Essential questions before you get married

Awhile back I received a marketing email from a guy who had a book of dating advice. I blogged about it and inserted my own advice. I'm pretty sure I moved it over here, so if you feel like looking for it, props. Major ones. It's one of my best, really. So, clearly I am an expert on dating. Look at me, come on. But did you know I am also an expert on marriage? Yes! I've seen it all, my friends.

A friend of mine is getting married soon and is doing the whole pre-cana thing. For those of you who are not aware, wikipedia defines pre-cana as "a course or consultation Catholic couples must undergo before they can be married in a Catholic church." Fine. Part of this is asking the essential questions we all must find out before we get married. Now, I have no clue what questions the catholic church says you should ask. I do know what questions Oprah* says you should ask. And I will even help you figure out what the answers mean for your relationship You will thank me later my little porkchops.

OPRAH*, WHO HASN'T BEEN MARRIED SAYS YOU SHOULD ASK EACH OTHER THESE 5 QUESTIONS*:


How do you feel about getting a poland spring dispenser for the kitchen?

Huge. Maker/breaker. If your partner doesn't want a dispenser, he or she is most likely hiding homosexual tendencies from you. Seriously, you marry someone who doesn't want the dispenser and in five years you will be talking to Matt Lauer about your partners foot tapping. If your partner does want a dispenser, but a different brand of water, then this person is just some sort of freakshow. And I would be 77% sure that this person is also a cutter. Poland Spring has been bringing people together since 1845 and I would seriously recommend that you not forget that.


Do you have HIV?

Wow, I'm really not sure why this question is here. If you are engaged and don't know the answer to this question, you might be having some communication problems. I mean, I am a very open person. Nine times out of ten my first question to a potential suitor is if he has HIV. But don't believe people the first time you ask. Ask them a few times and see if you get the same answer. Ask in sneaky ways. Like, your partner will say to you, "do you want white or wheat bread?" and you can reply, "Not sure, but, you have AIDs, right" You might catch them off guard and get the real answer, which is more than likely YES. This is the 90's people, let's get with it, ok?


What is your opinion on the dress that Molly Ringwald wore at the prom in the classic 80's film Pretty in Pink?

Again, this one is CRITICAL and should be used to determine mental stability/detect mental illness in your significant other. The dress that read-haired Ringwald wore in the film was basically a pink polka dotted trash bag. It was not stylish for the 80's or any other period of time, except MAYBE in the alternate 1955 but I seriously doubt it. If your partner appreciates this dress, you should not only end it right then and there, you should think about having them committed. You might want to tear out their eyeballs with a fork and then light them on fire, though (easier).


If I were to have sex with someone else in the bathroom of a dive bar, would that be considered cheating?

Everyone has different rules for constitutes "cheating." For example, flirting with another person is considered a form of cheating by some. Going to a strip club is another example of an activity that is frowned upon. Masturbating while talking to another person via webcam. Posting ads on craigslist for sex during lunch. I can go on. The point is that, yes, this is an excellent question to ask, because everyone's definition of cheating is different. A good rule to follow: if you have another person's ejaculate on you, you probably did something wrong. Also, you can't hire a prostitute for your husband or wife and then later claim they cheated. That's just not fair.


Are you going to get fat?
Nobody wants to get married and then have their partner gain 200 pounds and then go on the Biggest Loser so everyone at work can make fun of them. Yes, if your partner wins, you get some money, but the mental image of them walking around shirtless and in spandex will stick with you (and your co-workers) a lot longer than $150,000. So, that's that, but really, no one can really answer this question without yes, you guessed it, jumping in the delorean. So you have to answer this question for yourself. Look at the person: do they look like they have the fat gene? How many people in their family are fat? Feed your partner like 13 donuts a day for a week and see what the weight gain looks like. Only then can you proceed... but I would proceed with caution.


FINALMENTE

This blog was inspired by Tara, who is the queen of pre-cana.


* I'm lying, of course. Oprah is not affiliated with this blog, this topic, or me in any way. She was a bitch about that James Frey thing, though.

landlords are nerve-a-licious

And also funny.

So, someone puts an ad up on craigslist for an apartment, and includes pictures. Except, instead of putting up pictures of the apartment, the brilliant person puts up pictures of the view from the apartment, or local scenary. I loved the person who put up a pic of the UBS building in Stamford, like that is doing to draw me to the apartment. It's near the UBS building! Snap, I'm in, I don't care that it's 280 squarefoot studio that I'm renting for three grand a month. I don't even know how the apartment is related to the UBS building, but I don't care: there is a picture of the UBS building in the ad.

Also amusing is when people think I want to live in an apartment without a kitchen. Oh, the apartment has a great living room, great bathroom, great bedroom, but no kitchen. That will be 4 grand please. Oh, but it's ok because the sweet landlord will let me have a microwave, or perhaps a hot plate. Well that's freakin great, because as an adult, the only cooking I do involves a microwave. Who needs a fridge, I have a goddamn hot plate. What is this, an apartment, or prison? Is the toilet in the middle of the living room or what? What the heck?

for the love of aimee

My Aimee (totes a bff) insists I write about hemorrhoids because she is a large pain in my ass, no pun intended (OR WAS IT?).

