I eat frozen meals, ok? Because it's easier and also cheaper than preparing a lunch or buying a lunch. I usually buy whatever is one sales - Lean Cuine, Smart Ones, Healthy Choice, Stouffers, whatev. I freakin hate Healthy Choice, not because the meals don't taste ok -- they do -- but because the makers insist on putting some psuedo dessert on the side. Like baked peaches. Just give me some more of the pasta or whatever it is, don't give me crappy baked peaches. I would never eat baked peaches in my regular life, why must you shove them down my throat in my frozen meal? WHY? Did you do some survey where the overwhelming response was "yes! people love baked peaches!" Because I have never in my life met anyone who would really want HOT FRUIT on the side of pasta. I don't really think I want to meet anyone who does; I would probably hate these people. They are ruining my lunch. So in conclusion, HOT PEACHES??? REALLY??
Inspiration : lunch
Friday, August 31, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
facebook!
I am part of one too many social networking sites. Oh yeah, I am a big networker. So I was wary about joining facebook. What if there are people that don't want to be my friend? What if I can't network properly? The layout of the site isn't very intuitive, you can't join your college network with a college email address (uh, I'm not IN college anymore), it's all totally random. But I'd like to tell you why this site has won me over. So I will. The people. Specifically, the people on facebook are way better than myspace or whatever else. The reason? Some genius started a group called "Bring Back Monocles." And there are many members! What? At first I was a bit disappointed that someone stole my thunder -- I'm the one who owns two monocles! I am the one who has been fighting to bring back monocles for years! But then I realized that these people are my soulmates. These are the people I have been looking for all of my life. And so it has to become the social networking site of choice. FACEBOOK! (that was a semi-cheer there at the end)
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Deposit money in the ATM
Like, just give it away. Put it in the ATM, hope somebody finds it. Most likely it will be some random bank teller, but didn't you always want an excuse to wear your "I Just Made a Bank Teller's Day" tshirt?
Monday, August 27, 2007
the starter hub
Who in the world would get married to someone they didn't intend on spending the rest of their life with?
I guess more than one person, because I read a whole article about this while on the train the other day. The starter husband.
The subtitle on the article is "You’d never buy a car without test-driving it first, right? So why settle into a lifelong marriage before trying one on for size?" Yeah, let's compare marriage to buying a car. That makes a whole lot of sense. Yay women's magazines!
So what's this all about? Women who get married in their mid twenties, and then divorce before 30. Women who were unsure going into the marriage. But really value the experience. They really do. It really helps them in their relationships to come.
Granted, I have been married a few times, but never divorced so I could never fall into the same category as these women. Just because the men I marry happen to die doesn't mean I am like them. And it doesn't help me in my relationships to come because people are increasingly following me. People with badges.
I guess that this article makes me want to confess... oh my time is up.
I guess more than one person, because I read a whole article about this while on the train the other day. The starter husband.
The subtitle on the article is "You’d never buy a car without test-driving it first, right? So why settle into a lifelong marriage before trying one on for size?" Yeah, let's compare marriage to buying a car. That makes a whole lot of sense. Yay women's magazines!
So what's this all about? Women who get married in their mid twenties, and then divorce before 30. Women who were unsure going into the marriage. But really value the experience. They really do. It really helps them in their relationships to come.
Granted, I have been married a few times, but never divorced so I could never fall into the same category as these women. Just because the men I marry happen to die doesn't mean I am like them. And it doesn't help me in my relationships to come because people are increasingly following me. People with badges.
I guess that this article makes me want to confess... oh my time is up.
Friday, August 24, 2007
PIMP SOMETHING OUT in five minutes!
I have this stream of consciousness kind of random way to go about things at times, or sometimes, or never. If you saw the first chapters of the thing that I'm working on, shopping around, pitching - whatever you choose - you would see that I maybe perhaps in some ways in some other world have the ability to write something from within myself, instead of insisting upon making everything useless yammer.
I don't know what any of the above means. What I do know that I love writers. And I also know that it is time for me to PIMP SOMETHING OUT in 5 minutes.
There is this piece of writing -- an Internet novel if you will -- that one of my favorite things in the world. A comedy horror novel. It is so great because it is hilarious and crazy and random but yet so well written and CREATIVE and smart and I can go on and on. Writers like this don't come along that often, where you might actually believe they wrote a whole novel off the top of their head and it was brilliant. Ok that doesn't even happen, but the flow of this thing is beautiful. It's quirky, though, and not for the faint of heart or the holier-than-thou.
The thing that sold me as I read this, this CREATION on my computer screen after stumbling on it accidently was a single line. The line just sums up for me what is great about this writer.
"She burst into snakes."
Just a line that makes you think "whaaa? AWESOME!" and totally unexpected. And that is what you will say to yourself continuously as you read it. Oh and sorry to spoil it for you but
John Dies at the End.
I don't know what any of the above means. What I do know that I love writers. And I also know that it is time for me to PIMP SOMETHING OUT in 5 minutes.
There is this piece of writing -- an Internet novel if you will -- that one of my favorite things in the world. A comedy horror novel. It is so great because it is hilarious and crazy and random but yet so well written and CREATIVE and smart and I can go on and on. Writers like this don't come along that often, where you might actually believe they wrote a whole novel off the top of their head and it was brilliant. Ok that doesn't even happen, but the flow of this thing is beautiful. It's quirky, though, and not for the faint of heart or the holier-than-thou.
The thing that sold me as I read this, this CREATION on my computer screen after stumbling on it accidently was a single line. The line just sums up for me what is great about this writer.
"She burst into snakes."
Just a line that makes you think "whaaa? AWESOME!" and totally unexpected. And that is what you will say to yourself continuously as you read it. Oh and sorry to spoil it for you but
John Dies at the End.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
5 mins on obsessions, PHOTO-TIZED!
I don't just like things, I like them until I pop. Or roll. Or get arrested for stalking.
Not the guy, the monocle! DUH. I've been trying to bring these back into style for the last 13, 14 years. It's happening slowly but surely. EVERYONE looks great in a monocle!
The greatest detective of all time. Was it the coat, the cigar, or something much much more? We can never know the secrets to his mystique, but what we do know is he is definitely smarter than any fifth grader I know.
Um, well its argyle that I love, actually, but now that I've seen this... um, is this argyle pants? Well I'm totally into it! Argyle pants it is!
How do you think I'm doing all of this in 5 mins? ps im running out of time.
once there was a god and he made a man that was better than all the other men. that man's nam was THE RUDD. and his green eyes are made of emeralds and his smile is made of gold.
wow that was close.
Not the guy, the monocle! DUH. I've been trying to bring these back into style for the last 13, 14 years. It's happening slowly but surely. EVERYONE looks great in a monocle!
The greatest detective of all time. Was it the coat, the cigar, or something much much more? We can never know the secrets to his mystique, but what we do know is he is definitely smarter than any fifth grader I know.
Um, well its argyle that I love, actually, but now that I've seen this... um, is this argyle pants? Well I'm totally into it! Argyle pants it is!
How do you think I'm doing all of this in 5 mins? ps im running out of time.
once there was a god and he made a man that was better than all the other men. that man's nam was THE RUDD. and his green eyes are made of emeralds and his smile is made of gold.
wow that was close.
POST INSPIRED BY: melis... topic: "the random shit you are obsessed with"
a letter to joe-joe's
Dear Joe-Joe's,
Sometimes when I am at my desk at work in the afternoon, I want a little something sweet. This is why I bought you when I was at Trader Joe's the other day. You are cookies. Like Oreo's, but without trans-fat. I really do not give a flying giraffe about trans-fat, but I like the way you taste. Here is the problem: you are a bit too aggressive. Every two seconds I feel like you are literally jumping inside of my mouth. You are cookies, remember, not carrots. I'm started to think maybe you should have a food change and become carrots... I know, I know, I went there and I shouldn't have. It is not up to me to judge your appearance or calorie content. But in the same regard, it is not fair for you to display yourself so prominently on my desk. Even when I moved you to the floor, you somehow found your way back onto the desk. I thought we had the same life goals -- to give me a little treat in the afternoon. But I see I'm sadly mistaken. The afternoon is not 8am, 10am and noon. The afternoon is not 7pm, 9pm and 11pm. Yes, I double checked and those times are definitely not the afternoon. So, while I do blame you for making me feel like a 2 ton gorilla, I promise to not hold a grude in the future. As long as you get the f off my desk... stat.
Regards,
MVG, esquire
INSPIRATION FOR THIS POST: Mike, my colleague, and of course, JOE-JOE'S. Topic was Joe-Joe's.
Sometimes when I am at my desk at work in the afternoon, I want a little something sweet. This is why I bought you when I was at Trader Joe's the other day. You are cookies. Like Oreo's, but without trans-fat. I really do not give a flying giraffe about trans-fat, but I like the way you taste. Here is the problem: you are a bit too aggressive. Every two seconds I feel like you are literally jumping inside of my mouth. You are cookies, remember, not carrots. I'm started to think maybe you should have a food change and become carrots... I know, I know, I went there and I shouldn't have. It is not up to me to judge your appearance or calorie content. But in the same regard, it is not fair for you to display yourself so prominently on my desk. Even when I moved you to the floor, you somehow found your way back onto the desk. I thought we had the same life goals -- to give me a little treat in the afternoon. But I see I'm sadly mistaken. The afternoon is not 8am, 10am and noon. The afternoon is not 7pm, 9pm and 11pm. Yes, I double checked and those times are definitely not the afternoon. So, while I do blame you for making me feel like a 2 ton gorilla, I promise to not hold a grude in the future. As long as you get the f off my desk... stat.
Regards,
MVG, esquire
INSPIRATION FOR THIS POST: Mike, my colleague, and of course, JOE-JOE'S. Topic was Joe-Joe's.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
when the five minute rule goes very very badly
sometimes i try to write on a topic for 5 mins and nothing is coming to me, or it is coming out very very badly, or i just run out of damn time. sometimes it's all three! Today I ran into some problems, but I'm not going to just pretend like it didn't happen like some kind of chump named Murray. No, I'm going to show it to you so you can point and laugh. (note: me writing this was not part of the five minutes). the five minutes started...
NOW
______________________________________________
sometimes whe its warm outside, or cold, or in between I'll take a walk down to the water on my break from my prestigious position at a prestigious law firm where I am often referred to "top dawg" with a w... always with a w. I'll walk down there - it takes about 4 minutes -- and sit on a bench and just think about my life, my past loves and sometimes cupcakes, like the time i had a cupcake and it tasted sort of stale. That made me mad because now I can't eat a cupcake without being really scared that it's going to be stale. Being scared a cupcake isn't exactly something to be proud of it. But I love it on that old bench.
