Love and Babies

This is three minutes of my time.

Topic 1 - Love
Some people say love is like a ocean. You know, because its vast and seems endless. Sort of like the song, Endless Love. Sort of like that, but not really. I say love is more like a pool. An above ground pool like you had growing up because your parents wouldn’t spend the real money on an in-ground one. They pretended that your backyard was too rocky to get one, but really you were just poor or your parents were really cheap. Love is like this because there is only so much water a pool can take before it bursts. Like, you can only love someone for so long because you go completely nuts and need to get out. In this really good comparison, the pool is love and you are the water. At some point we all need to break free.

Topic 2 – Babies
Babies are little people. They don’t know how to talk yet and sometimes they think you aren’t there if you put your hands over your eyes. In this respect they are pretty stupid. They are stupid in other respects too… they don’t know that spitting up all over someone is not appropriate, or that screaming in a movie theater isn’t either. I should also add that parents are pretty stupid if they don’t realize that their baby is stupid and therefore cannot understand a movie. These parents are too cheap to spend four dollars an hour on a thirteen year old babysitter, apparently. The only thing that is really awesome about babies is that it is socially acceptable for them to wear one-piece outfits all the time (I’ve heard them called “onesies”). I guess if I had one wish, it would be that I could wear a onesie all the time. To hell with this “pants” and “shirt” nonsense. In closing, another thing that is stupid about babies is that they cannot do math at all.

Why I Haven't Blogged in a Month

or so.

Well I converted to scientology but have been trying to keep it on DL, Will Smith-style, naw mean? And they wouldn't let me blog until I had been completed audited. I'm creating new realities for people, people. NEW REALITITIESITIES. More real than anything you've experienced in your reality because I'm keeping it real, reality style. It's like, you are either in or you are out. There is no in between. Have you asked yourself if you really know what freedom is? I doubt you do. It's all about KSW. We are the authorities on getting people off drugs, we are the authorities on the mind, we are the authorities on improving conditions.

That's all I have to say.

Really Eggscellent Relationship Advice

As a person who has been involved in roughtly six hundred and fifty three failed relationships, I like to think I am an expert on relationships and of course, giving relationship advice. People come to me from like, six different cities on fourteen different continents to get my advice. Sometimes there is a language barrier. More than often, there is a language barrier. But since I do speak the language of love, things are cool. For my relationship-advice-giving business, I've built an office in my house, similar to the office that Dr. Seaver built when he re-did his office on Growing Pains. From what I remember, Dr. Seaver spent time in a real office, doing real doctor work for a little while, and when he got back to his house office with its stupid wood furniture, he felt pretty stupid for letting Maggie go back to work when we all know she should have been home with little Benjamin. So, he redid his office to look all swanky and Asian-y. My office looks like this -- swanky and Asian-y. Because that is what people want and need when they are seeking relationship advice. I know this because I did three surveys. But besides having folks come to my office for "therapie," (there is pie involved), sometimes people write me letters, and I write back (it costs a lot of money to travel to me from fourteen different continents). So, in the spirit of proving that I am skilled at what I do, here is a letter from a relationship-advice-seeker, and my very appropriate and helpful response:

Dear Lady Who Solves Life's Problems With Her Beautiful Wisdom and Equally Beautiful Face,

How can I get my husband to be more sexually attracted to me? He never wants to have sex with me. When we do, it lasts for two minutes maximum. The other aspects of our relationship are ok, except he is very stressed at work. What should I do? Thank you in advance for your wisdom and also, maybe you should post more photos of yourself on the Internet because you are very beautiful, Cindy May

Dear Cindy May,

Thank you very much for your kind words, however, I often blind people with my beauty so I will spare of that. Now, concerning your problem. Some men deal with stress by being overly sexual (sex helps them release the stress), or by not wanting sex at all. These are the kinds of things I would suggest learning about BEFORE marrying the man. If stress makes him want more sex, then bring on the stress, you know? It may be that your husband is so stressed that he just doesn't want a lot of sex. My gut feeling is that this isn't really the issue. The issue is that he is gay or has someone on the side. Since you say he rarely wants sex and it lasts only a short time, I'm going with gay. I will explain. Men who having an affair will often want more sex, and they will often want to try new positions. Men who are gay don't like women, so they aren't that interested in having sex. You see the difference here? I hate to be this way, but you are partially if not entirely to blame for this, as you probably "turned him gay." This is a phenomenon where you have become so repulsive that you alter the chemicals in your husband's brain. It's called Mygrosswifeturnedmegayitis and it's really rare, so you must be REALLY rare, if you catch my meaning.