(By the way, as I did my quick research on this topic, I found a banner that says, "aromatherapy: it makes scents" and immediately decided to start using bad fragrance puns along with the word scents instead of sense. The fact that you smell like BO even though you just showered? Makes no SCENTS to me. AAAAHAHAHAHA!)

Anyway, here we go. I'm about to bring this blog into a new realm. Yeah, I'm going to go there. You didn't think I would, did you? Well, we here. we. are. KIDS, COVER YOUR EARS..er, eyes. You know what, cover your asses just to be safe.....

So, to answer the question that popped into your mind when I mentioned hemorrhoids, NO! What is, does anal sex cause hemorrhoids?

Source: http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sextaboos/0,,jdgc,00.html

3. Anal sex is harmful and unhealthy.
Many women fear that anal sex will cause hemorrhoids, fissures or tears. Some even fear that they may become incontinent and spend the rest of their lives in adult diapers. Pleasurable anal sex does not cause harm to your anus or rectum. And as long as your partner does not have a sexually transmitted infection, neither semen nor sperm are harmful to your rectum.

If you are not sure about the sexually transmitted disease status of your partner, use a lubricated latex or polyurethane condom during anal sex. Avoid condoms with spermicides -- they may cause irritation of the sensitive anal and rectal tissues.

I'm here for you guys, people. I'm here. Also, if you click that link, you can learn about more myths about the good 'ol anal mcgee. Good luck with that.

Dunkin Donuts is dead to me

Well, Dunkin Donuts has gone and done the most idiotic thing you could ever imagine. This isn't exactly "new" news, but it's new to me, so thus, this. Dunkin Donuts, the king/queen of the strange egg-type substance, is making personal sized pizzas. Because the brilliant marketing folks over there understand that there is nothing I want more when I am drinking a big hot cup coffee than a personal pizza. From a donut place. hmmm. AND GET THIS, THEY AREN'T EVEN PIZZA BAGELS!!!!!!!

Dunkin Donuts is mostly a right coast kind of joint, and I'm not sure if my fellow northeasters have noticed, but the pizza here is pretty a not too a shabby. Hey guys, its 4am, should we get pizza from Pugsley's or Dunkin Donuts?? No brainer, totes the Dunkin. Give me give me more give me more give more fake sauce. Give me give me more give me more give me more prebaked microwaved crust. All I can do for youis conclude that I would rather be locked in a room with 400 Claymates than eat a pizza from Dunkin Donuts. I would rather chill out with Carol "Aikenitis" Channing.

The only thing that would impress me right now is if Dunkin Donuts made pizzas out of, uh, hello, DONUTS. Donut pizza, guys, come on. Wait, isn't that fried dough? Drat, foiled again...

"totes"

"totes" is commonly used as a synonym for "totally." It is a whole two letters shorter, thus shaves about 4 seconds off my day by using it. "totes" is also the name of a popular commenter on bwe.tv. let me be clear that totes is totes not gross.

Aikenitis

Awhile back I told you about Fozziebearitis, this disease that a small number of men get, including Ryan Reynolds. Well, that isn't the only -itis that affects men. There is actually a far worse affliction, and it is Aikenitis.

Aikenitis starts when a man gets an uncontrollable desire to style his hair like Kathryn Dawn Lang, known to some as KD Lang. Before he knows it, this man is showing men on the Internet his woowoo and wangwang via his camera that is glued to his phone (aka his "camera phone). Then this KD Lang-haired, woowoowangwang-showing man is doing nitrous like it's nobody's business, his face is swelling up like someone who has eaten two jars of pickles and weird things happen to his eyebrows. You might question me, but all of these are, in fact, symptoms of Aikenitis. And I'm afraid it's fatal. The life threatening, and most disturbing, symptom of Aikenitis is disappearing teeth. Yeah, the man's teeth get smaller and smaller until their gums explode. This is when they die. It may be an old wives tale, but I've heard of a few ways that a man can prevent Aikenitis. One, don't pretend to not be gay and then hire male prostitutes at every stop of your tour. Two, don't become friends with anyone named Carol. And three, stop using weird styling gels on your KD Lang hair and start using a little on your eyebrows.

I can't think of anything to write about

I am so not inspired today.

I have been wanting everyone to know how much I dislike canned soup. What is the deal with canned soup? It tastes like chemicals to me. But there is a whole wall of canned soup at the store, so someone must be drinking the stuff. Are you? What is the appeal? Why is canned soup so much thicker than homemade soup? Is there some kind of gwargum or similar type of gummy substance put inside the soup in order to keep it preserved? It's totes gross. And the soup companies have the most insane flavors of gross thick gwargummy soup: cheeseburger pot roast soup, for example. Macaroni and cheese soup with matzo balls. Doritos soup. And what the heck is fat free clam chowder??? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? hello? CREAM? ditto for fat free bleu cheese. What the heck can that even be made out of???? ITS BLASPHEMY PEOPLE! ugh canned soup and weird fat free food items are my enemy.