____________________________________________________
END
Ok my five minutes were up. Granted I was interrupted by a phone call, but the hilarity of the whole thing that is that if I asked you to guess the topic, you would probably say something like "a bench by the water." No, my topic was, "a green tshirt bearing the letters WWJD?" Didn't even get there, at all. As I started writing it, I envisioned that I would eventually run into a guy wearing that tshirt. He might of been Jesus, he may not have been, but he most likely would have turned water into wine before we parted ways.
NOW
______________________________________________
sometimes whe its warm outside, or cold, or in between I'll take a walk down to the water on my break from my prestigious position at a prestigious law firm where I am often referred to "top dawg" with a w... always with a w. I'll walk down there - it takes about 4 minutes -- and sit on a bench and just think about my life, my past loves and sometimes cupcakes, like the time i had a cupcake and it tasted sort of stale. That made me mad because now I can't eat a cupcake without being really scared that it's going to be stale. Being scared a cupcake isn't exactly something to be proud of it. But I love it on that old bench.
____________________________________________________
END
Ok my five minutes were up. Granted I was interrupted by a phone call, but the hilarity of the whole thing that is that if I asked you to guess the topic, you would probably say something like "a bench by the water." No, my topic was, "a green tshirt bearing the letters WWJD?" Didn't even get there, at all. As I started writing it, I envisioned that I would eventually run into a guy wearing that tshirt. He might of been Jesus, he may not have been, but he most likely would have turned water into wine before we parted ways.
five minute family album
though i value my privacy on the Internet, i thought i'd give you a little peek into my world... my family...
my precious daughter.
needless to say, as soon as she turns 12, it's straight to plastic surgeon...
my grandma
Three seconds after this smirk, she had disemboweld a cheetah. not pretty (sort of like my daughter).
gramps. people say i get my smile from him. i say thats just the kind of flattery i don't need in my life.
the bottle from that time i traveled back to 1955... and then went to japan.
POST INSPIRED BY: deb... actual topic i was supposed to be writing on was: flickr.
my precious daughter.
needless to say, as soon as she turns 12, it's straight to plastic surgeon...
my grandma
Three seconds after this smirk, she had disemboweld a cheetah. not pretty (sort of like my daughter).
gramps. people say i get my smile from him. i say thats just the kind of flattery i don't need in my life.
my loving husband, may god bless his soul forevermore, for it was this very washer that took his life that crazy summer day back in the mid to late 90's (gee, when was that?)
and of course, me. i kept saying i was having a fat day but looking at me, i look quite svelte.
and then a bonus!
the bottle from that time i traveled back to 1955... and then went to japan. POST INSPIRED BY: deb... actual topic i was supposed to be writing on was: flickr.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Dean
Recent news leaves me thinking of this person I grew up with on good old Death Knolls Road near the corn field. His name was Dean.
Dean was always dressed up like Superman. When we were four, it was no big deal. When we were ten, it seemed a little strange. By the time we were sixteen, well, let’s just say his parents were taking tours of the local mental hospitals.
But Dean said he just felt a special connection to Superman.
Junior year I started spending more time with him because he had entered a Clark Kent phase and looked semi-normal most of the time. He only spoke of krypton every once in awhile. He seemed to be on a good track, and we did a lot together.
Then one day, the hurricane came. Oh, it was windy that day. Cows flying through the air like you wouldn’t believe. Corn literally husked in the air. Dean and I thought it would be fun to take our kite, Kitty Kite, out and watch it REALLY fly.
All I know is that one minute I’m standing there, holding on to Kitty Kite and the next minute I’m flying through the air, holding on to Dean. Dean dressed as Superman. And so, Kitty Kite wasn’t the only thing that flew that day.
I never talked to him again about that day, but news of our trip spread like wildfire through the town. I knew that each of us wondered if it was the hurricane that made us fly, or if maybe Dean really had some powers of his own. Most people called him Hurricane Dean after that, but in my heart he was always Superman.
POST INSPIRED BY:
http://mondaymorningpower.blogspot.com/
Dean was always dressed up like Superman. When we were four, it was no big deal. When we were ten, it seemed a little strange. By the time we were sixteen, well, let’s just say his parents were taking tours of the local mental hospitals.
But Dean said he just felt a special connection to Superman.
Junior year I started spending more time with him because he had entered a Clark Kent phase and looked semi-normal most of the time. He only spoke of krypton every once in awhile. He seemed to be on a good track, and we did a lot together.
Then one day, the hurricane came. Oh, it was windy that day. Cows flying through the air like you wouldn’t believe. Corn literally husked in the air. Dean and I thought it would be fun to take our kite, Kitty Kite, out and watch it REALLY fly.
All I know is that one minute I’m standing there, holding on to Kitty Kite and the next minute I’m flying through the air, holding on to Dean. Dean dressed as Superman. And so, Kitty Kite wasn’t the only thing that flew that day.
I never talked to him again about that day, but news of our trip spread like wildfire through the town. I knew that each of us wondered if it was the hurricane that made us fly, or if maybe Dean really had some powers of his own. Most people called him Hurricane Dean after that, but in my heart he was always Superman.
POST INSPIRED BY:
http://mondaymorningpower.blogspot.com/
A turkey sandwich!
And now I shall recount the time a turkey sandwich saved my life.
It was a warm winters day and I was heading to work and decided to take a shortcut across a church parking lot. I was holding my lunch, a turkey sandwich.
All of a sudden, i hear foot steps behind me, coming closer... and closer... and closer. "Why turn around," I thought to myself. "This is a church parking lot, what the heck is going to happen in the church parking lot? I mean, it's a church! You know, jesus is involved and everything." A long thought process, I realize, but that is hardly the point.
Oh yeah, the steps, and me not not turning around. Well I wasn't going to turn around but then I did because a voice said, "turn around!" I thought maybe the priest from the church had a cookie for me or something. Oh but that wasn't the case at all. I turned.
To my surprise it was a pirate holding a gun. "Why are you holding a gun?" I said. "You are a pirate, shouldn't you have a sword or something?" "Shouldn't you be scared?" the pirate, who I had quickly nicknamed Capatain Yoyo in my head, said. "I suppose you have a point," I replied.
And then the rest is a bit of a blur, but the pirate shot, and I held up my turkey sandwich. And the turkey sandwich, being bulletproof of course, blocked the bullet from entering my cold black heart. And thus my life was saved.
Afterwards, Captain Yoyo and I had a good chuckle. What a day!
INSPIRATION FOR THIS BLOG: TA
It was a warm winters day and I was heading to work and decided to take a shortcut across a church parking lot. I was holding my lunch, a turkey sandwich.
All of a sudden, i hear foot steps behind me, coming closer... and closer... and closer. "Why turn around," I thought to myself. "This is a church parking lot, what the heck is going to happen in the church parking lot? I mean, it's a church! You know, jesus is involved and everything." A long thought process, I realize, but that is hardly the point.
Oh yeah, the steps, and me not not turning around. Well I wasn't going to turn around but then I did because a voice said, "turn around!" I thought maybe the priest from the church had a cookie for me or something. Oh but that wasn't the case at all. I turned.
To my surprise it was a pirate holding a gun. "Why are you holding a gun?" I said. "You are a pirate, shouldn't you have a sword or something?" "Shouldn't you be scared?" the pirate, who I had quickly nicknamed Capatain Yoyo in my head, said. "I suppose you have a point," I replied.
And then the rest is a bit of a blur, but the pirate shot, and I held up my turkey sandwich. And the turkey sandwich, being bulletproof of course, blocked the bullet from entering my cold black heart. And thus my life was saved.
Afterwards, Captain Yoyo and I had a good chuckle. What a day!
INSPIRATION FOR THIS BLOG: TA
oh no i bought a car too soon
i just bought a new car because i am a baller, shot caller, brawler. yeah. for a second and a half i was content that i am stuck making payments on it for the next 65 years of my life, and then this happened. question - when you think of me, what instantly comes to mind? yes, clock towers. and when you think of clock towers, what do you think of? the hill valley clock tower. and when you think of the hill valley clock tower, what do you think of? mayor goldie wilson, who wanted to save it. and when you think of mayor goldie wilson, what do you think of? marty mcfly, who gave goldie wilson the inspiration to become mayor. and when you think of marty mcfly, what do you think of? a flux capacitor, which makes time travel possible. and when you think of the flux capacitor, what do you think of? doctor emmitt l brown, who created the flux capacitor after falling off a toilet. and when you think of the doc brown, what do you think of? why, his car of the choice -- THE DELOREAN.
INSPIRATION FOR THIS POST: JILL
The Delorean is back.
INSPIRATION FOR THIS POST: JILL
Brits are funnier than you, me and Owen Wilson
Doesn't take more than five minutes to prove this case. I visited the United Kingdom, Canada and the United States and counted the number of times I laughed. I laughed 5 million 36 hundred times in the UK, 14 times in Canada, and 2 million times in the United States. If my numbers are correct, this means that Brits are funnier than everyone else. I didn't subtract out the number of times I cried, because then Canada would be at like negative 3 million so, out of respect for Ryan Gosling, I just let that part of the equation slide.
If my mathematical prowess doesn't convince you, then i present three examples of television comedy from the three parts of the world that i mentioned above. Just because I say so, each example is completely representative of the kind of comedy we find in said parts of world (they are all around a minute each you lazy piece of stapler).
The Kingdom
Wow, it's cold in this country!
The States
Aaaaand my time is up....
God I am such a smug bitch.
INSPIRATION FOR THIS POST: ART
If my mathematical prowess doesn't convince you, then i present three examples of television comedy from the three parts of the world that i mentioned above. Just because I say so, each example is completely representative of the kind of comedy we find in said parts of world (they are all around a minute each you lazy piece of stapler).
The Kingdom
Wow, it's cold in this country!
The States
Aaaaand my time is up....
God I am such a smug bitch.
INSPIRATION FOR THIS POST: ART
Monday, August 20, 2007
A poem I wrote in the last five minutes
I wonder sometimes about those mid 90’s bands
You know the ones that kinda sounded all the same?