There is not much you can do about your husband's condition. Since you caused it, I would advise just accepting it. I doubt there are any other men that would want to be with you.

All the best, though! That will be six thousand dollars.



And this, my friends, is what we call "making magic happen," and "saving lives." I live a rewarding life.

Unrequited

I'm not feeling well, so we're going to do a little rapid fire YouTube searching. Rapid fire works like this... I type in rando mcgee search terms and we check out the first thing that comes up. Yes? Yes!

1. Fried Oreos

My boys Seth and Austin teach us, not how to make fried oreos, but how to make a fried hostess cupcake AND a fried ice cream sandwich with the wrapper still on it. I like the cut of their jib. Come for the cooking lesson, stay for the weird and ridiculous voice effects. SethandAustinForever!




2. Burnables

We search in tribute to one my faves, the man, the myth, the Burnahblays. We get Pyro Chronicles 1, this weird guy (NOT Burnables) lighting things on fire and laughing like a maniac. We never get to see the guy's face, but it's fair to assume that he looks like (ie: IS) the kid who played Andrew on Family Ties, Brian Bonsall





3. polka dot boxers

Wow, a bunch of dumbass kids throw shredded paper at each other while other dumbass kids look on and cheer. Some fat teacher type walks through with a bullhorn at some point. Is this a sport I am unaware of? Shredded paper fighting? This doesn't appear to be similar to breakdance fighting. It doesn't appear to have any rules, or any point at all. Calvinball makes more sense than this nonsense. Dunderball would be more fun. And polka dot boxers has nothing to do with this crapola.




4. gigawatt

Using rapid fire youtube search as an excuse to imbed some Back to the Future (aka THE best movie of all time), I never expected to find this. This is the best YouTube discovery I have ever made... it actually edges out the Puppy Blood discovery. Giga Giga Watt Watt = song I will dance to on my wedding day. Thanks, DominicFear. Check it out.





5. sorry sack
I like saying, "stuff your sorries in a sack," a term coined by susan and later picked up by george constanza. Thus the search. I never expected to find such musical enjoyment from this simple search. You never know when you're going to discover your next great artist kids! I think I might sign him to my label. What do you guys think? Is he a good candidate for Totes Records? Yeah I know, we usually only sign sousaphone players, but this guy has potential! Real, hardcore, non-sousaphone-but-thats-ok potential? I'm going to plead his case to the board. I bid you adieu.

Reprieve

It wouldn't be a stretch to say that I'm the worst blogger of all time, and if I had any readers, I would feel bad, but I don't, so I don't.

Oprah Winfrey is going to Iowa, South Carolina and New Hampshire to give Obama a hand. Um... gross. If I ran into Rosie O'Donnell and Oprah Winfrey on the street at the same time, I would have a tough time figuring out which one to light on fire first (I mean, assuming I can only light one person on fire at a time, of course). I think I'd have to go Oprah, mostly because I think her arrogance alone is highly flammable, so the fire she would create would probably spread to O'Donnell anyway. Two birds, one stone? Check. So, people will really listen to Oprah Winfrey regarding voting for our next president? Really? The same chick that advises me to buy a refridgerator with an LCD monitor in it, and cupcakes that cost fifteen dollars each? The woman who is on the cover of her own magazine each and every month and doesn't seem realize she is the definition of conceit and bitchy nonsense? Yeah? This is my political advisor? AWESOME! I've never agreed that she should be allowed to recommend books to people, let alone presidents. It's further awesome that people might actually care what she has to say. What's next, Phil Donahue for Huckabee? Maury Povich for Kucinich? Maybe Tyra Banks should get her ass on the road for Rudy Giuliani. "I'm here to talk to you about a man. His boobs are real, girl, I've felt them. Ask no more questions about it. Do you see how I can express emotion with my eyes? See, this is happy. This is sad. Notice the difference there? In conclusion, Giuliani is one step closer to becoming America's Next Top President. ps my forehead is ridic."

