scared a cupcake isn't exactly something to be proud of it. But I love it on that old bench.

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END

Ok my five minutes were up. Granted I was interrupted by a phone call, but the hilarity of the whole thing that is that if I asked you to guess the topic, you would probably say something like "a bench by the water." No, my topic was, "a green tshirt bearing the letters WWJD?" Didn't even get there, at all. As I started writing it, I envisioned that I would eventually run into a guy wearing that tshirt. He might of been Jesus, he may not have been, but he most likely would have turned water into wine before we parted ways.

A turkey sandwich!

And now I shall recount the time a turkey sandwich saved my life.

It was a warm winters day and I was heading to work and decided to take a shortcut across a church parking lot. I was holding my lunch, a turkey sandwich.

All of a sudden, i hear foot steps behind me, coming closer... and closer... and closer. "Why turn around," I thought to myself. "This is a church parking lot, what the heck is going to happen in the church parking lot? I mean, it's a church! You know, jesus is involved and everything." A long thought process, I realize, but that is hardly the point.

Oh yeah, the steps, and me not not turning around. Well I wasn't going to turn around but then I did because a voice said, "turn around!" I thought maybe the priest from the church had a cookie for me or something. Oh but that wasn't the case at all. I turned.

To my surprise it was a pirate holding a gun. "Why are you holding a gun?" I said. "You are a pirate, shouldn't you have a sword or something?" "Shouldn't you be scared?" the pirate, who I had quickly nicknamed Capatain Yoyo in my head, said. "I suppose you have a point," I replied.

And then the rest is a bit of a blur, but the pirate shot, and I held up my turkey sandwich. And the turkey sandwich, being bulletproof of course, blocked the bullet from entering my cold black heart. And thus my life was saved.

Afterwards, Captain Yoyo and I had a good chuckle. What a day!


INSPIRATION FOR THIS BLOG: TA

alec baldwin - second coming of christ?

Originally published April 2, 2007

remember when to calling someone a baldwin meant they were cute? me either, but the girls in clueless used that term. Now, the baldwin brothers aren't even that cute. I mean, I don't know which one is which (except for Alec, which we wll get to later) and I don't know their names (ditto other parenthesis), so I did some research. There are two others -- Stephen and Daniel? Oh wait, three others. Yes, though some people will argue that he does not exist, there is in fact a William. I will give you a quick key to remembering which one is which.

Alec - "hilarious one" or "one who was married to kim basinger, didnt end too well" or "best baldwin"

Daniel - "fat one" or "arrested often one"

William - "one known as billy" or "one married to the chick from wilson phillips (not the gastric bypass one)"

Stephen - "one with the squintiest eyes" or "one who kicked ass in usual suspects but then went downhill with biodome" or "crazy christian one"

I am ok if you want to print this out to carry around with you for reference.

It is no secret that I harbor some affection for Alec. Oh, the marital woes, the child custody battles - we all know Kim Basinger is responsible for all of this, probably because no one knows how to pronounce her name correctly and this infuriates her (base-inger, bass-inger, baseinJer, bass-inJer - who knows? but more importantly, who cares... we all know how to say Baldwin). Alec Baldwin is the funniest funnyman on the planet (see: Will & Grace, 30 Rock, him in everyday life) there should be 12 rap songs devoted to him and even more religions. Don't get me started on his humanitarianism. Don't EVEN....