Essential questions before you get married

Awhile back I received a marketing email from a guy who had a book of dating advice. I blogged about it and inserted my own advice. I'm pretty sure I moved it over here, so if you feel like looking for it, props. Major ones. It's one of my best, really. So, clearly I am an expert on dating. Look at me, come on. But did you know I am also an expert on marriage? Yes! I've seen it all, my friends.

A friend of mine is getting married soon and is doing the whole pre-cana thing. For those of you who are not aware, wikipedia defines pre-cana as "a course or consultation Catholic couples must undergo before they can be married in a Catholic church." Fine. Part of this is asking the essential questions we all must find out before we get married. Now, I have no clue what questions the catholic church says you should ask. I do know what questions Oprah* says you should ask. And I will even help you figure out what the answers mean for your relationship You will thank me later my little porkchops.

OPRAH*, WHO HASN'T BEEN MARRIED SAYS YOU SHOULD ASK EACH OTHER THESE 5 QUESTIONS*:


How do you feel about getting a poland spring dispenser for the kitchen?

Huge. Maker/breaker. If your partner doesn't want a dispenser, he or she is most likely hiding homosexual tendencies from you. Seriously, you marry someone who doesn't want the dispenser and in five years you will be talking to Matt Lauer about your partners foot tapping. If your partner does want a dispenser, but a different brand of water, then this person is just some sort of freakshow. And I would be 77% sure that this person is also a cutter. Poland Spring has been bringing people together since 1845 and I would seriously recommend that you not forget that.


Do you have HIV?

Wow, I'm really not sure why this question is here. If you are engaged and don't know the answer to this question, you might be having some communication problems. I mean, I am a very open person. Nine times out of ten my first question to a potential suitor is if he has HIV. But don't believe people the first time you ask. Ask them a few times and see if you get the same answer. Ask in sneaky ways. Like, your partner will say to you, "do you want white or wheat bread?" and you can reply, "Not sure, but, you have AIDs, right" You might catch them off guard and get the real answer, which is more than likely YES. This is the 90's people, let's get with it, ok?


What is your opinion on the dress that Molly Ringwald wore at the prom in the classic 80's film Pretty in Pink?

Again, this one is CRITICAL and should be used to determine mental stability/detect mental illness in your significant other. The dress that read-haired Ringwald wore in the film was basically a pink polka dotted trash bag. It was not stylish for the 80's or any other period of time, except MAYBE in the alternate 1955 but I seriously doubt it. If your partner appreciates this dress, you should not only end it right then and there, you should think about having them committed. You might want to tear out their eyeballs with a fork and then light them on fire, though (easier).


If I were to have sex with someone else in the bathroom of a dive bar, would that be considered cheating?

Everyone has different rules for constitutes "cheating." For example, flirting with another person is considered a form of cheating by some. Going to a strip club is another example of an activity that is frowned upon. Masturbating while talking to another person via webcam. Posting ads on craigslist for sex during lunch. I can go on. The point is that, yes, this is an excellent question to ask, because everyone's definition of cheating is different. A good rule to follow: if you have another person's ejaculate on you, you probably did something wrong. Also, you can't hire a prostitute for your husband or wife and then later claim they cheated. That's just not fair.


Are you going to get fat?
Nobody wants to get married and then have their partner gain 200 pounds and then go on the Biggest Loser so everyone at work can make fun of them. Yes, if your partner wins, you get some money, but the mental image of them walking around shirtless and in spandex will stick with you (and your co-workers) a lot longer than $150,000. So, that's that, but really, no one can really answer this question without yes, you guessed it, jumping in the delorean. So you have to answer this question for yourself. Look at the person: do they look like they have the fat gene? How many people in their family are fat? Feed your partner like 13 donuts a day for a week and see what the weight gain looks like. Only then can you proceed... but I would proceed with caution.


FINALMENTE

This blog was inspired by Tara, who is the queen of pre-cana.


* I'm lying, of course. Oprah is not affiliated with this blog, this topic, or me in any way. She was a bitch about that James Frey thing, though.