I think it would be a good idea to move past talk show hosts and just have cartoon characters stump for presidential candidates. Specifically, the muppet babies.

it's just a life story, so there's no climax.

So, I don't really think of myself as appropriate. I don't really shy away from saying what I want to say, though I do refrain from the F word at work and at church. But these days there are some things I just won't say, and it's occured to me that I may be becoming appropriate in my old age. I'm getting to the point, the place where I explain what I'm talking about and why I think I may be becoming appropriate. I'm getting there, I'm getting there.

Last weekend I had lunch with my grandparents. We were talking about my grandfather's brother and blahblahblah, it occurs to me that my grandfather's niece - my mom's cousin and my godmother - never got married. And she's like, a cat chick. Stereotypical cat lady, loves her cats more than she could love any man. I don't see her a lot at all, this is why this fact suddenly occurs to me. But what I really want to know is -- DO YOU THINK SHE IS A LESBIAN??? She probably is, right? And I think if it were just my grandmother sitting there, I probably would have asked. But I actually had an inner dialogue for about 10 seconds and decided not to say it (OMG I am so appropriate). So I just said, "why do you think she never got married?" And my grandfather said, "these days people don't always want to get married." Really? Because I think I am a fairly modern woman, and I would prefer to get married over hanging out with cats all day every day for all eternity. But that's just me, I am bizarre. And then my grandmother adds that she also NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND. Wait, so she is a 40 something year old virgin??? WHAT? And yet they say this nonchalantly like it's normal to never have a boyfriend and just live with cats and never have sex. I feel like I am taking crazy pills at this point, because this is BIZARRE and I need to ask if they think she has ever had sex. But I don't, because I am appropriate and appropriate people don't ask their grandparents if they think their 40-something year old niece has never gotten it on. But I have to make sense of this, so I do by taking the firm stance (in my mind at least) that she is a lesbian.

Now I wonder if I should get in touch with her and try to get her to come out of the closet and live her life like the full fledged lesbian I know she is. I comfort myself by thinking that she has had wild lesbian affairs without anyone knowing. This would at least make her seem a bit more normal. And she plays second life where she is also a lesbian, but in her second life game she is an out lesbian. OUT AND PROUD. I'm proud of her second life that I've made up in my mind. A small part of me wonders that if I kidnapped her cats, maybe she would be brought closer to reality a bit. Then a bigger part of me gets to work plotting the kidnapping. Take the cats, replace the cats with blow up women. Later, steal the blow up women and replace them with real women. Later, let the women go home.

In conclusion, since I don't care about appropriateness here.... is my godmother a lesbian? thanks.

ain't another woman that could take your spot

I feel like I'm letting you down with my lack of posts... all three of you that read my blog. I have no choice but to admit to you that I have been distracted by love. Yes, love. A love not unlike that Columbo felt for his dog, Dog. Yes, I've adopted a small hamster, and we've been spending a lot of time together lately. His name is RunsInAWheelAlot... I like this name because it is similar to the kinds of names that Native Americans have. And RunsInAWheelAlot told me when we first met that he was a Native American in a past life. You HAVE to respect that. Otherwise RunsInaWheelAlot might scalp me in my sleep... ooohh burrnnn, don't tell him I said that. Anyway, RunsInaWheelAlot and I do a lot of fun things together. I carry him around in a Louis Vuitton bag meant for a dog, we play fetch with toothpicks, and I give him baths in an espresso cup. When he talks to me, his voice sounds a lot like Jerry Seinfeld. He doesn't tell jokes like Seinfeld does, though... I mean, Seinfeld looks around him and makes jokes about the things he sees, right? I would say that RunsInaWheelAlot is more like Carrot Top in that he really likes to use props with his jokes. Sometimes it can be a little out of hand, like the other night when he nearly impaled himself with a fork trying to do a joke about sushi. It was a close call, I was worried, but in the end, love prevailed and RunsInaWheelAlot was ok. And I guess that is all that matters in the end. In closing, just wanted to say that I am going away for a week and should be gathering a lot of material in my travels, and expect a lot of making fun of french people when I get back, as well as a brillpost on 19TH CENTURY BRIDGES.