I wonder no more since that one night
I walked into famous daves
Which is a barbeque joint I guess
At least the sign says so
But I didn’t see any people there
In fact the door was locked
So I started to walk way
But the manager came out and said
Actually we are open
So I asked why the heck is door locked
And he said because we are normally closed now
So I said but you just said you weren’t closed
And he said, we aren’t
And so I felt confused by this supposed to be closed but open barbeque joint
So I elbowed the manager who hadn’t said he was the manager
I just assumed he was the manager
He had on pleated pants which really bothered me
So yeah, the elbow to his face
But he was nice after that
Only the bar was open he said
So I walked into it and there you see
Was a band from the mid 90’s
Like the ones I wonder about
I mentioned that before, remember
A band called collective soul
Hanging out in the middle of nowhere
In an empty bar in a barbeque joint that was supposed to be closed
Next to a crappy hotel with an elevator that barely works
I wish I could say we became friends that night
But we became much, much more
We became collective soul-mates
That sounded so much funnier the first time I said it
Not so much now that it’s written down
But I had to ask, so what have you been up to
Since the mid 90’s when you had a few hits
And the one guy replied
We’ve been watching you grow up
To become this beautiful young woman
Which sounded sort of strange
So I said, so you’ve been stalking me since the mid 90’s
Yes came the answer
Now what I asked the guy whose name I know but it’s in the back of my mind somewhere
Well we would kill you but we recently learned that's frowned upon
So we'll just go back home
You know the ones that kinda sounded all the same?
I wonder no more since that one night
I walked into famous daves
Which is a barbeque joint I guess
At least the sign says so
But I didn’t see any people there
In fact the door was locked
So I started to walk way
But the manager came out and said
Actually we are open
So I asked why the heck is door locked
And he said because we are normally closed now
So I said but you just said you weren’t closed
And he said, we aren’t
And so I felt confused by this supposed to be closed but open barbeque joint
So I elbowed the manager who hadn’t said he was the manager
I just assumed he was the manager
He had on pleated pants which really bothered me
So yeah, the elbow to his face
But he was nice after that
Only the bar was open he said
So I walked into it and there you see
Was a band from the mid 90’s
Like the ones I wonder about
I mentioned that before, remember
A band called collective soul
Hanging out in the middle of nowhere
In an empty bar in a barbeque joint that was supposed to be closed
Next to a crappy hotel with an elevator that barely works
I wish I could say we became friends that night
But we became much, much more
We became collective soul-mates
That sounded so much funnier the first time I said it
Not so much now that it’s written down
But I had to ask, so what have you been up to
Since the mid 90’s when you had a few hits
And the one guy replied
We’ve been watching you grow up
To become this beautiful young woman
Which sounded sort of strange
So I said, so you’ve been stalking me since the mid 90’s
Yes came the answer
Now what I asked the guy whose name I know but it’s in the back of my mind somewhere
Well we would kill you but we recently learned that's frowned upon
So we'll just go back home
Let's just say...
you are a writer/director. And let's just say that you write a film with your friends and then direct the thing. A comedy. Now, let's just say that you release the film and now your tomatometer is at about 40%. That means that 60% of the people that reviewed your film didn't like it. Ok, now, for example, let's just say that some of the reviews say things like this:
"One problem: the movie's just not funny." - Ty Burr, Boston Globe
"... for special ed students. Bizarre and bewildering." - Jeanette Catsoulis, The New York Times
"Despite many giddy moments, the conceit becomes gradually more exhausting." - Carina Chocano, Los Angeles Times
"A lame and irritating comedy that is an endurance test to sit through." - Tom Keogh
Seattle Times
Obviously a review isn't everything, but if reviews like this from reputable critics stack up, at what point do you admit that the film you created might not be as funny as you thought?
Alright, clearly I am talking about The Ten, written by Ken Marino and David Wain and directed by David Wain. I should preface by saying that I am a big fan of these guys and The State and Stella and Wet Hot American Summer. I think their random and offbeat brand of comedy is great. I think that because I respect Wain's talent so much, I tended to be totally biased when I watch his work, because I wanted it so much to be funny that it just becomes funny. No longer the case, read on.
What caught my eye the most in sorting through the reviews of the film was the word "conceit" in Chocano's review. And then, David Wain posts a link to another review on his page, where his film gets SLAMMED by Ann Elder and Les Roberts. (Even I think it was a bit harsh.) And Wain just says, "what do you think of this review?" My first thought was, "Ok, so David Wain needs his fans to stroke his ego right now, is this really what's happening?"
And bam, like robots, here come the fans. Of course, the most common response is "oh, they just don't get it." Well, it's easy to dismiss a reviewer by saying they "don't get it" or they "aren't in the target demo."
But at what point is it time to get over yourself (this is where that word conceit comes in) long enough to admit that maybe your movie missed the mark a little bit? Maybe it was just a little too self-indulgent? And that's ok, if you can accept that the film isn't going to be wildly successful. But, please, don't act like everyone is crazy or doesn't understand comedy except for the makers of the film and the fans that worship the filmmakers so much that even they might not admit that some of it works and some of it just doesn't.
And yeah, that's what I thought of The Ten... some of it worked and some of it didn't. I think being a real fan is being able to be critical and not just vacantly accepting everything someone does as brilliant.
Maybe, Wain, if your friend didn't slam the door on me that one time...
"One problem: the movie's just not funny." - Ty Burr, Boston Globe
"... for special ed students. Bizarre and bewildering." - Jeanette Catsoulis, The New York Times
"Despite many giddy moments, the conceit becomes gradually more exhausting." - Carina Chocano, Los Angeles Times
"A lame and irritating comedy that is an endurance test to sit through." - Tom Keogh
Seattle Times
Obviously a review isn't everything, but if reviews like this from reputable critics stack up, at what point do you admit that the film you created might not be as funny as you thought?
Alright, clearly I am talking about The Ten, written by Ken Marino and David Wain and directed by David Wain. I should preface by saying that I am a big fan of these guys and The State and Stella and Wet Hot American Summer. I think their random and offbeat brand of comedy is great. I think that because I respect Wain's talent so much, I tended to be totally biased when I watch his work, because I wanted it so much to be funny that it just becomes funny. No longer the case, read on.
What caught my eye the most in sorting through the reviews of the film was the word "conceit" in Chocano's review. And then, David Wain posts a link to another review on his page, where his film gets SLAMMED by Ann Elder and Les Roberts. (Even I think it was a bit harsh.) And Wain just says, "what do you think of this review?" My first thought was, "Ok, so David Wain needs his fans to stroke his ego right now, is this really what's happening?"
And bam, like robots, here come the fans. Of course, the most common response is "oh, they just don't get it." Well, it's easy to dismiss a reviewer by saying they "don't get it" or they "aren't in the target demo."
But at what point is it time to get over yourself (this is where that word conceit comes in) long enough to admit that maybe your movie missed the mark a little bit? Maybe it was just a little too self-indulgent? And that's ok, if you can accept that the film isn't going to be wildly successful. But, please, don't act like everyone is crazy or doesn't understand comedy except for the makers of the film and the fans that worship the filmmakers so much that even they might not admit that some of it works and some of it just doesn't.
And yeah, that's what I thought of The Ten... some of it worked and some of it didn't. I think being a real fan is being able to be critical and not just vacantly accepting everything someone does as brilliant.
Maybe, Wain, if your friend didn't slam the door on me that one time...
Thursday, August 16, 2007
A rant, which only happens monthly or so
I am burnt the hell out on....
Judd Apatow.
Ugh, enough already with this guy!! I get it, he is funny! He makes films that couldn't get made 10 years ago! He features "regular-looking" people! They are improvise so they are funny in real life, too! Barf barf barf mcbarfy barf barf.
I am going to see and like Superbad, because it will be funny and I am in love with Michael Cera... even the name of my blog is a tribute to him. But the marketing around the movie is just overwhelming. I couldn't even watch Seinfeld the other night without Jonah Hill telling me I was watching Seinfeld, and oh yeah, he has a movie coming out called Superbad. Yeah, Jonah Hill? I didn't know that from your 20 million television appearances in the last month. And Judd Apatow, just the producer on the film, told me while he was haunting my dreams. In a speedo... why a speedo? Jesus christ. Apatow on Letterman now because he's the producer?? Really, we are living in a world where the power of Apatow sells a film? That's gross. Get him out of my face.
So here's the kicker, the thing that really threw me into QUITE the tizzy ... a "roundtable" interview in EW featuring Apatow, Seth Rogen, Cera and Hill. I think Cera and Hill said three things... why would they have to when Apatow is in the house?? The rest of it was, of course, Apatow and Rogen going on and on about how funny they are, how great they are, and how fucking ugly they are. What are you waiting for, guys, drill the point home! Do they ever get sick of just saying the same shit over and over again?
So, what's next? Apatow is going to be on Regis and Kelly promoting films that he spent the day on the set of? Up next on Conan, Judd Apatow talks about a movie written by, produced by and starring people other than him, but he sorta liked it!
My budding hatred of Apatow is a shame, because I like his films. 40 Year Old Virgin was funnier than Knocked Up, yes, but Knocked Up was good. Paul Rudd had a better haircut in it than Virgin, ding ding ding, bonus points. So, I just hope that after this Superbad extravaganza ends, Apatow will retreat into some kind of cave for a few years. I'm not saying I want a dragon to be in the cave, too, but I'm not not saying it....
Judd Apatow.
Ugh, enough already with this guy!! I get it, he is funny! He makes films that couldn't get made 10 years ago! He features "regular-looking" people! They are improvise so they are funny in real life, too! Barf barf barf mcbarfy barf barf.
I am going to see and like Superbad, because it will be funny and I am in love with Michael Cera... even the name of my blog is a tribute to him. But the marketing around the movie is just overwhelming. I couldn't even watch Seinfeld the other night without Jonah Hill telling me I was watching Seinfeld, and oh yeah, he has a movie coming out called Superbad. Yeah, Jonah Hill? I didn't know that from your 20 million television appearances in the last month. And Judd Apatow, just the producer on the film, told me while he was haunting my dreams. In a speedo... why a speedo? Jesus christ. Apatow on Letterman now because he's the producer?? Really, we are living in a world where the power of Apatow sells a film? That's gross. Get him out of my face.
So here's the kicker, the thing that really threw me into QUITE the tizzy ... a "roundtable" interview in EW featuring Apatow, Seth Rogen, Cera and Hill. I think Cera and Hill said three things... why would they have to when Apatow is in the house?? The rest of it was, of course, Apatow and Rogen going on and on about how funny they are, how great they are, and how fucking ugly they are. What are you waiting for, guys, drill the point home! Do they ever get sick of just saying the same shit over and over again?
So, what's next? Apatow is going to be on Regis and Kelly promoting films that he spent the day on the set of? Up next on Conan, Judd Apatow talks about a movie written by, produced by and starring people other than him, but he sorta liked it!
My budding hatred of Apatow is a shame, because I like his films. 40 Year Old Virgin was funnier than Knocked Up, yes, but Knocked Up was good. Paul Rudd had a better haircut in it than Virgin, ding ding ding, bonus points. So, I just hope that after this Superbad extravaganza ends, Apatow will retreat into some kind of cave for a few years. I'm not saying I want a dragon to be in the cave, too, but I'm not not saying it....
