Really Eggscellent Relationship Advice

As a person who has been involved in roughtly six hundred and fifty three failed relationships, I like to think I am an expert on relationships and of course, giving relationship advice. People come to me from like, six different cities on fourteen different continents to get my advice. Sometimes there is a language barrier. More than often, there is a language barrier. But since I do speak the language of love, things are cool. For my relationship-advice-giving business, I've built an office in my house, similar to the office that Dr. Seaver built when he re-did his office on Growing Pains. From what I remember, Dr. Seaver spent time in a real office, doing real doctor work for a little while, and when he got back to his house office with its stupid wood furniture, he felt pretty stupid for letting Maggie go back to work when we all know she should have been home with little Benjamin. So, he redid his office to look all swanky and Asian-y. My office looks like this -- swanky and Asian-y. Because that is what people want and need when they are seeking relationship advice. I know this because I did three surveys. But besides having folks come to my office for "therapie," (there is pie involved), sometimes people write me letters, and I write back (it costs a lot of money to travel to me from fourteen different continents). So, in the spirit of proving that I am skilled at what I do, here is a letter from a relationship-advice-seeker, and my very appropriate and helpful response:

Dear Lady Who Solves Life's Problems With Her Beautiful Wisdom and Equally Beautiful Face,

How can I get my husband to be more sexually attracted to me? He never wants to have sex with me. When we do, it lasts for two minutes maximum. The other aspects of our relationship are ok, except he is very stressed at work. What should I do? Thank you in advance for your wisdom and also, maybe you should post more photos of yourself on the Internet because you are very beautiful, Cindy May

Dear Cindy May,

Thank you very much for your kind words, however, I often blind people with my beauty so I will spare of that. Now, concerning your problem. Some men deal with stress by being overly sexual (sex helps them release the stress), or by not wanting sex at all. These are the kinds of things I would suggest learning about BEFORE marrying the man. If stress makes him want more sex, then bring on the stress, you know? It may be that your husband is so stressed that he just doesn't want a lot of sex. My gut feeling is that this isn't really the issue. The issue is that he is gay or has someone on the side. Since you say he rarely wants sex and it lasts only a short time, I'm going with gay. I will explain. Men who having an affair will often want more sex, and they will often want to try new positions. Men who are gay don't like women, so they aren't that interested in having sex. You see the difference here? I hate to be this way, but you are partially if not entirely to blame for this, as you probably "turned him gay." This is a phenomenon where you have become so repulsive that you alter the chemicals in your husband's brain. It's called Mygrosswifeturnedmegayitis and it's really rare, so you must be REALLY rare, if you catch my meaning.

There is not much you can do about your husband's condition. Since you caused it, I would advise just accepting it. I doubt there are any other men that would want to be with you.

All the best, though! That will be six thousand dollars.



And this, my friends, is what we call "making magic happen," and "saving lives." I live a rewarding life.

Unrequited

I'm not feeling well, so we're going to do a little rapid fire YouTube searching. Rapid fire works like this... I type in rando mcgee search terms and we check out the first thing that comes up. Yes? Yes!

1. Fried Oreos

My boys Seth and Austin teach us, not how to make fried oreos, but how to make a fried hostess cupcake AND a fried ice cream sandwich with the wrapper still on it. I like the cut of their jib. Come for the cooking lesson, stay for the weird and ridiculous voice effects. SethandAustinForever!




2. Burnables

We search in tribute to one my faves, the man, the myth, the Burnahblays. We get Pyro Chronicles 1, this weird guy (NOT Burnables) lighting things on fire and laughing like a maniac. We never get to see the guy's face, but it's fair to assume that he looks like (ie: IS) the kid who played Andrew on Family Ties, Brian Bonsall





3. polka dot boxers

Wow, a bunch of dumbass kids throw shredded paper at each other while other dumbass kids look on and cheer. Some fat teacher type walks through with a bullhorn at some point. Is this a sport I am unaware of? Shredded paper fighting? This doesn't appear to be similar to breakdance fighting. It doesn't appear to have any rules, or any point at all. Calvinball makes more sense than this nonsense. Dunderball would be more fun. And polka dot boxers has nothing to do with this crapola.




4. gigawatt

Using rapid fire youtube search as an excuse to imbed some Back to the Future (aka THE best movie of all time), I never expected to find this. This is the best YouTube discovery I have ever made... it actually edges out the Puppy Blood discovery. Giga Giga Watt Watt = song I will dance to on my wedding day. Thanks, DominicFear. Check it out.





5. sorry sack
I like saying, "stuff your sorries in a sack," a term coined by susan and later picked up by george constanza. Thus the search. I never expected to find such musical enjoyment from this simple search. You never know when you're going to discover your next great artist kids! I think I might sign him to my label. What do you guys think? Is he a good candidate for Totes Records? Yeah I know, we usually only sign sousaphone players, but this guy has potential! Real, hardcore, non-sousaphone-but-thats-ok potential? I'm going to plead his case to the board. I bid you adieu.

Reprieve

It wouldn't be a stretch to say that I'm the worst blogger of all time, and if I had any readers, I would feel bad, but I don't, so I don't.

Oprah Winfrey is going to Iowa, South Carolina and New Hampshire to give Obama a hand. Um... gross. If I ran into Rosie O'Donnell and Oprah Winfrey on the street at the same time, I would have a tough time figuring out which one to light on fire first (I mean, assuming I can only light one person on fire at a time, of course). I think I'd have to go Oprah, mostly because I think her arrogance alone is highly flammable, so the fire she would create would probably spread to O'Donnell anyway. Two birds, one stone? Check. So, people will really listen to Oprah Winfrey regarding voting for our next president? Really? The same chick that advises me to buy a refridgerator with an LCD monitor in it, and cupcakes that cost fifteen dollars each? The woman who is on the cover of her own magazine each and every month and doesn't seem realize she is the definition of conceit and bitchy nonsense? Yeah? This is my political advisor? AWESOME! I've never agreed that she should be allowed to recommend books to people, let alone presidents. It's further awesome that people might actually care what she has to say. What's next, Phil Donahue for Huckabee? Maury Povich for Kucinich? Maybe Tyra Banks should get her ass on the road for Rudy Giuliani. "I'm here to talk to you about a man. His boobs are real, girl, I've felt them. Ask no more questions about it. Do you see how I can express emotion with my eyes? See, this is happy. This is sad. Notice the difference there? In conclusion, Giuliani is one step closer to becoming America's Next Top President. ps my forehead is ridic."

I think it would be a good idea to move past talk show hosts and just have cartoon characters stump for presidential candidates. Specifically, the muppet babies.

it's just a life story, so there's no climax.