I invented the piano key necktie... I INVENTED IT

I haven't said anything about this because I don't feel like "starting something," or "filing a lawsuit," but I created a character awhile back, and it was stolen from me and used on a television program that is quite popular these days (what is it, like 1998 or something?).

A couple years ago, I had a decent working relationship with this guy David Shore. Some might tell you he wanted to take it to another level with me. Some would be wrong. However, we used to drink like, five or six pint glasses of tequila every day and just share our thoughts. Sometimes we would share our dreams, sometimes we would pretend to be chickens. This is really neither here nor there. But getting that drunk causes me to open up to the Shoredog in ways that I never would sober. I confessed to him that I had an excellent idea for a recurring character in a novel. A doc that would walk with a cane, eat vicodin like tictacs and define the word SNARK. Witty and brilliant but mean as hell. He could diagnose diseases like no one's business. And he was also a superhero on the side, he could fly but only between the hours of 2 and 3 am, and he could light people on fire but that would require a lot of concentration so he wouldn't do it that much (maybe once per novel). His name would be Alan Home.

A good idea, right? The Shoredog thought so, and he encouraged me to pitch my idea all over town (we were in Wichita, Kansas at the time). A few weeks later, we parted ways, promising to write each other a handwritten postcard each week we were apart. We did, for awhile, but then the postcards became few and far between, and the Shorester became a distant memory. Sad, but gave me the opportunity to ask myself, "Wonder what that old bastard David Shore is up to these days." I always did want to say that.

Imagine my surprise when, a couple years later, a new show on Fox features, yes, the character that I created. And who is listed as the creator of the show, but the freakin Shoredog! I kid you not. And the idiot left off all the best parts (superhero, flying, fire), and then changed the guy's name to Greg House. And while Shorey McGee is now rich and powerful (I think he bought a third world nation or something), I am poor and homeless... still clinging to an imaginary Alan Home every night when I curl up in my cardboard box. THANKS A LOT DAVID SHORE.

I can haz yawnz?

Why do we yawn? Oh why oh why oh why, indeed. If you are telling me a story and I yawn in the middle of it, does it mean I am not interested? No. Well, I'm probably not interested, but the yawn does not reflect that. Recently I went to a lecture on yawning. The lecture-er-er, a man name Kirby McDirbyington*, was trying to tell me and the other four senior citizens present that we yawn in order to "cool off" our brains. He threw fire at me. I yawned while stopping, dropping and rolling. Then, he threw ice at me. I did not yawn... how could I? I was busy leaping behind desks and old people in order to avoid the glaciers of ice being thrown at me. This, he said, proves that overheating causes people to yawn. A valid argument? Of course it is!! I have jumped on the McDirbyton bandwangon in ways that you wouldn't believe. McDirbyington t-shirts, coffee mugs, a car with a special "yawning is for hotties" bumper sticker. Obama/McDirbyington 08. Need I say more?


*Nope


Post inspired by Three Repute

UPCOMING 5 MIN RULE TOPICS

Yawning (tomorrow)

House (the day after that)

EDIT: some jerky jerk thought this means I'm going to be spending more than five minutes on each one... no no. I'm just planning to put aside five mins for each over the next couple of days. TOTES YES? totes.

Essential questions before you get married

Awhile back I received a marketing email from a guy who had a book of dating advice. I blogged about it and inserted my own advice. I'm pretty sure I moved it over here, so if you feel like looking for it, props. Major ones. It's one of my best, really. So, clearly I am an expert on dating. Look at me, come on. But did you know I am also an expert on marriage? Yes! I've seen it all, my friends.

A friend of mine is getting married soon and is doing the whole pre-cana thing. For those of you who are not aware, wikipedia defines pre-cana as "a course or consultation Catholic couples must undergo before they can be married in a Catholic church." Fine. Part of this is asking the essential questions we all must find out before we get married. Now, I have no clue what questions the catholic church says you should ask. I do know what questions Oprah* says you should ask. And I will even help you figure out what the answers mean for your relationship You will thank me later my little porkchops.

OPRAH*, WHO HASN'T BEEN MARRIED SAYS YOU SHOULD ASK EACH OTHER THESE 5 QUESTIONS*:


How do you feel about getting a poland spring dispenser for the kitchen?