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
random search terms + YouTube
YouTube is a fun, sexy good time that I wish I invented. The last thing that I invented was for the invention convention back in 5th grade... when I didn't really invent anything, just came up with the concept for an invention. And it wasn't YouTube. It was this thing called the Internet. God, that was a hell of an idea... it was basically a giant laser. Anyway, today we will do something I like to call: random search terms on YouTube equal good times.
1. Search term: Dancing to the oldies
Ok, I think I meant to type in "sweating to the oldies," but there are no re-dos in this game, sorry Charlies. Ohhh but we found a gem. Random drunk white girl at some sort of late 90's dance party gets her groove on, and then some. Is that Biggie Smalls? We never see the chick's face, so I am going to go ahead and tell you that it's a young(er) Nicky - not Paris - Hilton.
2. Search term: Whores in stirrups... ok nothing came up, let's try again.
2a. Search term: ATM fees
Uh, some guy doing sign language holds up a snickers bar. There is a cardboard cutout of what I can only assume is a racecar driver. Since I am an expert at sign language, I can tell you this man feels that a snickers bar should take over Bank of America. He thinks snickers bars are good leaders and are opposed to ATM fees. This guy really has a problem with ATM fees. At the end the cardboard cutout comes to life. Is this Mannequin or a video about snickers taking over the world?? Keep it consistent, guy.
3. Search terms: chicken love
What a treat! I find a fine performance by a young man who has just discovered he is half chicken. A tour de force! I hear a sequel is in the works starring Jason Bateman... just saying, a rumor I heard. Will the chicken play basketball? Oh, it's likely. Unfortunately, I can only give this film three stars, because never once does the young man say, "Nobody... calls me chicken." If we've learned anything in this life, it is that we shall never miss an opportunity to reference Back to the Future.
4. Search terms: I know my first name is steven
Nothing from my favorite lifetime movie came up (at least, not on the first page), but this genius vid did. First impression: am I watching star wars? Second impressions: what the hell is going on here?? Have I been brainwashed by watching that? Will my phone ring in approximately seven minutes? Is Jesus on the other line?
5. Search terms: puppy blood
Now that I think about, I think that I have seen this energy drink at my local rite-aid. I was wondering what it was made of (names can be so misleading)... this spot explains a lot. Tanya Harding makes a pretty good spokesperson, I guess. She has energy. Jeff Gillooly, not so much.
Thanks for playing!!
1. Search term: Dancing to the oldies
Ok, I think I meant to type in "sweating to the oldies," but there are no re-dos in this game, sorry Charlies. Ohhh but we found a gem. Random drunk white girl at some sort of late 90's dance party gets her groove on, and then some. Is that Biggie Smalls? We never see the chick's face, so I am going to go ahead and tell you that it's a young(er) Nicky - not Paris - Hilton.
2. Search term: Whores in stirrups... ok nothing came up, let's try again.
2a. Search term: ATM fees
Uh, some guy doing sign language holds up a snickers bar. There is a cardboard cutout of what I can only assume is a racecar driver. Since I am an expert at sign language, I can tell you this man feels that a snickers bar should take over Bank of America. He thinks snickers bars are good leaders and are opposed to ATM fees. This guy really has a problem with ATM fees. At the end the cardboard cutout comes to life. Is this Mannequin or a video about snickers taking over the world?? Keep it consistent, guy.
3. Search terms: chicken love
What a treat! I find a fine performance by a young man who has just discovered he is half chicken. A tour de force! I hear a sequel is in the works starring Jason Bateman... just saying, a rumor I heard. Will the chicken play basketball? Oh, it's likely. Unfortunately, I can only give this film three stars, because never once does the young man say, "Nobody... calls me chicken." If we've learned anything in this life, it is that we shall never miss an opportunity to reference Back to the Future.
4. Search terms: I know my first name is steven
Nothing from my favorite lifetime movie came up (at least, not on the first page), but this genius vid did. First impression: am I watching star wars? Second impressions: what the hell is going on here?? Have I been brainwashed by watching that? Will my phone ring in approximately seven minutes? Is Jesus on the other line?
5. Search terms: puppy blood
Now that I think about, I think that I have seen this energy drink at my local rite-aid. I was wondering what it was made of (names can be so misleading)... this spot explains a lot. Tanya Harding makes a pretty good spokesperson, I guess. She has energy. Jeff Gillooly, not so much.
Thanks for playing!!
A Fairy Tale
There once was a town called Cheeseland. In Cheeseland, everything was made of – guess? No, not cheese. Kittens! Yes, everything, from the buildings to the trees to the fire hydrants was made of kittens. Dead ones. But Cheeseland was a magical place where dead kittens smell like cotton candy, so the whole town smelled gloriously of cotton candy.
In this town there was a little boy named Tommy, who said to his mom every day, "when I grow up, I am going to be the MAYOR of Cheeseland." And his mom would laugh and laugh and say, "Oh Tommy, don't be silly, you know the political figures in our town are all Robot Dogs!" But Tommy didn't laugh along, for his dream was to be the mayor of Cheeseland.
As Tommy grew up, he worked hard and got the best grades in school – better than any of the growing Robot Dogs, for sure, and after school, he worked at the mayor's office. The mayor, a Robot Dog by the name of Gordon McRobotDog, was quite fond of Tommy and told him when he graduated from Dead Kitten High, he would make him his personal assistant. Tommy was full of glee when he heard this offer, and continued to work hard, cook his dead kittens just right, and so on. But in the back of his mind, of course he knew that being the assistant to the mayor was not being THE mayor.
And so graduation day came, and it was a good day. It even rained special dead kittens that smelled of spiced gum drops. Tommy was happy. The mayor was even there! Then, in front of anyone, Tommy took out a gun. A gun sort of like those guns that shoot t-shirts. But this gun shot kittens. No, not dead ones. LIVING KITTENS. Through his hard work in school, Tommy learned that Robot Dogs can only be killed by one thing: yes, you guessed it, living kittens. Tommy killed all of the Robot Dogs that day. And then killed the kittens because he felt like it and was just used to having dead kittens all around him (wouldn't you be?). And because the rest of the town was scared of him, they made him mayor. And thus the story of how Tommy lived out his childhood dream of becoming mayor. The end.
In this town there was a little boy named Tommy, who said to his mom every day, "when I grow up, I am going to be the MAYOR of Cheeseland." And his mom would laugh and laugh and say, "Oh Tommy, don't be silly, you know the political figures in our town are all Robot Dogs!" But Tommy didn't laugh along, for his dream was to be the mayor of Cheeseland.
As Tommy grew up, he worked hard and got the best grades in school – better than any of the growing Robot Dogs, for sure, and after school, he worked at the mayor's office. The mayor, a Robot Dog by the name of Gordon McRobotDog, was quite fond of Tommy and told him when he graduated from Dead Kitten High, he would make him his personal assistant. Tommy was full of glee when he heard this offer, and continued to work hard, cook his dead kittens just right, and so on. But in the back of his mind, of course he knew that being the assistant to the mayor was not being THE mayor.
And so graduation day came, and it was a good day. It even rained special dead kittens that smelled of spiced gum drops. Tommy was happy. The mayor was even there! Then, in front of anyone, Tommy took out a gun. A gun sort of like those guns that shoot t-shirts. But this gun shot kittens. No, not dead ones. LIVING KITTENS. Through his hard work in school, Tommy learned that Robot Dogs can only be killed by one thing: yes, you guessed it, living kittens. Tommy killed all of the Robot Dogs that day. And then killed the kittens because he felt like it and was just used to having dead kittens all around him (wouldn't you be?). And because the rest of the town was scared of him, they made him mayor. And thus the story of how Tommy lived out his childhood dream of becoming mayor. The end.
Just moved over a bunch of stuff
today, from my old blog, in the wrong order, like a dumbass. Hi. Below you'll find a bunch of shit that I've already written. It's mostly bad, but its the best stuff I got. Go wild.
ran into Topher Grace today during lunch
I was like "Can I call you Chris?" And he was like "No."
-- Originally published Jan 5, 2006
-- Originally published Jan 5, 2006
my fatal flaw
Originally published July 5, 2006
I can be doing something simple, like writing or eating some lucky charms and of course someone will exclaim, "Oh my! You are left-handed! I didnt know that you are left- handed!" This is an important characteristic of a person? So, am I dead to you now because I happen to prefer my left hand to my right?
I have it rough. Left-handed people are discriminated against. I cant tell you how many jobs I have lost for this very reason. The boss may say I am fired because I "stole money", or "killed the postman for no reason," but I know, that it is really because of my non right-handedness.
Men, they tease me, "Where is your boyfriend?" Wordlessly, I put a pen in hand and begin to write. I see a look of recognition, and then horror, pass over their faces. And, because as a left-handed person I can also read minds, I know they are thinking, "Pity, no man would ever want her and the children that would come from those left-handed genes."
Personally, I dont remember much from childhood, probably because of my handicap. I do remember one thing, clearly: a young, beautiful Megan McGillicutty walks into the first grade. I suppose it is this grade when teachers decide it is time to teach right from left. Drawings of two hands in the front of the room. The right hand? Fluffy cotton balls, pasted right on there.
The left hand?
Sandpaper.
It was a shame when, many years later, that first grade teacher was found roaming the halls of that elementary school, confused. It seems her face had been scraped clean off. "It must have been some kind of wild animal," the police said. "Surely no one would have taken sandpaper to her face."
Surely no one indeed.
I can be doing something simple, like writing or eating some lucky charms and of course someone will exclaim, "Oh my! You are left-handed! I didnt know that you are left- handed!" This is an important characteristic of a person? So, am I dead to you now because I happen to prefer my left hand to my right?
I have it rough. Left-handed people are discriminated against. I cant tell you how many jobs I have lost for this very reason. The boss may say I am fired because I "stole money", or "killed the postman for no reason," but I know, that it is really because of my non right-handedness.
Men, they tease me, "Where is your boyfriend?" Wordlessly, I put a pen in hand and begin to write. I see a look of recognition, and then horror, pass over their faces. And, because as a left-handed person I can also read minds, I know they are thinking, "Pity, no man would ever want her and the children that would come from those left-handed genes."
Personally, I dont remember much from childhood, probably because of my handicap. I do remember one thing, clearly: a young, beautiful Megan McGillicutty walks into the first grade. I suppose it is this grade when teachers decide it is time to teach right from left. Drawings of two hands in the front of the room. The right hand? Fluffy cotton balls, pasted right on there.
The left hand?
Sandpaper.