So, I don't really think of myself as appropriate. I don't really shy away from saying what I want to say, though I do refrain from the F word at work and at church. But these days there are some things I just won't say, and it's occured to me that I may be becoming appropriate in my old age. I'm getting to the point, the place where I explain what I'm talking about and why I think I may be becoming appropriate. I'm getting there, I'm getting there.

Last weekend I had lunch with my grandparents. We were talking about my grandfather's brother and blahblahblah, it occurs to me that my grandfather's niece - my mom's cousin and my godmother - never got married. And she's like, a cat chick. Stereotypical cat lady, loves her cats more than she could love any man. I don't see her a lot at all, this is why this fact suddenly occurs to me. But what I really want to know is -- DO YOU THINK SHE IS A LESBIAN??? She probably is, right? And I think if it were just my grandmother sitting there, I probably would have asked. But I actually had an inner dialogue for about 10 seconds and decided not to say it (OMG I am so appropriate). So I just said, "why do you think she never got married?" And my grandfather said, "these days people don't always want to get married." Really? Because I think I am a fairly modern woman, and I would prefer to get married over hanging out with cats all day every day for all eternity. But that's just me, I am bizarre. And then my grandmother adds that she also NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND. Wait, so she is a 40 something year old virgin??? WHAT? And yet they say this nonchalantly like it's normal to never have a boyfriend and just live with cats and never have sex. I feel like I am taking crazy pills at this point, because this is BIZARRE and I need to ask if they think she has ever had sex. But I don't, because I am appropriate and appropriate people don't ask their grandparents if they think their 40-something year old niece has never gotten it on. But I have to make sense of this, so I do by taking the firm stance (in my mind at least) that she is a lesbian.

Now I wonder if I should get in touch with her and try to get her to come out of the closet and live her life like the full fledged lesbian I know she is. I comfort myself by thinking that she has had wild lesbian affairs without anyone knowing. This would at least make her seem a bit more normal. And she plays second life where she is also a lesbian, but in her second life game she is an out lesbian. OUT AND PROUD. I'm proud of her second life that I've made up in my mind. A small part of me wonders that if I kidnapped her cats, maybe she would be brought closer to reality a bit. Then a bigger part of me gets to work plotting the kidnapping. Take the cats, replace the cats with blow up women. Later, steal the blow up women and replace them with real women. Later, let the women go home.

In conclusion, since I don't care about appropriateness here.... is my godmother a lesbian? thanks.

ain't another woman that could take your spot

I feel like I'm letting you down with my lack of posts... all three of you that read my blog. I have no choice but to admit to you that I have been distracted by love. Yes, love. A love not unlike that Columbo felt for his dog, Dog. Yes, I've adopted a small hamster, and we've been spending a lot of time together lately. His name is RunsInAWheelAlot... I like this name because it is similar to the kinds of names that Native Americans have. And RunsInAWheelAlot told me when we first met that he was a Native American in a past life. You HAVE to respect that. Otherwise RunsInaWheelAlot might scalp me in my sleep... ooohh burrnnn, don't tell him I said that. Anyway, RunsInaWheelAlot and I do a lot of fun things together. I carry him around in a Louis Vuitton bag meant for a dog, we play fetch with toothpicks, and I give him baths in an espresso cup. When he talks to me, his voice sounds a lot like Jerry Seinfeld. He doesn't tell jokes like Seinfeld does, though... I mean, Seinfeld looks around him and makes jokes about the things he sees, right? I would say that RunsInaWheelAlot is more like Carrot Top in that he really likes to use props with his jokes. Sometimes it can be a little out of hand, like the other night when he nearly impaled himself with a fork trying to do a joke about sushi. It was a close call, I was worried, but in the end, love prevailed and RunsInaWheelAlot was ok. And I guess that is all that matters in the end. In closing, just wanted to say that I am going away for a week and should be gathering a lot of material in my travels, and expect a lot of making fun of french people when I get back, as well as a brillpost on 19TH CENTURY BRIDGES.

I invented the piano key necktie... I INVENTED IT

I haven't said anything about this because I don't feel like "starting something," or "filing a lawsuit," but I created a character awhile back, and it was stolen from me and used on a television program that is quite popular these days (what is it, like 1998 or something?).

A couple years ago, I had a decent working relationship with this guy David Shore. Some might tell you he wanted to take it to another level with me. Some would be wrong. However, we used to drink like, five or six pint glasses of tequila every day and just share our thoughts. Sometimes we would share our dreams, sometimes we would pretend to be chickens. This is really neither here nor there. But getting that drunk causes me to open up to the Shoredog in ways that I never would sober. I confessed to him that I had an excellent idea for a recurring character in a novel. A doc that would walk with a cane, eat vicodin like tictacs and define the word SNARK. Witty and brilliant but mean as hell. He could diagnose diseases like no one's business. And he was also a superhero on the side, he could fly but only between the hours of 2 and 3 am, and he could light people on fire but that would require a lot of concentration so he wouldn't do it that much (maybe once per novel). His name would be Alan Home.

A good idea, right? The Shoredog thought so, and he encouraged me to pitch my idea all over town (we were in Wichita, Kansas at the time). A few weeks later, we parted ways, promising to write each other a handwritten postcard each week we were apart. We did, for awhile, but then the postcards became few and far between, and the Shorester became a distant memory. Sad, but gave me the opportunity to ask myself, "Wonder what that old bastard David Shore is up to these days." I always did want to say that.

Imagine my surprise when, a couple years later, a new show on Fox features, yes, the character that I created. And who is listed as the creator of the show, but the freakin Shoredog! I kid you not. And the idiot left off all the best parts (superhero, flying, fire), and then changed the guy's name to Greg House. And while Shorey McGee is now rich and powerful (I think he bought a third world nation or something), I am poor and homeless... still clinging to an imaginary Alan Home every night when I curl up in my cardboard box. THANKS A LOT DAVID SHORE.

I can haz yawnz?

Why do we yawn? Oh why oh why oh why, indeed. If you are telling me a story and I yawn in the middle of it, does it mean I am not interested? No. Well, I'm probably not interested, but the yawn does not reflect that. Recently I went to a lecture on yawning. The lecture-er-er, a man name Kirby McDirbyington*, was trying to tell me and the other four senior citizens present that we yawn in order to "cool off" our brains. He threw fire at me. I yawned while stopping, dropping and rolling. Then, he threw ice at me. I did not yawn... how could I? I was busy leaping behind desks and old people in order to avoid the glaciers of ice being thrown at me. This, he said, proves that overheating causes people to yawn. A valid argument? Of course it is!! I have jumped on the McDirbyton bandwangon in ways that you wouldn't believe. McDirbyington t-shirts, coffee mugs, a car with a special "yawning is for hotties" bumper sticker. Obama/McDirbyington 08. Need I say more?