Huge. Maker/breaker. If your partner doesn't want a dispenser, he or she is most likely hiding homosexual tendencies from you. Seriously, you marry someone who doesn't want the dispenser and in five years you will be talking to Matt Lauer about your partners foot tapping. If your partner does want a dispenser, but a different brand of water, then this person is just some sort of freakshow. And I would be 77% sure that this person is also a cutter. Poland Spring has been bringing people together since 1845 and I would seriously recommend that you not forget that.


Do you have HIV?

Wow, I'm really not sure why this question is here. If you are engaged and don't know the answer to this question, you might be having some communication problems. I mean, I am a very open person. Nine times out of ten my first question to a potential suitor is if he has HIV. But don't believe people the first time you ask. Ask them a few times and see if you get the same answer. Ask in sneaky ways. Like, your partner will say to you, "do you want white or wheat bread?" and you can reply, "Not sure, but, you have AIDs, right" You might catch them off guard and get the real answer, which is more than likely YES. This is the 90's people, let's get with it, ok?


What is your opinion on the dress that Molly Ringwald wore at the prom in the classic 80's film Pretty in Pink?

Again, this one is CRITICAL and should be used to determine mental stability/detect mental illness in your significant other. The dress that read-haired Ringwald wore in the film was basically a pink polka dotted trash bag. It was not stylish for the 80's or any other period of time, except MAYBE in the alternate 1955 but I seriously doubt it. If your partner appreciates this dress, you should not only end it right then and there, you should think about having them committed. You might want to tear out their eyeballs with a fork and then light them on fire, though (easier).


If I were to have sex with someone else in the bathroom of a dive bar, would that be considered cheating?

Everyone has different rules for constitutes "cheating." For example, flirting with another person is considered a form of cheating by some. Going to a strip club is another example of an activity that is frowned upon. Masturbating while talking to another person via webcam. Posting ads on craigslist for sex during lunch. I can go on. The point is that, yes, this is an excellent question to ask, because everyone's definition of cheating is different. A good rule to follow: if you have another person's ejaculate on you, you probably did something wrong. Also, you can't hire a prostitute for your husband or wife and then later claim they cheated. That's just not fair.


Are you going to get fat?
Nobody wants to get married and then have their partner gain 200 pounds and then go on the Biggest Loser so everyone at work can make fun of them. Yes, if your partner wins, you get some money, but the mental image of them walking around shirtless and in spandex will stick with you (and your co-workers) a lot longer than $150,000. So, that's that, but really, no one can really answer this question without yes, you guessed it, jumping in the delorean. So you have to answer this question for yourself. Look at the person: do they look like they have the fat gene? How many people in their family are fat? Feed your partner like 13 donuts a day for a week and see what the weight gain looks like. Only then can you proceed... but I would proceed with caution.


FINALMENTE

This blog was inspired by Tara, who is the queen of pre-cana.


* I'm lying, of course. Oprah is not affiliated with this blog, this topic, or me in any way. She was a bitch about that James Frey thing, though.

landlords are nerve-a-licious

And also funny.

So, someone puts an ad up on craigslist for an apartment, and includes pictures. Except, instead of putting up pictures of the apartment, the brilliant person puts up pictures of the view from the apartment, or local scenary. I loved the person who put up a pic of the UBS building in Stamford, like that is doing to draw me to the apartment. It's near the UBS building! Snap, I'm in, I don't care that it's 280 squarefoot studio that I'm renting for three grand a month. I don't even know how the apartment is related to the UBS building, but I don't care: there is a picture of the UBS building in the ad.

Also amusing is when people think I want to live in an apartment without a kitchen. Oh, the apartment has a great living room, great bathroom, great bedroom, but no kitchen. That will be 4 grand please. Oh, but it's ok because the sweet landlord will let me have a microwave, or perhaps a hot plate. Well that's freakin great, because as an adult, the only cooking I do involves a microwave. Who needs a fridge, I have a goddamn hot plate. What is this, an apartment, or prison? Is the toilet in the middle of the living room or what? What the heck?

for the love of aimee

My Aimee (totes a bff) insists I write about hemorrhoids because she is a large pain in my ass, no pun intended (OR WAS IT?).

(By the way, as I did my quick research on this topic, I found a banner that says, "aromatherapy: it makes scents" and immediately decided to start using bad fragrance puns along with the word scents instead of sense. The fact that you smell like BO even though you just showered? Makes no SCENTS to me. AAAAHAHAHAHA!)