It was a shame when, many years later, that first grade teacher was found roaming the halls of that elementary school, confused. It seems her face had been scraped clean off. "It must have been some kind of wild animal," the police said. "Surely no one would have taken sandpaper to her face."
Surely no one indeed.
if i were born before 1893
Originally published July 13, 2006
i would grow some wheat. yeah. i've been looking into it. i wouldn't have to deal with with famous people and crabby writers and reporters on a daily basis. Instead, i would be a wheat farmer. Winter wheat, to be specific (like there was ever any other choice). For those who are not aware, wheat grain is a staple food used to make flour, livestock feed and as an ingredient in the brewing of beer.
screw all of that. i have another plan for my wheat.
First, i will cook the wheat in water until its moisture content reaches about 50%. Then i will temper it, allowing moisture to diffuse evenly into the grain. Then, i will pass the grain through a set of rollers with grooves in one side, yielding a web of wheat strands. Yes, a web. It will get quite exciting at this point. i think i will stack many of these webs together. i will crimp this moist (mmm moist) stack of strands at regular intervals to produce individual pieces with the strands attached at each end. These then go into an oven, where i will bake them until their moisture content is reduced to 5%.
oh, little children. don't weep. i have just created the most disgusting food of all time. pour some milk on it, little one. it won't hurt you. yes, you are eating wheat. no, it's not gross. it is shredded wheat, and if you are a good little child, i might put some sugar on one side for you.
muuuhahahahahaha. muuuuhahahahaha.
i would grow some wheat. yeah. i've been looking into it. i wouldn't have to deal with with famous people and crabby writers and reporters on a daily basis. Instead, i would be a wheat farmer. Winter wheat, to be specific (like there was ever any other choice). For those who are not aware, wheat grain is a staple food used to make flour, livestock feed and as an ingredient in the brewing of beer.
screw all of that. i have another plan for my wheat.
First, i will cook the wheat in water until its moisture content reaches about 50%. Then i will temper it, allowing moisture to diffuse evenly into the grain. Then, i will pass the grain through a set of rollers with grooves in one side, yielding a web of wheat strands. Yes, a web. It will get quite exciting at this point. i think i will stack many of these webs together. i will crimp this moist (mmm moist) stack of strands at regular intervals to produce individual pieces with the strands attached at each end. These then go into an oven, where i will bake them until their moisture content is reduced to 5%.
oh, little children. don't weep. i have just created the most disgusting food of all time. pour some milk on it, little one. it won't hurt you. yes, you are eating wheat. no, it's not gross. it is shredded wheat, and if you are a good little child, i might put some sugar on one side for you.
muuuhahahahahaha. muuuuhahahahaha.
Deal breakers
Originally posted July 24, 2006
Writing has become a preferable form of communication among young whippersnappers. (http://www.google.com/; define: whippersnapper; "someone who is unimportant but cheeky and presumptuous.)
Motivational phrases. Words to live by. Things like this flow from the mouths/err pens of said whip-snaps. Uplifting, they are. Enough to get through hard times, they are. Except for two.
Two such phrases have become "deal breakers." By this, I mean I am forced to hate anyone that says and/or writes these phrases. I am sorry. Really I am. Hate is such a strong word. Not strong enough, though. Not strong enough.
The first phrase:
"What does not kill us makes us stronger." In this phrase, "you" can be substituted, or "me." A deal breaker no matter what. A DB, if you will. This one is huge, used round the world to mop up a young girl's tears after all of her friends gang up on her, beat her senseless and then throw her in a locker. Substitute "dumpster" for locker. The phrase should be,"What does not kill us makes us wish it had." Because, lets face it, almost dying must really suck.
The second is even more maddening, if possible. This one has been heard by any person who has attempted to lose weight at any given point in their life. And it is, as follows:
"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."
It's not the meaning behind the phrase. I don't care about that. It just sounds goddamn idiotic. Such as, if any friend of mine every said that to me, "Now Megan, REMEMBER before you eat that cupcake -- NOTHING tastes as good as thin feels!! teehee!!" ::skips away::, oh.. that's the ultimate DB. It makes me want to almost kill her just so I can utter my new phrase (see above).
Thanks for your time.
ps. Why do the commercial buyer people put commercials for Sonic on the telly when the
Writing has become a preferable form of communication among young whippersnappers. (http://www.google.com/; define: whippersnapper; "someone who is unimportant but cheeky and presumptuous.)
Motivational phrases. Words to live by. Things like this flow from the mouths/err pens of said whip-snaps. Uplifting, they are. Enough to get through hard times, they are. Except for two.
Two such phrases have become "deal breakers." By this, I mean I am forced to hate anyone that says and/or writes these phrases. I am sorry. Really I am. Hate is such a strong word. Not strong enough, though. Not strong enough.
The first phrase:
"What does not kill us makes us stronger." In this phrase, "you" can be substituted, or "me." A deal breaker no matter what. A DB, if you will. This one is huge, used round the world to mop up a young girl's tears after all of her friends gang up on her, beat her senseless and then throw her in a locker. Substitute "dumpster" for locker. The phrase should be,"What does not kill us makes us wish it had." Because, lets face it, almost dying must really suck.
The second is even more maddening, if possible. This one has been heard by any person who has attempted to lose weight at any given point in their life. And it is, as follows:
"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."
It's not the meaning behind the phrase. I don't care about that. It just sounds goddamn idiotic. Such as, if any friend of mine every said that to me, "Now Megan, REMEMBER before you eat that cupcake -- NOTHING tastes as good as thin feels!! teehee!!" ::skips away::, oh.. that's the ultimate DB. It makes me want to almost kill her just so I can utter my new phrase (see above).
Thanks for your time.
ps. Why do the commercial buyer people put commercials for Sonic on the telly when the
disease!!
So yes, while I was hanging out with Adam Duritz, photos of this guy, Ryan Reynolds, with some chick named Alanis (I personally have never heard of her) showed up on the Internet.
I jest, I kid. I am happy for Mr. Reynolds. My problem with these photos have nothing to do with Alanis or that they are supposed to be broken up or that his hat seems to match her shirt and that seems strange to me. It has to do with this illness that Reynolds has that is making me nervous for him and his future as a working actor in Hollywood.
It is called Fozziebearitis.
It is rare and I believe only 3,000 men in the WORLD suffer from it. So when you see it happen to a relatively talented individual such as Ryan Reynolds, it hits home. It really does.
Fozziebearitis is a disease that normally affects men in their mid to late 20's. Over time, the male begins to look more and more like bear, but not any old bear -- a muppet bear. Within ten years, the man is literally unrecognizable.
Beyond looking like a muppet bear, a man suffering from fozziebearitis will also begin to take on the personality of said muppet bear. The man will start to constantly tell semi-funny jokes (anyone who has seen the films "Blade:Trinity" or "Just Friends" knows that Ryan has already entered this phase of the disease).
When Ryan begins ending his jokes with "Wocka Wocka Wocka!" we will know, sadly, that the disease has fully taken over his body. The young, bucktoothed "Billy from Fifteen" will be gone forever.
Here's to you, Ryan Reynolds... I take comfort in the fact that you have a good woman in Alanis to help through the tough times that lie ahead.
Originally published August 1, 2006
I jest, I kid. I am happy for Mr. Reynolds. My problem with these photos have nothing to do with Alanis or that they are supposed to be broken up or that his hat seems to match her shirt and that seems strange to me. It has to do with this illness that Reynolds has that is making me nervous for him and his future as a working actor in Hollywood.
It is called Fozziebearitis.
It is rare and I believe only 3,000 men in the WORLD suffer from it. So when you see it happen to a relatively talented individual such as Ryan Reynolds, it hits home. It really does.
Fozziebearitis is a disease that normally affects men in their mid to late 20's. Over time, the male begins to look more and more like bear, but not any old bear -- a muppet bear. Within ten years, the man is literally unrecognizable.
Beyond looking like a muppet bear, a man suffering from fozziebearitis will also begin to take on the personality of said muppet bear. The man will start to constantly tell semi-funny jokes (anyone who has seen the films "Blade:Trinity" or "Just Friends" knows that Ryan has already entered this phase of the disease).
When Ryan begins ending his jokes with "Wocka Wocka Wocka!" we will know, sadly, that the disease has fully taken over his body. The young, bucktoothed "Billy from Fifteen" will be gone forever.
Here's to you, Ryan Reynolds... I take comfort in the fact that you have a good woman in Alanis to help through the tough times that lie ahead.
Originally published August 1, 2006
the book
Originally published September 6, 2006
as no one knows, i am an author. short stories. i write under a different name. i am acclaimed, i assure you. me and short stories, we are dunzo. it's ovah. see, i am writing a book.
as many of you don't know, it's not wise to actually write a book. the guy that you knew in college that was working on his novel? total dumbass. hey, guy, you think you are going to write some 500 page monstrosity, send it over to a publishing house and they are going to have an orgasm and pay you 500 million dollars right then and there on the spot?
not so much.
the deal is that you need an agent. like you are vince vaughn or janet jackson, you need an agent. the agent, hopefully wearing a bluetooth headset, will scream and yell and sell your idea to the publishing company. not the BOOK, my little towhead friend, the IDEA. that's all you need, babe.
i've got myself an idea. and an agent. no advance yet, peoples. well, it's only been a week. just for fun, i'll let you see the proposal that landed me my agent (and no advance yet, peoples). Alright, this isn't the actual proposal, just the query i sent to the bizzatch telling her that i might let her see my proposal if she acts nice and goes out with my brother a couple of times.
Names have been changed to protect the asshole in the bluetooth headset.
Dear Lizzie Grubman-no-relation-to-the-PR-flack,
Here's the deal. I want to get paid to write a book. I'm not going to sit here like some holier-than-thou literary type and tell you that I am the next Shakespeare or Jennifer Weiner because I'm not. I didn't go to an ivy league school, so I won't blatently steal ideas from other writers. I've also never interned for Anna Wintour, so no messy backlash ifyouknowwhatimean.
Here's what I will tell you. I can't write. And neither can the people that are going to read my book. But they can read. Kind of. That's the point. No one wants to read a book by someone who is clearly smarter than they are. They want to read a book by me, someone on the same, dumb as a rock but not as a dumb as a doorknob, level.
What is more, I will kick some ass on the publicity tour. Ellen Degeneres has not seen the likes of me before. Nor has that chick from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Uh, I do. That's the answer to that, chick. And also the answer to why I am going to write the best book of all time. Well, next to the Baby Sitters Club series. Who is going to top that? Oh, that Dawn was a character. She didn't eat meat. EVER.
Ah I digress a bit, Lizzie, but here's the book: it's called Not So Funny Girl. I'm thinking Nicole Richie for the film.
