Originally published February 15, 2007
dear t bojangles -
this open letter is in response to your open letter, which i have not read. well i do and have admitted my faults, i believe that you have painted me into a proverbial corner, my friend. i believe that justice will not be served until i paint myself out of this proverbial corner with some sort of device that gets people out of proverbial corners. FURTHERMORE, i think that classic tv got it right in saying :
"you take the good
you take the bad
you take them both
and there you have
the facts of life
the facts of life"
i think we can learn a lot from these words and i think you should heed them, my friend, HEED THESE WORDS. they will get you out of tough spots in life, like, oh, being painted into a proverbial corner. and you are very very welcome for that, bojangles. you are welcome indeed. i think that if we learned anything today, we learned that building a fort in a tree is not as easy as it looks, and if we didn't learn anything today, it's that chocolate flavored lip balm will not please everyone.
goodnight and goodluck,
mvg
Showing posts with label hoes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hoes. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
i've had enough of
Originally published June 27, 2007
1. Zach Braff. Haven't we all, though? Remember that 30 seconds that I thought Garden State was a good movie? Me either. Oh Zach Braff, you are sooo deep. Only you can bring down the God that is Jason Bateman with that crap movie you put out this summer for 5 minutes. Scrubs is good because of everyone BUT Braff and even that show's time has past, way. Now that he's crying like a little bitch because the New York media is calling him out for introducing himself to women by grabbing their asses aka being the king of all douches, what happens? I have to hear his ugly annoying little voice on the Wendy's commercials. Disgusting. Fuck you, Zach Braff, and your strange looking face.
2. Hells Kitchen. Still, with the wellington and the rissoto and the goddamn lobster spaghetti? Still?? Granted the show is lucky that there is nothing even close to the hotness that is Sam on Top Chef this year. Ramsey is hot, yet, I'm over it.
3. Actors playing themselves in movies and getting hailed as genius. Hey, what's up Seth Rogen? You know, if we met, I'm pretty sure we would get along fine, I dig your sense of humor because, I don't know, you play YOURSELF in every movie you are in - that would a very quick, funny, pothead. Some crack addicts over IMDB are saying "wow, this is the same guy from 40 year old virgin? He seems totally different!" Uh, are these your PR people? Cuz it's the same guy... ditto with You, Me, Dupree and Your Mom. I love Seth Rogen by the way, I think it's more that I really want to get paid to play myself in a movie. It's all jealousy, people.
4. Not being married to a funny jewish man. I'm looking at Jon Stewart, Ben Stiller, Paul Rudd -- yeah, I'm looking at all of you. Why am I not married to any of you? You know what I haven't had enough of? Funny jewish men, like Jon Stewart, Ben Stiller and Paul Rudd. Why call them jewish instead of just men? Funny you should ask. I'm racist/prejudiced. And really, it's because they do it. All of the time - like, for example, that time that I ran into Rudd in the West Village, and I said, "Excuse me," (he had stepped on my toe). He replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I was just standing here being funny and jewish, and not to mention, very hipster-like -- did I mention that I live right here in the Village? -- and happened to slam my little midget foot on your toe." This just adds to their charm and is also why I totally have not had enough of them. Obviously anyone who creates the masterpiece known as Zoolander deserves my continuing love and support. Hears to you, Stiller. Hears to you indeed. (Get it - hears? Me either, I just mispelled here's)
5. Gossip blogs except for the following: Dlisted, JustJared, Perez, Gawker, and TMZ. Oh, you think that is a lot? Check the motherf-ing blog roll on TMZ, bitches. There are more gossip blogs than boys named "Mitchem" at a Star Trek convention. Here is the rule and if you don't like it, don't have a gossip blog -- if you do not update your blog every 5-6 minutes, you lose me. I'm lost like freakin Matthew Fox on Party of Five (HA! You thought I was going to say Lost but I didn't, oh man, did I get you). I am definitely a gossip blog reader that you want to "have." No one can say "ohmigod Jesse Metcalf is sooooo not gay, people! Hiz like soo hot as John Tucker" in the comments section like me.
And just so you know that I am not just negatory... stuff I am loving right now:
1. High technology, never low. Love the gadgets. Go go gadget krzr phone, go go gadget bluetooth headset, go go gadget lamp.