Anyway, here we go. I'm about to bring this blog into a new realm. Yeah, I'm going to go there. You didn't think I would, did you? Well, we here. we. are. KIDS, COVER YOUR EARS..er, eyes. You know what, cover your asses just to be safe.....

So, to answer the question that popped into your mind when I mentioned hemorrhoids, NO! What is, does anal sex cause hemorrhoids?

Source: http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sextaboos/0,,jdgc,00.html

3. Anal sex is harmful and unhealthy.
Many women fear that anal sex will cause hemorrhoids, fissures or tears. Some even fear that they may become incontinent and spend the rest of their lives in adult diapers. Pleasurable anal sex does not cause harm to your anus or rectum. And as long as your partner does not have a sexually transmitted infection, neither semen nor sperm are harmful to your rectum.

If you are not sure about the sexually transmitted disease status of your partner, use a lubricated latex or polyurethane condom during anal sex. Avoid condoms with spermicides -- they may cause irritation of the sensitive anal and rectal tissues.

I'm here for you guys, people. I'm here. Also, if you click that link, you can learn about more myths about the good 'ol anal mcgee. Good luck with that.

Dunkin Donuts is dead to me

Well, Dunkin Donuts has gone and done the most idiotic thing you could ever imagine. This isn't exactly "new" news, but it's new to me, so thus, this. Dunkin Donuts, the king/queen of the strange egg-type substance, is making personal sized pizzas. Because the brilliant marketing folks over there understand that there is nothing I want more when I am drinking a big hot cup coffee than a personal pizza. From a donut place. hmmm. AND GET THIS, THEY AREN'T EVEN PIZZA BAGELS!!!!!!!

Dunkin Donuts is mostly a right coast kind of joint, and I'm not sure if my fellow northeasters have noticed, but the pizza here is pretty a not too a shabby. Hey guys, its 4am, should we get pizza from Pugsley's or Dunkin Donuts?? No brainer, totes the Dunkin. Give me give me more give me more give more fake sauce. Give me give me more give me more give me more prebaked microwaved crust. All I can do for youis conclude that I would rather be locked in a room with 400 Claymates than eat a pizza from Dunkin Donuts. I would rather chill out with Carol "Aikenitis" Channing.

The only thing that would impress me right now is if Dunkin Donuts made pizzas out of, uh, hello, DONUTS. Donut pizza, guys, come on. Wait, isn't that fried dough? Drat, foiled again...

"totes"

"totes" is commonly used as a synonym for "totally." It is a whole two letters shorter, thus shaves about 4 seconds off my day by using it. "totes" is also the name of a popular commenter on bwe.tv. let me be clear that totes is totes not gross.

Aikenitis

Awhile back I told you about Fozziebearitis, this disease that a small number of men get, including Ryan Reynolds. Well, that isn't the only -itis that affects men. There is actually a far worse affliction, and it is Aikenitis.

Aikenitis starts when a man gets an uncontrollable desire to style his hair like Kathryn Dawn Lang, known to some as KD Lang. Before he knows it, this man is showing men on the Internet his woowoo and wangwang via his camera that is glued to his phone (aka his "camera phone). Then this KD Lang-haired, woowoowangwang-showing man is doing nitrous like it's nobody's business, his face is swelling up like someone who has eaten two jars of pickles and weird things happen to his eyebrows. You might question me, but all of these are, in fact, symptoms of Aikenitis. And I'm afraid it's fatal. The life threatening, and most disturbing, symptom of Aikenitis is disappearing teeth. Yeah, the man's teeth get smaller and smaller until their gums explode. This is when they die. It may be an old wives tale, but I've heard of a few ways that a man can prevent Aikenitis. One, don't pretend to not be gay and then hire male prostitutes at every stop of your tour. Two, don't become friends with anyone named Carol. And three, stop using weird styling gels on your KD Lang hair and start using a little on your eyebrows.

I can't think of anything to write about

I am so not inspired today.