You ready for this jelly?
Sincerely,
Kelly "Jessi Spano" Kapowski
as no one knows, i am an author. short stories. i write under a different name. i am acclaimed, i assure you. me and short stories, we are dunzo. it's ovah. see, i am writing a book.
as many of you don't know, it's not wise to actually write a book. the guy that you knew in college that was working on his novel? total dumbass. hey, guy, you think you are going to write some 500 page monstrosity, send it over to a publishing house and they are going to have an orgasm and pay you 500 million dollars right then and there on the spot?
not so much.
the deal is that you need an agent. like you are vince vaughn or janet jackson, you need an agent. the agent, hopefully wearing a bluetooth headset, will scream and yell and sell your idea to the publishing company. not the BOOK, my little towhead friend, the IDEA. that's all you need, babe.
i've got myself an idea. and an agent. no advance yet, peoples. well, it's only been a week. just for fun, i'll let you see the proposal that landed me my agent (and no advance yet, peoples). Alright, this isn't the actual proposal, just the query i sent to the bizzatch telling her that i might let her see my proposal if she acts nice and goes out with my brother a couple of times.
Names have been changed to protect the asshole in the bluetooth headset.
Dear Lizzie Grubman-no-relation-to-the-PR-flack,
Here's the deal. I want to get paid to write a book. I'm not going to sit here like some holier-than-thou literary type and tell you that I am the next Shakespeare or Jennifer Weiner because I'm not. I didn't go to an ivy league school, so I won't blatently steal ideas from other writers. I've also never interned for Anna Wintour, so no messy backlash ifyouknowwhatimean.
Here's what I will tell you. I can't write. And neither can the people that are going to read my book. But they can read. Kind of. That's the point. No one wants to read a book by someone who is clearly smarter than they are. They want to read a book by me, someone on the same, dumb as a rock but not as a dumb as a doorknob, level.
What is more, I will kick some ass on the publicity tour. Ellen Degeneres has not seen the likes of me before. Nor has that chick from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Uh, I do. That's the answer to that, chick. And also the answer to why I am going to write the best book of all time. Well, next to the Baby Sitters Club series. Who is going to top that? Oh, that Dawn was a character. She didn't eat meat. EVER.
Ah I digress a bit, Lizzie, but here's the book: it's called Not So Funny Girl. I'm thinking Nicole Richie for the film.
You ready for this jelly?
Sincerely,
Kelly "Jessi Spano" Kapowski
The Ten Most Dangerous Mistakes YOU Probably Make With Men And What To Do About It
Originally published October 17, 2006
I got this in my e-mail today and thought I would share it with all of you. Because this important information. This might help us to have more successful relationships. It was written by a fellow named Christian Carter and while his real intent is to get silly women like me to sign up for his free newsletter, he is nice enough to share a few tips with me along the way. Thank you Christian!
This is how it works: Christian's comments in black, mine in blue. It's like Christian and I are having a conversation, except there are no knives involved. Here we go.
MISTAKE #1: Betting YourLove Life On His "Potential"
When a woman stays with a guy that is wrong, all wrong for them because she feels they have a "deeper connection," or that he "might change." This woman needs to break free of this behavior.
If you can't make a man change for you, then you aren't a real woman. You are a failure. Just end it now.
MISTAKE #2: Assuming You"Get" Men & Their Psychology
Men are different from women and women need to deal with it. Men don't work with non-verbal communication like women do. You need to learn how to use your body language in a way that will attract the men tha you want.
Whore it up. It works. Go with it.
MISTAKE #3: Pretending ToBe Something For A Man
Don't kiss up to a guy or do things you would not normally do just to get his attention. Being sexy is great, but it's important to be yourself.
Don't ever try to fit into an ideal of what you think a man will want. However, if you put on an apron and bake cookies while scrubbing the floor, I guarantee he will like you more. So, do that. Oh, and put out a lot.
MISTAKE #4: Sharing How You"Feel" Too Early With Him
Do not say "I really really like you" after one or two dates. That will scare him off.
Telling him that you "feel" that he is too precious for this earth and will need to send him to a "better place" that he "deserves" might scare him off. Improper "use" of "quotes" is scary, too.
MISTAKE #5: Misreading TheImportant "Signals" That Men Send
Men are always sending signals about how they feel about a woman. There are four levels of these signals... LEARN THEM:
1) Social: Where the man is at in his own life - stability, confidence, direction2) Emotional: Whether or not he's "emotionally available"3) Physical: If he's attracted to you... and for what reasons4) Love State: If he's open to building and growing a relationship in the future
When a guy calls you drunk at 2am and never, ever any other time, this is an important signal. there are four main levels of what signal he is sending:
1. social: he really likes you
2. emotional: he doesn't have a wife or another girlfriend
3. physical: he respects you and doesn't find you at all slutty
4. love state: he thinks you are "the one"
In other words, a keeper. You go girl!!
MISTAKE #6: Relying OnYour Natural Ability ToJudge A Man's Character
You need to learn how to identify a good man from a bad one. You can't do this intuitively. Men will rarely be able to communicate to you honestly that they are ready to have a long term relationship, it is more indirect. Learn to read the signs.
Learn to read his signs. In the meantime, make up some fun signals to send over to him. A surefire signal: stare at him. don't blink. narrow your eyes a bit (they think that is sexy). stay like this for approx two minutes. then laugh. then do it again.
MISTAKE #7: Expecting ARelationship To Make You Happy
Wanting to be with a man just so he will take care of you is a no no.
Being happy in a relationship is a silly requirement. Instead, spend your days figuring him out and reading his signals. If you don't have time to go to work, don't worry -- you'll have him figured him and really, that is life's greatest reward.
MISTAKE #8: Trying To "Convince"Him To Like You Or Love You
You can never change the way a man feels about you when it comes to attraction.
Trying to convince someone to love you isn't going to work. You can't argue your way into someone's heart. However, a good plastic surgeon is sometimes all you need. A nip, a tuck, a new nose and presto! A new you. He might not love the new you, but its definitely, definitely worth a shot.
MISTAKE #9: Not KnowingWhat To Do In Each Type Of Situation
Men know what they want from a woman, and you need to figure out what that is, or you could lose out on the guy.
Always know what to do or say in order to keep the guy. Number one priority. Try to have a phone conversation with the guy before the date. Not as yourself. Call as a market researcher, then proceed to spend a few hours with him on the telephone going over all of the details of his life, particularly what he likes in a woman. Take good notes. Then take a small branding iron and brand these details onto your palm. A good start to a successful relationship.
MISTAKE #10: Not Getting Help
Biggest mistake of all. It's ok to ask for help. And it just so happens that i have a FREE NEWSLETTER to give you that help!! Why don't you sign up for it????????????? I also have an EBOOK!!
Giving relationship advice is easy. Oh you silly women will do anything to get a man!! How cute!
I got this in my e-mail today and thought I would share it with all of you. Because this important information. This might help us to have more successful relationships. It was written by a fellow named Christian Carter and while his real intent is to get silly women like me to sign up for his free newsletter, he is nice enough to share a few tips with me along the way. Thank you Christian!
This is how it works: Christian's comments in black, mine in blue. It's like Christian and I are having a conversation, except there are no knives involved. Here we go.
MISTAKE #1: Betting YourLove Life On His "Potential"
When a woman stays with a guy that is wrong, all wrong for them because she feels they have a "deeper connection," or that he "might change." This woman needs to break free of this behavior.
If you can't make a man change for you, then you aren't a real woman. You are a failure. Just end it now.
MISTAKE #2: Assuming You"Get" Men & Their Psychology
Men are different from women and women need to deal with it. Men don't work with non-verbal communication like women do. You need to learn how to use your body language in a way that will attract the men tha you want.
Whore it up. It works. Go with it.
MISTAKE #3: Pretending ToBe Something For A Man
Don't kiss up to a guy or do things you would not normally do just to get his attention. Being sexy is great, but it's important to be yourself.
Don't ever try to fit into an ideal of what you think a man will want. However, if you put on an apron and bake cookies while scrubbing the floor, I guarantee he will like you more. So, do that. Oh, and put out a lot.
MISTAKE #4: Sharing How You"Feel" Too Early With Him
Do not say "I really really like you" after one or two dates. That will scare him off.
Telling him that you "feel" that he is too precious for this earth and will need to send him to a "better place" that he "deserves" might scare him off. Improper "use" of "quotes" is scary, too.
MISTAKE #5: Misreading TheImportant "Signals" That Men Send
Men are always sending signals about how they feel about a woman. There are four levels of these signals... LEARN THEM:
1) Social: Where the man is at in his own life - stability, confidence, direction2) Emotional: Whether or not he's "emotionally available"3) Physical: If he's attracted to you... and for what reasons4) Love State: If he's open to building and growing a relationship in the future
When a guy calls you drunk at 2am and never, ever any other time, this is an important signal. there are four main levels of what signal he is sending:
1. social: he really likes you
2. emotional: he doesn't have a wife or another girlfriend
3. physical: he respects you and doesn't find you at all slutty
4. love state: he thinks you are "the one"
In other words, a keeper. You go girl!!
MISTAKE #6: Relying OnYour Natural Ability ToJudge A Man's Character
You need to learn how to identify a good man from a bad one. You can't do this intuitively. Men will rarely be able to communicate to you honestly that they are ready to have a long term relationship, it is more indirect. Learn to read the signs.
Learn to read his signs. In the meantime, make up some fun signals to send over to him. A surefire signal: stare at him. don't blink. narrow your eyes a bit (they think that is sexy). stay like this for approx two minutes. then laugh. then do it again.
MISTAKE #7: Expecting ARelationship To Make You Happy
Wanting to be with a man just so he will take care of you is a no no.
Being happy in a relationship is a silly requirement. Instead, spend your days figuring him out and reading his signals. If you don't have time to go to work, don't worry -- you'll have him figured him and really, that is life's greatest reward.
MISTAKE #8: Trying To "Convince"Him To Like You Or Love You
You can never change the way a man feels about you when it comes to attraction.
Trying to convince someone to love you isn't going to work. You can't argue your way into someone's heart. However, a good plastic surgeon is sometimes all you need. A nip, a tuck, a new nose and presto! A new you. He might not love the new you, but its definitely, definitely worth a shot.
MISTAKE #9: Not KnowingWhat To Do In Each Type Of Situation
Men know what they want from a woman, and you need to figure out what that is, or you could lose out on the guy.
Always know what to do or say in order to keep the guy. Number one priority. Try to have a phone conversation with the guy before the date. Not as yourself. Call as a market researcher, then proceed to spend a few hours with him on the telephone going over all of the details of his life, particularly what he likes in a woman. Take good notes. Then take a small branding iron and brand these details onto your palm. A good start to a successful relationship.