*Nope


Post inspired by Three Repute

UPCOMING 5 MIN RULE TOPICS

Yawning (tomorrow)

House (the day after that)

EDIT: some jerky jerk thought this means I'm going to be spending more than five minutes on each one... no no. I'm just planning to put aside five mins for each over the next couple of days. TOTES YES? totes.

Essential questions before you get married

Awhile back I received a marketing email from a guy who had a book of dating advice. I blogged about it and inserted my own advice. I'm pretty sure I moved it over here, so if you feel like looking for it, props. Major ones. It's one of my best, really. So, clearly I am an expert on dating. Look at me, come on. But did you know I am also an expert on marriage? Yes! I've seen it all, my friends.

A friend of mine is getting married soon and is doing the whole pre-cana thing. For those of you who are not aware, wikipedia defines pre-cana as "a course or consultation Catholic couples must undergo before they can be married in a Catholic church." Fine. Part of this is asking the essential questions we all must find out before we get married. Now, I have no clue what questions the catholic church says you should ask. I do know what questions Oprah* says you should ask. And I will even help you figure out what the answers mean for your relationship You will thank me later my little porkchops.

OPRAH*, WHO HASN'T BEEN MARRIED SAYS YOU SHOULD ASK EACH OTHER THESE 5 QUESTIONS*:


How do you feel about getting a poland spring dispenser for the kitchen?

Huge. Maker/breaker. If your partner doesn't want a dispenser, he or she is most likely hiding homosexual tendencies from you. Seriously, you marry someone who doesn't want the dispenser and in five years you will be talking to Matt Lauer about your partners foot tapping. If your partner does want a dispenser, but a different brand of water, then this person is just some sort of freakshow. And I would be 77% sure that this person is also a cutter. Poland Spring has been bringing people together since 1845 and I would seriously recommend that you not forget that.


Do you have HIV?

Wow, I'm really not sure why this question is here. If you are engaged and don't know the answer to this question, you might be having some communication problems. I mean, I am a very open person. Nine times out of ten my first question to a potential suitor is if he has HIV. But don't believe people the first time you ask. Ask them a few times and see if you get the same answer. Ask in sneaky ways. Like, your partner will say to you, "do you want white or wheat bread?" and you can reply, "Not sure, but, you have AIDs, right" You might catch them off guard and get the real answer, which is more than likely YES. This is the 90's people, let's get with it, ok?


What is your opinion on the dress that Molly Ringwald wore at the prom in the classic 80's film Pretty in Pink?

Again, this one is CRITICAL and should be used to determine mental stability/detect mental illness in your significant other. The dress that read-haired Ringwald wore in the film was basically a pink polka dotted trash bag. It was not stylish for the 80's or any other period of time, except MAYBE in the alternate 1955 but I seriously doubt it. If your partner appreciates this dress, you should not only end it right then and there, you should think about having them committed. You might want to tear out their eyeballs with a fork and then light them on fire, though (easier).


If I were to have sex with someone else in the bathroom of a dive bar, would that be considered cheating?

Everyone has different rules for constitutes "cheating." For example, flirting with another person is considered a form of cheating by some. Going to a strip club is another example of an activity that is frowned upon. Masturbating while talking to another person via webcam. Posting ads on craigslist for sex during lunch. I can go on. The point is that, yes, this is an excellent question to ask, because everyone's definition of cheating is different. A good rule to follow: if you have another person's ejaculate on you, you probably did something wrong. Also, you can't hire a prostitute for your husband or wife and then later claim they cheated. That's just not fair.


Are you going to get fat?
Nobody wants to get married and then have their partner gain 200 pounds and then go on the Biggest Loser so everyone at work can make fun of them. Yes, if your partner wins, you get some money, but the mental image of them walking around shirtless and in spandex will stick with you (and your co-workers) a lot longer than $150,000. So, that's that, but really, no one can really answer this question without yes, you guessed it, jumping in the delorean. So you have to answer this question for yourself. Look at the person: do they look like they have the fat gene? How many people in their family are fat? Feed your partner like 13 donuts a day for a week and see what the weight gain looks like. Only then can you proceed... but I would proceed with caution.


FINALMENTE

This blog was inspired by Tara, who is the queen of pre-cana.


* I'm lying, of course. Oprah is not affiliated with this blog, this topic, or me in any way. She was a bitch about that James Frey thing, though.

landlords are nerve-a-licious

And also funny.

So, someone puts an ad up on craigslist for an apartment, and includes pictures. Except, instead of putting up pictures of the apartment, the brilliant person puts up pictures of the view from the apartment, or local scenary. I loved the person who put up a pic of the UBS building in Stamford, like that is doing to draw me to the apartment. It's near the UBS building! Snap, I'm in, I don't care that it's 280 squarefoot studio that I'm renting for three grand a month. I don't even know how the apartment is related to the UBS building, but I don't care: there is a picture of the UBS building in the ad.

Also amusing is when people think I want to live in an apartment without a kitchen. Oh, the apartment has a great living room, great bathroom, great bedroom, but no kitchen. That will be 4 grand please. Oh, but it's ok because the sweet landlord will let me have a microwave, or perhaps a hot plate. Well that's freakin great, because as an adult, the only cooking I do involves a microwave. Who needs a fridge, I have a goddamn hot plate. What is this, an apartment, or prison? Is the toilet in the middle of the living room or what? What the heck?

for the love of aimee

My Aimee (totes a bff) insists I write about hemorrhoids because she is a large pain in my ass, no pun intended (OR WAS IT?).

(By the way, as I did my quick research on this topic, I found a banner that says, "aromatherapy: it makes scents" and immediately decided to start using bad fragrance puns along with the word scents instead of sense. The fact that you smell like BO even though you just showered? Makes no SCENTS to me. AAAAHAHAHAHA!)

Anyway, here we go. I'm about to bring this blog into a new realm. Yeah, I'm going to go there. You didn't think I would, did you? Well, we here. we. are. KIDS, COVER YOUR EARS..er, eyes. You know what, cover your asses just to be safe.....

So, to answer the question that popped into your mind when I mentioned hemorrhoids, NO! What is, does anal sex cause hemorrhoids?

Source: http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sextaboos/0,,jdgc,00.html

3. Anal sex is harmful and unhealthy.
Many women fear that anal sex will cause hemorrhoids, fissures or tears. Some even fear that they may become incontinent and spend the rest of their lives in adult diapers. Pleasurable anal sex does not cause harm to your anus or rectum. And as long as your partner does not have a sexually transmitted infection, neither semen nor sperm are harmful to your rectum.

