it's just a life story, so there's no climax.

So, I don't really think of myself as appropriate. I don't really shy away from saying what I want to say, though I do refrain from the F word at work and at church. But these days there are some things I just won't say, and it's occured to me that I may be becoming appropriate in my old age. I'm getting to the point, the place where I explain what I'm talking about and why I think I may be becoming appropriate. I'm getting there, I'm getting there.

Last weekend I had lunch with my grandparents. We were talking about my grandfather's brother and blahblahblah, it occurs to me that my grandfather's niece - my mom's cousin and my godmother - never got married. And she's like, a cat chick. Stereotypical cat lady, loves her cats more than she could love any man. I don't see her a lot at all, this is why this fact suddenly occurs to me. But what I really want to know is -- DO YOU THINK SHE IS A LESBIAN??? She probably is, right? And I think if it were just my grandmother sitting there, I probably would have asked. But I actually had an inner dialogue for about 10 seconds and decided not to say it (OMG I am so appropriate). So I just said, "why do you think she never got married?" And my grandfather said, "these days people don't always want to get married." Really? Because I think I am a fairly modern woman, and I would prefer to get married over hanging out with cats all day every day for all eternity. But that's just me, I am bizarre. And then my grandmother adds that she also NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND. Wait, so she is a 40 something year old virgin??? WHAT? And yet they say this nonchalantly like it's normal to never have a boyfriend and just live with cats and never have sex. I feel like I am taking crazy pills at this point, because this is BIZARRE and I need to ask if they think she has ever had sex. But I don't, because I am appropriate and appropriate people don't ask their grandparents if they think their 40-something year old niece has never gotten it on. But I have to make sense of this, so I do by taking the firm stance (in my mind at least) that she is a lesbian.

Now I wonder if I should get in touch with her and try to get her to come out of the closet and live her life like the full fledged lesbian I know she is. I comfort myself by thinking that she has had wild lesbian affairs without anyone knowing. This would at least make her seem a bit more normal. And she plays second life where she is also a lesbian, but in her second life game she is an out lesbian. OUT AND PROUD. I'm proud of her second life that I've made up in my mind. A small part of me wonders that if I kidnapped her cats, maybe she would be brought closer to reality a bit. Then a bigger part of me gets to work plotting the kidnapping. Take the cats, replace the cats with blow up women. Later, steal the blow up women and replace them with real women. Later, let the women go home.

In conclusion, since I don't care about appropriateness here.... is my godmother a lesbian? thanks.

ain't another woman that could take your spot

I feel like I'm letting you down with my lack of posts... all three of you that read my blog. I have no choice but to admit to you that I have been distracted by love. Yes, love. A love not unlike that Columbo felt for his dog, Dog. Yes, I've adopted a small hamster, and we've been spending a lot of time together lately. His name is RunsInAWheelAlot... I like this name because it is similar to the kinds of names that Native Americans have. And RunsInAWheelAlot told me when we first met that he was a Native American in a past life. You HAVE to respect that. Otherwise RunsInaWheelAlot might scalp me in my sleep... ooohh burrnnn, don't tell him I said that. Anyway, RunsInaWheelAlot and I do a lot of fun things together. I carry him around in a Louis Vuitton bag meant for a dog, we play fetch with toothpicks, and I give him baths in an espresso cup. When he talks to me, his voice sounds a lot like Jerry Seinfeld. He doesn't tell jokes like Seinfeld does, though... I mean, Seinfeld looks around him and makes jokes about the things he sees, right? I would say that RunsInaWheelAlot is more like Carrot Top in that he really likes to use props with his jokes. Sometimes it can be a little out of hand, like the other night when he nearly impaled himself with a fork trying to do a joke about sushi. It was a close call, I was worried, but in the end, love prevailed and RunsInaWheelAlot was ok. And I guess that is all that matters in the end. In closing, just wanted to say that I am going away for a week and should be gathering a lot of material in my travels, and expect a lot of making fun of french people when I get back, as well as a brillpost on 19TH CENTURY BRIDGES.