I have been wanting everyone to know how much I dislike canned soup. What is the deal with canned soup? It tastes like chemicals to me. But there is a whole wall of canned soup at the store, so someone must be drinking the stuff. Are you? What is the appeal? Why is canned soup so much thicker than homemade soup? Is there some kind of gwargum or similar type of gummy substance put inside the soup in order to keep it preserved? It's totes gross. And the soup companies have the most insane flavors of gross thick gwargummy soup: cheeseburger pot roast soup, for example. Macaroni and cheese soup with matzo balls. Doritos soup. And what the heck is fat free clam chowder??? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? hello? CREAM? ditto for fat free bleu cheese. What the heck can that even be made out of???? ITS BLASPHEMY PEOPLE! ugh canned soup and weird fat free food items are my enemy.

MY LYRICS ARE BOTTOMLESS

I've totes become convinced that the people that comment on BWE.tv are the best people on earth (also the bloggers there are pretty fancy, too). I would suggest that the people who comment on bwe.tv should head off to a private island and start a new country of awesomeness. I would be the secretary of defense, yet walk around yelling "I believe in peace, bitch," whenever anyone says anything to me, ever. So that's that.

Life becomes a joke within a joke within a joke when you're just hanging out in someone's kitchen and they have a vile of coke in their drawer next to the bread knife. Something is wrong with you if you stock coke like I like stock vitamin water. Trust.

What is it called when you wake up after being totally hammered, but you aren't hung over, you feel ok, but you aren't quite still drunk. You are in some kind of crazy notdrunkbutnotsober sort of a haze. Well, going forward it's going to be called Totes Syndrome. Because it totes is my life.

Ok, none of this has been the five minute bit of nonsense. The five minute bit of nonsense is on bloggers. Why do bloggers write what they do? Because everyone wants their opinion to be heard on whatever random topic they are passionate about. Like me and my Sousaphone blog. I am all about the sousaphone and I want the world to know everything that I know about the sousaphone, and hopefully, start some kind of sousaphone army in the future. Because, let's face it, the sousaphone army is the only army that is going to be able to beat the army of tubas. So this is the underlying reason for why the sousaphone blog exists. I am thinking about the future of the world, people. So, yes, clearly I have given it a lot of thought and have provided a valid argument that people blog in order to start armys. I think, too, that a smaller population of bloggers blog because they are just plain old douchebags. So... army-former or douchebag. Pick.

the thing about jim and pam

I never understand how someone can really like someone for a long period of time and never tell them. Even if that person is engaged, taken or whatever. Everyone needs to know they have options. Like Jim and Pam for example. Jim was in love with Pam and waited like 800 years to tell her. He tells her, and she rejects him. Ok, but THEN Pam calls off her wedding. Jim doesn't even call her and be like, "yo, what's up, did you break off your engagement for me OR WHAT, yo?" Nope. He just moves off to Stamford and says nothing. Later, Pam is into Jim. Instead of saying something, like, I don't know, "I broke off my engagement for you," she says nothing. She just talks wildly about getting enough sleep and how sleep is good. Finally, she runs through some hot coals and sort of tells him. Now, I don't know how this all ends yet because the show is premiering tonight. What I do know is that if I am into someone, god damnit, I am going to tell them. And I hope people are smart enought to do the same in their lives. Geez, go after what you want, hm? I don't want to be at my wedding reception and find out that Paul Rudd had a thing for me all these years. It really wouldn't be good. In closing, people are stupid for keeping their feelings inside. Life is too short. And I will not write about relationships again. Thank you, good luck and god speed.

Meeting someone online

Look, at least when someone you have met in person before asks you out, you know they must find you somewhat attractive. After all, they've seen you. In person. And are now asking you out. The whole meeting someone online and then going on a date thing is just a hot mess because a photo tells nothing. A photo tells nothing of my fourth arm and 49th toe. A few emails tells nothing of how truly insane I am in person. And people never tell you what you really need to know in order to tell if you like them. Like, when you drove by those kids this morning, you thought briefly of stopping and offering them candy, didn't you? But you didn't do it, and that makes you a good person -- dateable. Normally when you meet someone from online, they are 200 years older and have eight hundred cats hanging from them. Because people lie, people. Another problem with the online thing is that something like 88 percent of people have no idea how to write a sentence. But they can probably speak. They might speak well. I'll never find out because they can't write a sentence. You know? In closing, I don't want to go out with someone who has never seen me before. Stalk me, then ask me out. That's all I am asking for. Thank you.