If you are not sure about the sexually transmitted disease status of your partner, use a lubricated latex or polyurethane condom during anal sex. Avoid condoms with spermicides -- they may cause irritation of the sensitive anal and rectal tissues.

I'm here for you guys, people. I'm here. Also, if you click that link, you can learn about more myths about the good 'ol anal mcgee. Good luck with that.

Dunkin Donuts is dead to me

Well, Dunkin Donuts has gone and done the most idiotic thing you could ever imagine. This isn't exactly "new" news, but it's new to me, so thus, this. Dunkin Donuts, the king/queen of the strange egg-type substance, is making personal sized pizzas. Because the brilliant marketing folks over there understand that there is nothing I want more when I am drinking a big hot cup coffee than a personal pizza. From a donut place. hmmm. AND GET THIS, THEY AREN'T EVEN PIZZA BAGELS!!!!!!!

Dunkin Donuts is mostly a right coast kind of joint, and I'm not sure if my fellow northeasters have noticed, but the pizza here is pretty a not too a shabby. Hey guys, its 4am, should we get pizza from Pugsley's or Dunkin Donuts?? No brainer, totes the Dunkin. Give me give me more give me more give more fake sauce. Give me give me more give me more give me more prebaked microwaved crust. All I can do for youis conclude that I would rather be locked in a room with 400 Claymates than eat a pizza from Dunkin Donuts. I would rather chill out with Carol "Aikenitis" Channing.

The only thing that would impress me right now is if Dunkin Donuts made pizzas out of, uh, hello, DONUTS. Donut pizza, guys, come on. Wait, isn't that fried dough? Drat, foiled again...

"totes"

"totes" is commonly used as a synonym for "totally." It is a whole two letters shorter, thus shaves about 4 seconds off my day by using it. "totes" is also the name of a popular commenter on bwe.tv. let me be clear that totes is totes not gross.

Aikenitis

Awhile back I told you about Fozziebearitis, this disease that a small number of men get, including Ryan Reynolds. Well, that isn't the only -itis that affects men. There is actually a far worse affliction, and it is Aikenitis.

Aikenitis starts when a man gets an uncontrollable desire to style his hair like Kathryn Dawn Lang, known to some as KD Lang. Before he knows it, this man is showing men on the Internet his woowoo and wangwang via his camera that is glued to his phone (aka his "camera phone). Then this KD Lang-haired, woowoowangwang-showing man is doing nitrous like it's nobody's business, his face is swelling up like someone who has eaten two jars of pickles and weird things happen to his eyebrows. You might question me, but all of these are, in fact, symptoms of Aikenitis. And I'm afraid it's fatal. The life threatening, and most disturbing, symptom of Aikenitis is disappearing teeth. Yeah, the man's teeth get smaller and smaller until their gums explode. This is when they die. It may be an old wives tale, but I've heard of a few ways that a man can prevent Aikenitis. One, don't pretend to not be gay and then hire male prostitutes at every stop of your tour. Two, don't become friends with anyone named Carol. And three, stop using weird styling gels on your KD Lang hair and start using a little on your eyebrows.

I can't think of anything to write about

I am so not inspired today.

I have been wanting everyone to know how much I dislike canned soup. What is the deal with canned soup? It tastes like chemicals to me. But there is a whole wall of canned soup at the store, so someone must be drinking the stuff. Are you? What is the appeal? Why is canned soup so much thicker than homemade soup? Is there some kind of gwargum or similar type of gummy substance put inside the soup in order to keep it preserved? It's totes gross. And the soup companies have the most insane flavors of gross thick gwargummy soup: cheeseburger pot roast soup, for example. Macaroni and cheese soup with matzo balls. Doritos soup. And what the heck is fat free clam chowder??? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? hello? CREAM? ditto for fat free bleu cheese. What the heck can that even be made out of???? ITS BLASPHEMY PEOPLE! ugh canned soup and weird fat free food items are my enemy.

MY LYRICS ARE BOTTOMLESS

I've totes become convinced that the people that comment on BWE.tv are the best people on earth (also the bloggers there are pretty fancy, too). I would suggest that the people who comment on bwe.tv should head off to a private island and start a new country of awesomeness. I would be the secretary of defense, yet walk around yelling "I believe in peace, bitch," whenever anyone says anything to me, ever. So that's that.

Life becomes a joke within a joke within a joke when you're just hanging out in someone's kitchen and they have a vile of coke in their drawer next to the bread knife. Something is wrong with you if you stock coke like I like stock vitamin water. Trust.

What is it called when you wake up after being totally hammered, but you aren't hung over, you feel ok, but you aren't quite still drunk. You are in some kind of crazy notdrunkbutnotsober sort of a haze. Well, going forward it's going to be called Totes Syndrome. Because it totes is my life.

Ok, none of this has been the five minute bit of nonsense. The five minute bit of nonsense is on bloggers. Why do bloggers write what they do? Because everyone wants their opinion to be heard on whatever random topic they are passionate about. Like me and my Sousaphone blog. I am all about the sousaphone and I want the world to know everything that I know about the sousaphone, and hopefully, start some kind of sousaphone army in the future. Because, let's face it, the sousaphone army is the only army that is going to be able to beat the army of tubas. So this is the underlying reason for why the sousaphone blog exists. I am thinking about the future of the world, people. So, yes, clearly I have given it a lot of thought and have provided a valid argument that people blog in order to start armys. I think, too, that a smaller population of bloggers blog because they are just plain old douchebags. So... army-former or douchebag. Pick.

the thing about jim and pam

I never understand how someone can really like someone for a long period of time and never tell them. Even if that person is engaged, taken or whatever. Everyone needs to know they have options. Like Jim and Pam for example. Jim was in love with Pam and waited like 800 years to tell her. He tells her, and she rejects him. Ok, but THEN Pam calls off her wedding. Jim doesn't even call her and be like, "yo, what's up, did you break off your engagement for me OR WHAT, yo?" Nope. He just moves off to Stamford and says nothing. Later, Pam is into Jim. Instead of saying something, like, I don't know, "I broke off my engagement for you," she says nothing. She just talks wildly about getting enough sleep and how sleep is good. Finally, she runs through some hot coals and sort of tells him. Now, I don't know how this all ends yet because the show is premiering tonight. What I do know is that if I am into someone, god damnit, I am going to tell them. And I hope people are smart enought to do the same in their lives. Geez, go after what you want, hm? I don't want to be at my wedding reception and find out that Paul Rudd had a thing for me all these years. It really wouldn't be good. In closing, people are stupid for keeping their feelings inside. Life is too short. And I will not write about relationships again. Thank you, good luck and god speed.