MISTAKE #10: Not Getting Help
Biggest mistake of all. It's ok to ask for help. And it just so happens that i have a FREE NEWSLETTER to give you that help!! Why don't you sign up for it????????????? I also have an EBOOK!!
Giving relationship advice is easy. Oh you silly women will do anything to get a man!! How cute!
a random chapter from my book
Originally published November 14, 2007
She was careful not to make any noise as she entered the room. Sure enough, there he was, asleep. She slowly crept over to the bed and stared at him, part of her hoping that he would wake up right at that second and grab her arm, make her stay. But that wasn't to be, not with all of the sleeping pills she had put into his meatloaf earlier in the evening. Remembering that, she knew that it didn't matter how much noise she made. So, with a sigh, she walked over the dresser and flipped on the stereo. "One more time, for old time's sake," she said to her dying husband on the bed. And for one last time she danced the dance they danced on their wedding day, wondering a little how many times one could use the word dance in a sentence, but strugging it off. For she was dancing, for her freedom, for their memories and most of all, for all the lives she was saving. When she was finished, she walked over to his dresser and slid open the third drawer. There it was, her prize for a job well done.
Four minutes and 37 seconds later, she left the house, locked the door and slid into her car. "Hey... it's done," she said, gently shaking the man sleeping in the passenger sleep. He opened his eyes and smiled and she knew it was worth it, for this man truely was the love of her life. "I'm so proud of you," he said, looking down. "But, after all of this... after all of the lies, deaths, everything, there is something that just doesn't make any sense."
He turned and looked her right in the eyes and said, "Why in the world were you just doing 'The Bartman' in your bedroom?"
She was careful not to make any noise as she entered the room. Sure enough, there he was, asleep. She slowly crept over to the bed and stared at him, part of her hoping that he would wake up right at that second and grab her arm, make her stay. But that wasn't to be, not with all of the sleeping pills she had put into his meatloaf earlier in the evening. Remembering that, she knew that it didn't matter how much noise she made. So, with a sigh, she walked over the dresser and flipped on the stereo. "One more time, for old time's sake," she said to her dying husband on the bed. And for one last time she danced the dance they danced on their wedding day, wondering a little how many times one could use the word dance in a sentence, but strugging it off. For she was dancing, for her freedom, for their memories and most of all, for all the lives she was saving. When she was finished, she walked over to his dresser and slid open the third drawer. There it was, her prize for a job well done.
Four minutes and 37 seconds later, she left the house, locked the door and slid into her car. "Hey... it's done," she said, gently shaking the man sleeping in the passenger sleep. He opened his eyes and smiled and she knew it was worth it, for this man truely was the love of her life. "I'm so proud of you," he said, looking down. "But, after all of this... after all of the lies, deaths, everything, there is something that just doesn't make any sense."
He turned and looked her right in the eyes and said, "Why in the world were you just doing 'The Bartman' in your bedroom?"
An open letter to someone named bojangles
Originally published February 15, 2007
dear t bojangles -
this open letter is in response to your open letter, which i have not read. well i do and have admitted my faults, i believe that you have painted me into a proverbial corner, my friend. i believe that justice will not be served until i paint myself out of this proverbial corner with some sort of device that gets people out of proverbial corners. FURTHERMORE, i think that classic tv got it right in saying :
"you take the good
you take the bad
you take them both
and there you have
the facts of life
the facts of life"
i think we can learn a lot from these words and i think you should heed them, my friend, HEED THESE WORDS. they will get you out of tough spots in life, like, oh, being painted into a proverbial corner. and you are very very welcome for that, bojangles. you are welcome indeed. i think that if we learned anything today, we learned that building a fort in a tree is not as easy as it looks, and if we didn't learn anything today, it's that chocolate flavored lip balm will not please everyone.
goodnight and goodluck,
mvg
dear t bojangles -
this open letter is in response to your open letter, which i have not read. well i do and have admitted my faults, i believe that you have painted me into a proverbial corner, my friend. i believe that justice will not be served until i paint myself out of this proverbial corner with some sort of device that gets people out of proverbial corners. FURTHERMORE, i think that classic tv got it right in saying :
"you take the good
you take the bad
you take them both
and there you have
the facts of life
the facts of life"
i think we can learn a lot from these words and i think you should heed them, my friend, HEED THESE WORDS. they will get you out of tough spots in life, like, oh, being painted into a proverbial corner. and you are very very welcome for that, bojangles. you are welcome indeed. i think that if we learned anything today, we learned that building a fort in a tree is not as easy as it looks, and if we didn't learn anything today, it's that chocolate flavored lip balm will not please everyone.
goodnight and goodluck,
mvg
alec baldwin - second coming of christ?
Originally published April 2, 2007
remember when to calling someone a baldwin meant they were cute? me either, but the girls in clueless used that term. Now, the baldwin brothers aren't even that cute. I mean, I don't know which one is which (except for Alec, which we wll get to later) and I don't know their names (ditto other parenthesis), so I did some research. There are two others -- Stephen and Daniel? Oh wait, three others. Yes, though some people will argue that he does not exist, there is in fact a William. I will give you a quick key to remembering which one is which.
Alec - "hilarious one" or "one who was married to kim basinger, didnt end too well" or "best baldwin"
Daniel - "fat one" or "arrested often one"
William - "one known as billy" or "one married to the chick from wilson phillips (not the gastric bypass one)"
Stephen - "one with the squintiest eyes" or "one who kicked ass in usual suspects but then went downhill with biodome" or "crazy christian one"
I am ok if you want to print this out to carry around with you for reference.
It is no secret that I harbor some affection for Alec. Oh, the marital woes, the child custody battles - we all know Kim Basinger is responsible for all of this, probably because no one knows how to pronounce her name correctly and this infuriates her (base-inger, bass-inger, baseinJer, bass-inJer - who knows? but more importantly, who cares... we all know how to say Baldwin). Alec Baldwin is the funniest funnyman on the planet (see: Will & Grace, 30 Rock, him in everyday life) there should be 12 rap songs devoted to him and even more religions. Don't get me started on his humanitarianism. Don't EVEN....
remember when to calling someone a baldwin meant they were cute? me either, but the girls in clueless used that term. Now, the baldwin brothers aren't even that cute. I mean, I don't know which one is which (except for Alec, which we wll get to later) and I don't know their names (ditto other parenthesis), so I did some research. There are two others -- Stephen and Daniel? Oh wait, three others. Yes, though some people will argue that he does not exist, there is in fact a William. I will give you a quick key to remembering which one is which.
Alec - "hilarious one" or "one who was married to kim basinger, didnt end too well" or "best baldwin"
Daniel - "fat one" or "arrested often one"
William - "one known as billy" or "one married to the chick from wilson phillips (not the gastric bypass one)"
Stephen - "one with the squintiest eyes" or "one who kicked ass in usual suspects but then went downhill with biodome" or "crazy christian one"
I am ok if you want to print this out to carry around with you for reference.
It is no secret that I harbor some affection for Alec. Oh, the marital woes, the child custody battles - we all know Kim Basinger is responsible for all of this, probably because no one knows how to pronounce her name correctly and this infuriates her (base-inger, bass-inger, baseinJer, bass-inJer - who knows? but more importantly, who cares... we all know how to say Baldwin). Alec Baldwin is the funniest funnyman on the planet (see: Will & Grace, 30 Rock, him in everyday life) there should be 12 rap songs devoted to him and even more religions. Don't get me started on his humanitarianism. Don't EVEN....
when showalter, black and wain were my age...
Originally published June 19, 2007
they had already done the state. they could have looked at each other, shrugged, and said, "hey, we are in our 20's and we just made a show that will go down in history as 'if you don't know this show, you ain't hip.' so, let's hang it up, call it day, move to Redding, Connecticut and hang at grocery stores... maybe one day promise to do glamour shots with some random girl and then not follow through." but they didn't. they didn't do any of that. Well maybe a little bit of it but last time I checked, there is no Daily Gawker Stalker in Connecticut, so who the hell knows. Despite the fact that they were hundredaires from making the state, they continued to work. Oh! and work they did. Everything from Law&Order to Ed to "Viva Variety" to little tiny projects that in no way revolutionized comedy as we know it such as Wet Hot American Summer and Stella. Did it hurt that they somehow became pals with Paul Rudd along the way? No. You are up against a tiger or a bear or an elephant and your life hangs in the balance, and all you have to do is have Paul Rudd step in front of you. Wild animals freakin LOVE Paul Rudd. And life, my friends, is a lot like a wild animal. And now look. Mikey Sho's The Baxter. Wain's The Ten. Black's... slamming a door in my face after his stand up routine. You see, it's been a long journey, but they accomplished the state before they were even the age i am now. Now, I'm no comedy writer, but that's pretty sad. and this is actually a suicide note.
they had already done the state. they could have looked at each other, shrugged, and said, "hey, we are in our 20's and we just made a show that will go down in history as 'if you don't know this show, you ain't hip.' so, let's hang it up, call it day, move to Redding, Connecticut and hang at grocery stores... maybe one day promise to do glamour shots with some random girl and then not follow through." but they didn't. they didn't do any of that. Well maybe a little bit of it but last time I checked, there is no Daily Gawker Stalker in Connecticut, so who the hell knows. Despite the fact that they were hundredaires from making the state, they continued to work. Oh! and work they did. Everything from Law&Order to Ed to "Viva Variety" to little tiny projects that in no way revolutionized comedy as we know it such as Wet Hot American Summer and Stella. Did it hurt that they somehow became pals with Paul Rudd along the way? No. You are up against a tiger or a bear or an elephant and your life hangs in the balance, and all you have to do is have Paul Rudd step in front of you. Wild animals freakin LOVE Paul Rudd. And life, my friends, is a lot like a wild animal. And now look. Mikey Sho's The Baxter. Wain's The Ten. Black's... slamming a door in my face after his stand up routine. You see, it's been a long journey, but they accomplished the state before they were even the age i am now. Now, I'm no comedy writer, but that's pretty sad. and this is actually a suicide note.
i've had enough of
Originally published June 27, 2007
1. Zach Braff. Haven't we all, though? Remember that 30 seconds that I thought Garden State was a good movie? Me either. Oh Zach Braff, you are sooo deep. Only you can bring down the God that is Jason Bateman with that crap movie you put out this summer for 5 minutes. Scrubs is good because of everyone BUT Braff and even that show's time has past, way. Now that he's crying like a little bitch because the New York media is calling him out for introducing himself to women by grabbing their asses aka being the king of all douches, what happens? I have to hear his ugly annoying little voice on the Wendy's commercials. Disgusting. Fuck you, Zach Braff, and your strange looking face.