2. The movie "The Baxter," and Michael Showalter in general. The Baxter is just so fucking ridiculous and features Justin Theroux breakdancing (FOR REALZ, no stunt doubles for that badass), and Michael Ian Black dressed in next to nothing (big surprise - his wife is named - GET THIS - STELLA) Rudd and Wain cameo.
3. Lean Cuisine "Spa something or other" meals. Fucking delish. The stuff is made with whole grains or some nonsense. I say to the box "YOU'RE whole grains." You know?
byeeeeeeeeee
1. Zach Braff. Haven't we all, though? Remember that 30 seconds that I thought Garden State was a good movie? Me either. Oh Zach Braff, you are sooo deep. Only you can bring down the God that is Jason Bateman with that crap movie you put out this summer for 5 minutes. Scrubs is good because of everyone BUT Braff and even that show's time has past, way. Now that he's crying like a little bitch because the New York media is calling him out for introducing himself to women by grabbing their asses aka being the king of all douches, what happens? I have to hear his ugly annoying little voice on the Wendy's commercials. Disgusting. Fuck you, Zach Braff, and your strange looking face.
2. Hells Kitchen. Still, with the wellington and the rissoto and the goddamn lobster spaghetti? Still?? Granted the show is lucky that there is nothing even close to the hotness that is Sam on Top Chef this year. Ramsey is hot, yet, I'm over it.
3. Actors playing themselves in movies and getting hailed as genius. Hey, what's up Seth Rogen? You know, if we met, I'm pretty sure we would get along fine, I dig your sense of humor because, I don't know, you play YOURSELF in every movie you are in - that would a very quick, funny, pothead. Some crack addicts over IMDB are saying "wow, this is the same guy from 40 year old virgin? He seems totally different!" Uh, are these your PR people? Cuz it's the same guy... ditto with You, Me, Dupree and Your Mom. I love Seth Rogen by the way, I think it's more that I really want to get paid to play myself in a movie. It's all jealousy, people.
4. Not being married to a funny jewish man. I'm looking at Jon Stewart, Ben Stiller, Paul Rudd -- yeah, I'm looking at all of you. Why am I not married to any of you? You know what I haven't had enough of? Funny jewish men, like Jon Stewart, Ben Stiller and Paul Rudd. Why call them jewish instead of just men? Funny you should ask. I'm racist/prejudiced. And really, it's because they do it. All of the time - like, for example, that time that I ran into Rudd in the West Village, and I said, "Excuse me," (he had stepped on my toe). He replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I was just standing here being funny and jewish, and not to mention, very hipster-like -- did I mention that I live right here in the Village? -- and happened to slam my little midget foot on your toe." This just adds to their charm and is also why I totally have not had enough of them. Obviously anyone who creates the masterpiece known as Zoolander deserves my continuing love and support. Hears to you, Stiller. Hears to you indeed. (Get it - hears? Me either, I just mispelled here's)
5. Gossip blogs except for the following: Dlisted, JustJared, Perez, Gawker, and TMZ. Oh, you think that is a lot? Check the motherf-ing blog roll on TMZ, bitches. There are more gossip blogs than boys named "Mitchem" at a Star Trek convention. Here is the rule and if you don't like it, don't have a gossip blog -- if you do not update your blog every 5-6 minutes, you lose me. I'm lost like freakin Matthew Fox on Party of Five (HA! You thought I was going to say Lost but I didn't, oh man, did I get you). I am definitely a gossip blog reader that you want to "have." No one can say "ohmigod Jesse Metcalf is sooooo not gay, people! Hiz like soo hot as John Tucker" in the comments section like me.
And just so you know that I am not just negatory... stuff I am loving right now:
1. High technology, never low. Love the gadgets. Go go gadget krzr phone, go go gadget bluetooth headset, go go gadget lamp.
2. The movie "The Baxter," and Michael Showalter in general. The Baxter is just so fucking ridiculous and features Justin Theroux breakdancing (FOR REALZ, no stunt doubles for that badass), and Michael Ian Black dressed in next to nothing (big surprise - his wife is named - GET THIS - STELLA) Rudd and Wain cameo.
3. Lean Cuisine "Spa something or other" meals. Fucking delish. The stuff is made with whole grains or some nonsense. I say to the box "YOU'RE whole grains." You know?
byeeeeeeeeee
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