Meeting someone online

Look, at least when someone you have met in person before asks you out, you know they must find you somewhat attractive. After all, they've seen you. In person. And are now asking you out. The whole meeting someone online and then going on a date thing is just a hot mess because a photo tells nothing. A photo tells nothing of my fourth arm and 49th toe. A few emails tells nothing of how truly insane I am in person. And people never tell you what you really need to know in order to tell if you like them. Like, when you drove by those kids this morning, you thought briefly of stopping and offering them candy, didn't you? But you didn't do it, and that makes you a good person -- dateable. Normally when you meet someone from online, they are 200 years older and have eight hundred cats hanging from them. Because people lie, people. Another problem with the online thing is that something like 88 percent of people have no idea how to write a sentence. But they can probably speak. They might speak well. I'll never find out because they can't write a sentence. You know? In closing, I don't want to go out with someone who has never seen me before. Stalk me, then ask me out. That's all I am asking for. Thank you.

When you visit Yemen child-dreams become to a personal experience.

While I am unsure what my "child dreams," are or how something "becomes to a personal experience," I must say that the Web site I am visiting right now DOES make Yemen sound downright AWESOME!

Yemen!

And so, when a kindly person asks me to write of Tourism in Middle East Asia, I have to write of Yemen. I don't feel like I have a choice. We're talkin Yemen, people. Yemen is no joke. And so I bring you copy and paste with comment! YAY!

"Since ancient times Yemen has enchanted travelers, merchants, philosophers and kings with its secrets and its wealth.

This country in the south-west corner of the Arabian Peninsula fascinates every visitor* with the variety and the contrasts of the vegetation, landscape, the architecture and the people:

Gigantic** mountains with villages like fortresses on the top of the peaks

Picturesque urban settlements with houses of clay, bricks and stone

Deserts and fertile valleys, magnificent terraces and dreamlike*** beaches

Colorful markets with the sounds, fragrances, and faces from 1001 Nights****"


* I have not seen any official study that validates this as true. Throwing out sweeping generalizations without a source is a big no no, people of Yemen. I bet there was at least one person who left Yemen thinking to himself, "I have in no way been fascinated by a single thing I have seen here!"

** Gigantic? It means realy freakin big. Also, Gigantic is a documentary profiling the band They Might Be Giants. It was directed by A.J. Schnack and released in 2002. The DVD was released in 2003.

Check it out!

*** Here is this reference to my dreams again. Is Freddy Krueger inside my dreams, plotting to kill me and running this Web site? Pretty likely, I would say.

**** 1001 Nights. Arabian Nights. For most of us, known as Persian: هزار و یک شب Hezār-o Yek Šab, Arabic: كتاب ألف ليلة وليلة Kitāb 'Alf Layla wa-Layla, Turkish: Bin Bir Gece Masalları, Urdu:ایک اور ہزار راتین ولی کتب Hazar Aur Eik Ratein Wahli Kitab, Hebrew: אלף לילה ולילה), Bulgarian: Приказки от хиляда и една нощ (also know as "Sheheresada's stories" Приказки на Шехерезада

Or, for you people that aren't quite on my level, the thingamajig that brought us Aladdin. So, yes, Yemen is somehow responsible for "A Whole New World." But don't hold that against Yemen. Visit Yemen. Fulfill your child-dreams.


Inspired by

Joel

Take five minutes and try a new band

Okkervil River

Ziyi Zhang

Ok, so true story, I ran into this actress last week,

Ziyi Zhang

(or is it Zhang Ziyi? She told me to call her Zhang. Maybe that is because she wanted to be bff with me? Not sure.) Anyway I was sitting at the Starbucks over there on Main, and in she walks. I was sure it was her because I just gotten finished watching Rush Hour 2 for the hundredth time. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? Ha! Never gets old, man. You have to hear my Chris Tucker impression sometime. I’M LA PD?? Imagine I just said that in my Chris Tucker voice. Hilarious, right? Ah, so anyway, Zhang walks in and sits with her café con leche, and I let her be. Surprisingly, she approaches me and tells me (in Mandarin of course) what a fan she of me, because she is a fellow BWE commenter. Well, I don’t recall seeing any BWE comments in Mandarin, so I accuse her (in Mandarin of course) of being a big fat liar. She didn’t try to drop kick me or anything; she just explained patiently (in Mandarin) that she has a translator. Oh, we had a good laugh over that. Then we talked for awhile (in Mandarin) about the 19 movies that she has made, did funny Chris Tucker impressions (in Mandarin), and put on some Geisha makeup while drinking frappachinos . Though I would say it was a typical day at Starbucks, it was also a pretty darn good day overall.

Inspiration:

JD

FU Healthy Choice

I eat frozen meals, ok? Because it's easier and also cheaper than preparing a lunch or buying a lunch. I usually buy whatever is one sales - Lean Cuine, Smart Ones, Healthy Choice, Stouffers, whatev. I freakin hate Healthy Choice, not because the meals don't taste ok -- they do -- but because the makers insist on putting some psuedo dessert on the side. Like baked peaches. Just give me some more of the pasta or whatever it is, don't give me crappy baked peaches. I would never eat baked peaches in my regular life, why must you shove them down my throat in my frozen meal? WHY? Did you do some survey where the overwhelming response was "yes! people love baked peaches!" Because I have never in my life met anyone who would really want HOT FRUIT on the side of pasta. I don't really think I want to meet anyone who does; I would probably hate these people. They are ruining my lunch. So in conclusion, HOT PEACHES??? REALLY??

Inspiration : lunch

facebook!

I am part of one too many social networking sites. Oh yeah, I am a big networker. So I was wary about joining facebook. What if there are people that don't want to be my friend? What if I can't network properly? The layout of the site isn't very intuitive, you can't join your college network with a college email address (uh, I'm not IN college anymore), it's all totally random. But I'd like to tell you why this site has won me over. So I will. The people. Specifically, the people on facebook are way better than myspace or whatever else. The reason? Some genius started a group called "Bring Back Monocles." And there are many members! What? At first I was a bit disappointed that someone stole my thunder -- I'm the one who owns two monocles! I am the one who has been fighting to bring back monocles for years! But then I realized that these people are my soulmates. These are the people I have been looking for all of my life. And so it has to become the social networking site of choice. FACEBOOK! (that was a semi-cheer there at the end)

Deposit money in the ATM

Like, just give it away. Put it in the ATM, hope somebody finds it. Most likely it will be some random bank teller, but didn't you always want an excuse to wear your "I Just Made a Bank Teller's Day" tshirt?

the starter hub

Who in the world would get married to someone they didn't intend on spending the rest of their life with?