2. Hells Kitchen. Still, with the wellington and the rissoto and the goddamn lobster spaghetti? Still?? Granted the show is lucky that there is nothing even close to the hotness that is Sam on Top Chef this year. Ramsey is hot, yet, I'm over it.
3. Actors playing themselves in movies and getting hailed as genius. Hey, what's up Seth Rogen? You know, if we met, I'm pretty sure we would get along fine, I dig your sense of humor because, I don't know, you play YOURSELF in every movie you are in - that would a very quick, funny, pothead. Some crack addicts over IMDB are saying "wow, this is the same guy from 40 year old virgin? He seems totally different!" Uh, are these your PR people? Cuz it's the same guy... ditto with You, Me, Dupree and Your Mom. I love Seth Rogen by the way, I think it's more that I really want to get paid to play myself in a movie. It's all jealousy, people.
4. Not being married to a funny jewish man. I'm looking at Jon Stewart, Ben Stiller, Paul Rudd -- yeah, I'm looking at all of you. Why am I not married to any of you? You know what I haven't had enough of? Funny jewish men, like Jon Stewart, Ben Stiller and Paul Rudd. Why call them jewish instead of just men? Funny you should ask. I'm racist/prejudiced. And really, it's because they do it. All of the time - like, for example, that time that I ran into Rudd in the West Village, and I said, "Excuse me," (he had stepped on my toe). He replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I was just standing here being funny and jewish, and not to mention, very hipster-like -- did I mention that I live right here in the Village? -- and happened to slam my little midget foot on your toe." This just adds to their charm and is also why I totally have not had enough of them. Obviously anyone who creates the masterpiece known as Zoolander deserves my continuing love and support. Hears to you, Stiller. Hears to you indeed. (Get it - hears? Me either, I just mispelled here's)
5. Gossip blogs except for the following: Dlisted, JustJared, Perez, Gawker, and TMZ. Oh, you think that is a lot? Check the motherf-ing blog roll on TMZ, bitches. There are more gossip blogs than boys named "Mitchem" at a Star Trek convention. Here is the rule and if you don't like it, don't have a gossip blog -- if you do not update your blog every 5-6 minutes, you lose me. I'm lost like freakin Matthew Fox on Party of Five (HA! You thought I was going to say Lost but I didn't, oh man, did I get you). I am definitely a gossip blog reader that you want to "have." No one can say "ohmigod Jesse Metcalf is sooooo not gay, people! Hiz like soo hot as John Tucker" in the comments section like me.
And just so you know that I am not just negatory... stuff I am loving right now:
1. High technology, never low. Love the gadgets. Go go gadget krzr phone, go go gadget bluetooth headset, go go gadget lamp.
2. The movie "The Baxter," and Michael Showalter in general. The Baxter is just so fucking ridiculous and features Justin Theroux breakdancing (FOR REALZ, no stunt doubles for that badass), and Michael Ian Black dressed in next to nothing (big surprise - his wife is named - GET THIS - STELLA) Rudd and Wain cameo.
3. Lean Cuisine "Spa something or other" meals. Fucking delish. The stuff is made with whole grains or some nonsense. I say to the box "YOU'RE whole grains." You know?
byeeeeeeeeee
1. Zach Braff. Haven't we all, though? Remember that 30 seconds that I thought Garden State was a good movie? Me either. Oh Zach Braff, you are sooo deep. Only you can bring down the God that is Jason Bateman with that crap movie you put out this summer for 5 minutes. Scrubs is good because of everyone BUT Braff and even that show's time has past, way. Now that he's crying like a little bitch because the New York media is calling him out for introducing himself to women by grabbing their asses aka being the king of all douches, what happens? I have to hear his ugly annoying little voice on the Wendy's commercials. Disgusting. Fuck you, Zach Braff, and your strange looking face.
2. Hells Kitchen. Still, with the wellington and the rissoto and the goddamn lobster spaghetti? Still?? Granted the show is lucky that there is nothing even close to the hotness that is Sam on Top Chef this year. Ramsey is hot, yet, I'm over it.
3. Actors playing themselves in movies and getting hailed as genius. Hey, what's up Seth Rogen? You know, if we met, I'm pretty sure we would get along fine, I dig your sense of humor because, I don't know, you play YOURSELF in every movie you are in - that would a very quick, funny, pothead. Some crack addicts over IMDB are saying "wow, this is the same guy from 40 year old virgin? He seems totally different!" Uh, are these your PR people? Cuz it's the same guy... ditto with You, Me, Dupree and Your Mom. I love Seth Rogen by the way, I think it's more that I really want to get paid to play myself in a movie. It's all jealousy, people.
4. Not being married to a funny jewish man. I'm looking at Jon Stewart, Ben Stiller, Paul Rudd -- yeah, I'm looking at all of you. Why am I not married to any of you? You know what I haven't had enough of? Funny jewish men, like Jon Stewart, Ben Stiller and Paul Rudd. Why call them jewish instead of just men? Funny you should ask. I'm racist/prejudiced. And really, it's because they do it. All of the time - like, for example, that time that I ran into Rudd in the West Village, and I said, "Excuse me," (he had stepped on my toe). He replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I was just standing here being funny and jewish, and not to mention, very hipster-like -- did I mention that I live right here in the Village? -- and happened to slam my little midget foot on your toe." This just adds to their charm and is also why I totally have not had enough of them. Obviously anyone who creates the masterpiece known as Zoolander deserves my continuing love and support. Hears to you, Stiller. Hears to you indeed. (Get it - hears? Me either, I just mispelled here's)
5. Gossip blogs except for the following: Dlisted, JustJared, Perez, Gawker, and TMZ. Oh, you think that is a lot? Check the motherf-ing blog roll on TMZ, bitches. There are more gossip blogs than boys named "Mitchem" at a Star Trek convention. Here is the rule and if you don't like it, don't have a gossip blog -- if you do not update your blog every 5-6 minutes, you lose me. I'm lost like freakin Matthew Fox on Party of Five (HA! You thought I was going to say Lost but I didn't, oh man, did I get you). I am definitely a gossip blog reader that you want to "have." No one can say "ohmigod Jesse Metcalf is sooooo not gay, people! Hiz like soo hot as John Tucker" in the comments section like me.
And just so you know that I am not just negatory... stuff I am loving right now:
1. High technology, never low. Love the gadgets. Go go gadget krzr phone, go go gadget bluetooth headset, go go gadget lamp.
2. The movie "The Baxter," and Michael Showalter in general. The Baxter is just so fucking ridiculous and features Justin Theroux breakdancing (FOR REALZ, no stunt doubles for that badass), and Michael Ian Black dressed in next to nothing (big surprise - his wife is named - GET THIS - STELLA) Rudd and Wain cameo.
3. Lean Cuisine "Spa something or other" meals. Fucking delish. The stuff is made with whole grains or some nonsense. I say to the box "YOU'RE whole grains." You know?
byeeeeeeeeee
Very upset
Originally published July 26, 2007
I didn't tell a lot of people about this, but I was recently interviewing for a new job. It was a job that I had been interested in for awhile, so I spent a lot of time preparing myself for the interview process and figuring out how to leave my current job and relocate (the job is based in another state). That is saying a lot, because I am really fucking lazy. But I really wanted to this job, guys. It was pretty much the job I have dreamed about since I was a little girl. This kind of opportunity only comes up once in a lifetime.
I am kind of a funk right now, because I didn't get it. I found out a few days ago. It's sad because the company didn't even call me to tell me that I didn't get it - I had to find out "through the grapevine" as the kids say. Unprofessional on their part? Yeah.
Let me ask you this -- what could be worse that not getting the job of your dreams? I'll tell you.
Losing that job to Drew Carey.
DREW CAREY!
What does Drew Carey have that I don't have? Comedic skill, television experience, a recognizable name? Hm, you may have something there, but he doesn't have my heart or my passion for very skinny microphones. And I told the folks at CBS that, but they were busy saying stuff like, "Why are you carrying around that huge plinko board?" and "Why is that girl from Small Wonder in our office right now?"
I camped there for three weeks, you know. Finally, Roger Dobkowitz and I sat down and had a little chat. He apologized for the Small Wonder comment (seriously, that totally came out of left field) and pulled out a "One Bid" prize from the previous day's show -- a record player from 1975. He told me that if I could guess the price of it within $100, he would consider me – along with peeps like Rosie O, Steve Sanders and, yes, Carey – for the job. So, yes, someday I can tell my grandkids that a bid of 75 cents nearly landed me the Price is Right hosting gig, to which they can reply, "what is cents?".
After this little meeting, I really thought I had a chance… I spent weeks spaying and neutering animals, sexually harassing women and punching Adam Sandler in the face. But, all of that was for naught, and you know the outcome.
Cleveland sucks, by the way.
I didn't tell a lot of people about this, but I was recently interviewing for a new job. It was a job that I had been interested in for awhile, so I spent a lot of time preparing myself for the interview process and figuring out how to leave my current job and relocate (the job is based in another state). That is saying a lot, because I am really fucking lazy. But I really wanted to this job, guys. It was pretty much the job I have dreamed about since I was a little girl. This kind of opportunity only comes up once in a lifetime.
I am kind of a funk right now, because I didn't get it. I found out a few days ago. It's sad because the company didn't even call me to tell me that I didn't get it - I had to find out "through the grapevine" as the kids say. Unprofessional on their part? Yeah.
Let me ask you this -- what could be worse that not getting the job of your dreams? I'll tell you.
Losing that job to Drew Carey.
DREW CAREY!
What does Drew Carey have that I don't have? Comedic skill, television experience, a recognizable name? Hm, you may have something there, but he doesn't have my heart or my passion for very skinny microphones. And I told the folks at CBS that, but they were busy saying stuff like, "Why are you carrying around that huge plinko board?" and "Why is that girl from Small Wonder in our office right now?"
I camped there for three weeks, you know. Finally, Roger Dobkowitz and I sat down and had a little chat. He apologized for the Small Wonder comment (seriously, that totally came out of left field) and pulled out a "One Bid" prize from the previous day's show -- a record player from 1975. He told me that if I could guess the price of it within $100, he would consider me – along with peeps like Rosie O, Steve Sanders and, yes, Carey – for the job. So, yes, someday I can tell my grandkids that a bid of 75 cents nearly landed me the Price is Right hosting gig, to which they can reply, "what is cents?".
After this little meeting, I really thought I had a chance… I spent weeks spaying and neutering animals, sexually harassing women and punching Adam Sandler in the face. But, all of that was for naught, and you know the outcome.
Cleveland sucks, by the way.
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