I guess more than one person, because I read a whole article about this while on the train the other day. The starter husband.

The subtitle on the article is "You’d never buy a car without test-driving it first, right? So why settle into a lifelong marriage before trying one on for size?" Yeah, let's compare marriage to buying a car. That makes a whole lot of sense. Yay women's magazines!

So what's this all about? Women who get married in their mid twenties, and then divorce before 30. Women who were unsure going into the marriage. But really value the experience. They really do. It really helps them in their relationships to come.

Granted, I have been married a few times, but never divorced so I could never fall into the same category as these women. Just because the men I marry happen to die doesn't mean I am like them. And it doesn't help me in my relationships to come because people are increasingly following me. People with badges.

I guess that this article makes me want to confess... oh my time is up.

PIMP SOMETHING OUT in five minutes!

I have this stream of consciousness kind of random way to go about things at times, or sometimes, or never. If you saw the first chapters of the thing that I'm working on, shopping around, pitching - whatever you choose - you would see that I maybe perhaps in some ways in some other world have the ability to write something from within myself, instead of insisting upon making everything useless yammer.

I don't know what any of the above means. What I do know that I love writers. And I also know that it is time for me to PIMP SOMETHING OUT in 5 minutes.

There is this piece of writing -- an Internet novel if you will -- that one of my favorite things in the world. A comedy horror novel. It is so great because it is hilarious and crazy and random but yet so well written and CREATIVE and smart and I can go on and on. Writers like this don't come along that often, where you might actually believe they wrote a whole novel off the top of their head and it was brilliant. Ok that doesn't even happen, but the flow of this thing is beautiful. It's quirky, though, and not for the faint of heart or the holier-than-thou.

The thing that sold me as I read this, this CREATION on my computer screen after stumbling on it accidently was a single line. The line just sums up for me what is great about this writer.

"She burst into snakes."

Just a line that makes you think "whaaa? AWESOME!" and totally unexpected. And that is what you will say to yourself continuously as you read it. Oh and sorry to spoil it for you but

John Dies at the End.

5 mins on obsessions, PHOTO-TIZED!

I don't just like things, I like them until I pop. Or roll. Or get arrested for stalking.







Not the guy, the monocle! DUH. I've been trying to bring these back into style for the last 13, 14 years. It's happening slowly but surely. EVERYONE looks great in a monocle!

The greatest detective of all time. Was it the coat, the cigar, or something much much more? We can never know the secrets to his mystique, but what we do know is he is definitely smarter than any fifth grader I know.

Um, well its argyle that I love, actually, but now that I've seen this... um, is this argyle pants? Well I'm totally into it! Argyle pants it is!




How do you think I'm doing all of this in 5 mins? ps im running out of time.

once there was a god and he made a man that was better than all the other men. that man's nam was THE RUDD. and his green eyes are made of emeralds and his smile is made of gold.


wow that was close.

POST INSPIRED BY: melis... topic: "the random shit you are obsessed with"

a letter to joe-joe's

Dear Joe-Joe's,

Sometimes when I am at my desk at work in the afternoon, I want a little something sweet. This is why I bought you when I was at Trader Joe's the other day. You are cookies. Like Oreo's, but without trans-fat. I really do not give a flying giraffe about trans-fat, but I like the way you taste. Here is the problem: you are a bit too aggressive. Every two seconds I feel like you are literally jumping inside of my mouth. You are cookies, remember, not carrots. I'm started to think maybe you should have a food change and become carrots... I know, I know, I went there and I shouldn't have. It is not up to me to judge your appearance or calorie content. But in the same regard, it is not fair for you to display yourself so prominently on my desk. Even when I moved you to the floor, you somehow found your way back onto the desk. I thought we had the same life goals -- to give me a little treat in the afternoon. But I see I'm sadly mistaken. The afternoon is not 8am, 10am and noon. The afternoon is not 7pm, 9pm and 11pm. Yes, I double checked and those times are definitely not the afternoon. So, while I do blame you for making me feel like a 2 ton gorilla, I promise to not hold a grude in the future. As long as you get the f off my desk... stat.

Regards,
MVG, esquire


INSPIRATION FOR THIS POST: Mike, my colleague, and of course, JOE-JOE'S. Topic was Joe-Joe's.

when the five minute rule goes very very badly

sometimes i try to write on a topic for 5 mins and nothing is coming to me, or it is coming out very very badly, or i just run out of damn time. sometimes it's all three! Today I ran into some problems, but I'm not going to just pretend like it didn't happen like some kind of chump named Murray. No, I'm going to show it to you so you can point and laugh. (note: me writing this was not part of the five minutes). the five minutes started...

NOW

______________________________________________

sometimes whe its warm outside, or cold, or in between I'll take a walk down to the water on my break from my prestigious position at a prestigious law firm where I am often referred to "top dawg" with a w... always with a w. I'll walk down there - it takes about 4 minutes -- and sit on a bench and just think about my life, my past loves and sometimes cupcakes, like the time i had a cupcake and it tasted sort of stale. That made me mad because now I can't eat a cupcake without being really scared that it's going to be stale. Being scared a cupcake isn't exactly something to be proud of it. But I love it on that old bench.

____________________________________________________

END

Ok my five minutes were up. Granted I was interrupted by a phone call, but the hilarity of the whole thing that is that if I asked you to guess the topic, you would probably say something like "a bench by the water." No, my topic was, "a green tshirt bearing the letters WWJD?" Didn't even get there, at all. As I started writing it, I envisioned that I would eventually run into a guy wearing that tshirt. He might of been Jesus, he may not have been, but he most likely would have turned water into wine before we parted ways.

five minute family album

though i value my privacy on the Internet, i thought i'd give you a little peek into my world... my family...


my precious daughter.

needless to say, as soon as she turns 12, it's straight to plastic surgeon...

my grandma
Three seconds after this smirk, she had disemboweld a cheetah. not pretty (sort of like my daughter).


gramps. people say i get my smile from him. i say thats just the kind of flattery i don't need in my life.

my loving husband, may god bless his soul forevermore, for it was this very washer that took his life that crazy summer day back in the mid to late 90's (gee, when was that?)


and of course, me. i kept saying i was having a fat day but looking at me, i look quite svelte.





and then a bonus!

the bottle from that time i traveled back to 1955... and then went to japan.

POST INSPIRED BY: deb... actual topic i was supposed to be writing on was: flickr.

Dean

Recent news leaves me thinking of this person I grew up with on good old Death Knolls Road near the corn field. His name was Dean.

Dean was always dressed up like Superman. When we were four, it was no big deal. When we were ten, it seemed a little strange. By the time we were sixteen, well, let’s just say his parents were taking tours of the local mental hospitals.

But Dean said he just felt a special connection to Superman.

Junior year I started spending more time with him because he had entered a Clark Kent phase and looked semi-normal most of the time. He only spoke of krypton every once in awhile. He seemed to be on a good track, and we did a lot together.

Then one day, the hurricane came. Oh, it was windy that day. Cows flying through the air like you wouldn’t believe. Corn literally husked in the air. Dean and I thought it would be fun to take our kite, Kitty Kite, out and watch it REALLY fly.

All I know is that one minute I’m standing there, holding on to Kitty Kite and the next minute I’m flying through the air, holding on to Dean. Dean dressed as Superman. And so, Kitty Kite wasn’t the only thing that flew that day.

I never talked to him again about that day, but news of our trip spread like wildfire through the town. I knew that each of us wondered if it was the hurricane that made us fly, or if maybe Dean really had some powers of his own. Most people called him Hurricane Dean after that, but in my heart he was always Superman.

POST INSPIRED BY:
http://mondaymorningpower.blogspot.com/

A turkey sandwich!

And now I shall recount the time a turkey sandwich saved my life.

It was a warm winters day and I was heading to work and decided to take a shortcut across a church parking lot. I was holding my lunch, a turkey sandwich.

All of a sudden, i hear foot steps behind me, coming closer... and closer... and closer. "Why turn around," I thought to myself. "This is a church parking lot, what the heck is going to happen in the church parking lot? I mean, it's a church! You know, jesus is involved and everything." A long thought process, I realize, but that is hardly the point.

Oh yeah, the steps, and me not not turning around. Well I wasn't going to turn around but then I did because a voice said, "turn around!" I thought maybe the priest from the church had a cookie for me or something. Oh but that wasn't the case at all. I turned.

To my surprise it was a pirate holding a gun. "Why are you holding a gun?" I said. "You are a pirate, shouldn't you have a sword or something?" "Shouldn't you be scared?" the pirate, who I had quickly nicknamed Capatain Yoyo in my head, said. "I suppose you have a point," I replied.

And then the rest is a bit of a blur, but the pirate shot, and I held up my turkey sandwich. And the turkey sandwich, being bulletproof of course, blocked the bullet from entering my cold black heart. And thus my life was saved.

Afterwards, Captain Yoyo and I had a good chuckle. What a day!


INSPIRATION FOR THIS BLOG: TA

oh no i bought a car too soon

i just bought a new car because i am a baller, shot caller, brawler. yeah. for a second and a half i was content that i am stuck making payments on it for the next 65 years of my life, and then this happened. question - when you think of me, what instantly comes to mind? yes, clock towers. and when you think of clock towers, what do you think of? the hill valley clock tower. and when you think of the hill valley clock tower, what do you think of? mayor goldie wilson, who wanted to save it. and when you think of mayor goldie wilson, what do you think of? marty mcfly, who gave goldie wilson the inspiration to become mayor. and when you think of marty mcfly, what do you think of? a flux capacitor, which makes time travel possible. and when you think of the flux capacitor, what do you think of? doctor emmitt l brown, who created the flux capacitor after falling off a toilet. and when you think of the doc brown, what do you think of? why, his car of the choice -- THE DELOREAN.

The Delorean is back.

INSPIRATION FOR THIS POST: JILL

Brits are funnier than you, me and Owen Wilson

Doesn't take more than five minutes to prove this case. I visited the United Kingdom, Canada and the United States and counted the number of times I laughed. I laughed 5 million 36 hundred times in the UK, 14 times in Canada, and 2 million times in the United States. If my numbers are correct, this means that Brits are funnier than everyone else. I didn't subtract out the number of times I cried, because then Canada would be at like negative 3 million so, out of respect for Ryan Gosling, I just let that part of the equation slide.

If my mathematical prowess doesn't convince you, then i present three examples of television comedy from the three parts of the world that i mentioned above. Just because I say so, each example is completely representative of the kind of comedy we find in said parts of world (they are all around a minute each you lazy piece of stapler).


The Kingdom





Wow, it's cold in this country!





The States





Aaaaand my time is up....

God I am such a smug bitch.


INSPIRATION FOR THIS POST: ART

A poem I wrote in the last five minutes

I wonder sometimes about those mid 90’s bands
You know the ones that kinda sounded all the same?
I wonder no more since that one night
I walked into famous daves
Which is a barbeque joint I guess
At least the sign says so
But I didn’t see any people there
In fact the door was locked
So I started to walk way
But the manager came out and said
Actually we are open
So I asked why the heck is door locked
And he said because we are normally closed now
So I said but you just said you weren’t closed
And he said, we aren’t
And so I felt confused by this supposed to be closed but open barbeque joint
So I elbowed the manager who hadn’t said he was the manager
I just assumed he was the manager
He had on pleated pants which really bothered me
So yeah, the elbow to his face
But he was nice after that
Only the bar was open he said
So I walked into it and there you see
Was a band from the mid 90’s
Like the ones I wonder about
I mentioned that before, remember
A band called collective soul
Hanging out in the middle of nowhere
In an empty bar in a barbeque joint that was supposed to be closed
Next to a crappy hotel with an elevator that barely works
I wish I could say we became friends that night
But we became much, much more
We became collective soul-mates
That sounded so much funnier the first time I said it
Not so much now that it’s written down
But I had to ask, so what have you been up to
Since the mid 90’s when you had a few hits
And the one guy replied
We’ve been watching you grow up
To become this beautiful young woman
Which sounded sort of strange
So I said, so you’ve been stalking me since the mid 90’s
Yes came the answer
Now what I asked the guy whose name I know but it’s in the back of my mind somewhere
Well we would kill you but we recently learned that's frowned upon
So we'll just go back home

Let's just say...

you are a writer/director. And let's just say that you write a film with your friends and then direct the thing. A comedy. Now, let's just say that you release the film and now your tomatometer is at about 40%. That means that 60% of the people that reviewed your film didn't like it. Ok, now, for example, let's just say that some of the reviews say things like this:

"One problem: the movie's just not funny." - Ty Burr, Boston Globe

"... for special ed students. Bizarre and bewildering." - Jeanette Catsoulis, The New York Times

"Despite many giddy moments, the conceit becomes gradually more exhausting." - Carina Chocano, Los Angeles Times

"A lame and irritating comedy that is an endurance test to sit through." - Tom Keogh
Seattle Times


Obviously a review isn't everything, but if reviews like this from reputable critics stack up, at what point do you admit that the film you created might not be as funny as you thought?


Alright, clearly I am talking about The Ten, written by Ken Marino and David Wain and directed by David Wain. I should preface by saying that I am a big fan of these guys and The State and Stella and Wet Hot American Summer. I think their random and offbeat brand of comedy is great. I think that because I respect Wain's talent so much, I tended to be totally biased when I watch his work, because I wanted it so much to be funny that it just becomes funny. No longer the case, read on.

What caught my eye the most in sorting through the reviews of the film was the word "conceit" in Chocano's review. And then, David Wain posts a link to another review on his page, where his film gets SLAMMED by Ann Elder and Les Roberts. (Even I think it was a bit harsh.) And Wain just says, "what do you think of this review?" My first thought was, "Ok, so David Wain needs his fans to stroke his ego right now, is this really what's happening?"

And bam, like robots, here come the fans. Of course, the most common response is "oh, they just don't get it." Well, it's easy to dismiss a reviewer by saying they "don't get it" or they "aren't in the target demo."

But at what point is it time to get over yourself (this is where that word conceit comes in) long enough to admit that maybe your movie missed the mark a little bit? Maybe it was just a little too self-indulgent? And that's ok, if you can accept that the film isn't going to be wildly successful. But, please, don't act like everyone is crazy or doesn't understand comedy except for the makers of the film and the fans that worship the filmmakers so much that even they might not admit that some of it works and some of it just doesn't.

And yeah, that's what I thought of The Ten... some of it worked and some of it didn't. I think being a real fan is being able to be critical and not just vacantly accepting everything someone does as brilliant.


Maybe, Wain, if your friend didn't slam the door on me that one time...

A rant, which only happens monthly or so

I am burnt the hell out on....

Judd Apatow.

Ugh, enough already with this guy!! I get it, he is funny! He makes films that couldn't get made 10 years ago! He features "regular-looking" people! They are improvise so they are funny in real life, too! Barf barf barf mcbarfy barf barf.

I am going to see and like Superbad, because it will be funny and I am in love with Michael Cera... even the name of my blog is a tribute to him. But the marketing around the movie is just overwhelming. I couldn't even watch Seinfeld the other night without Jonah Hill telling me I was watching Seinfeld, and oh yeah, he has a movie coming out called Superbad. Yeah, Jonah Hill? I didn't know that from your 20 million television appearances in the last month. And Judd Apatow, just the producer on the film, told me while he was haunting my dreams. In a speedo... why a speedo? Jesus christ. Apatow on Letterman now because he's the producer?? Really, we are living in a world where the power of Apatow sells a film? That's gross. Get him out of my face.

So here's the kicker, the thing that really threw me into QUITE the tizzy ... a "roundtable" interview in EW featuring Apatow, Seth Rogen, Cera and Hill. I think Cera and Hill said three things... why would they have to when Apatow is in the house?? The rest of it was, of course, Apatow and Rogen going on and on about how funny they are, how great they are, and how fucking ugly they are. What are you waiting for, guys, drill the point home! Do they ever get sick of just saying the same shit over and over again?

So, what's next? Apatow is going to be on Regis and Kelly promoting films that he spent the day on the set of? Up next on Conan, Judd Apatow talks about a movie written by, produced by and starring people other than him, but he sorta liked it!

My budding hatred of Apatow is a shame, because I like his films. 40 Year Old Virgin was funnier than Knocked Up, yes, but Knocked Up was good. Paul Rudd had a better haircut in it than Virgin, ding ding ding, bonus points. So, I just hope that after this Superbad extravaganza ends, Apatow will retreat into some kind of cave for a few years. I'm not saying I want a dragon to be in the cave, too, but I'm not not saying it....

random search terms + YouTube

YouTube is a fun, sexy good time that I wish I invented. The last thing that I invented was for the invention convention back in 5th grade... when I didn't really invent anything, just came up with the concept for an invention. And it wasn't YouTube. It was this thing called the Internet. God, that was a hell of an idea... it was basically a giant laser. Anyway, today we will do something I like to call: random search terms on YouTube equal good times.

1. Search term: Dancing to the oldies

Ok, I think I meant to type in "sweating to the oldies," but there are no re-dos in this game, sorry Charlies. Ohhh but we found a gem. Random drunk white girl at some sort of late 90's dance party gets her groove on, and then some. Is that Biggie Smalls? We never see the chick's face, so I am going to go ahead and tell you that it's a young(er) Nicky - not Paris - Hilton.



2. Search term: Whores in stirrups... ok nothing came up, let's try again.

2a. Search term: ATM fees

Uh, some guy doing sign language holds up a snickers bar. There is a cardboard cutout of what I can only assume is a racecar driver. Since I am an expert at sign language, I can tell you this man feels that a snickers bar should take over Bank of America. He thinks snickers bars are good leaders and are opposed to ATM fees. This guy really has a problem with ATM fees. At the end the cardboard cutout comes to life. Is this Mannequin or a video about snickers taking over the world?? Keep it consistent, guy.



3. Search terms: chicken love

What a treat! I find a fine performance by a young man who has just discovered he is half chicken. A tour de force! I hear a sequel is in the works starring Jason Bateman... just saying, a rumor I heard. Will the chicken play basketball? Oh, it's likely. Unfortunately, I can only give this film three stars, because never once does the young man say, "Nobody... calls me chicken." If we've learned anything in this life, it is that we shall never miss an opportunity to reference Back to the Future.




4. Search terms: I know my first name is steven

Nothing from my favorite lifetime movie came up (at least, not on the first page), but this genius vid did. First impression: am I watching star wars? Second impressions: what the hell is going on here?? Have I been brainwashed by watching that? Will my phone ring in approximately seven minutes? Is Jesus on the other line?



5. Search terms: puppy blood

Now that I think about, I think that I have seen this energy drink at my local rite-aid. I was wondering what it was made of (names can be so misleading)... this spot explains a lot. Tanya Harding makes a pretty good spokesperson, I guess. She has energy. Jeff Gillooly, not so much.




Thanks for playing!!

A Fairy Tale

There once was a town called Cheeseland. In Cheeseland, everything was made of – guess? No, not cheese. Kittens! Yes, everything, from the buildings to the trees to the fire hydrants was made of kittens. Dead ones. But Cheeseland was a magical place where dead kittens smell like cotton candy, so the whole town smelled gloriously of cotton candy.

In this town there was a little boy named Tommy, who said to his mom every day, "when I grow up, I am going to be the MAYOR of Cheeseland." And his mom would laugh and laugh and say, "Oh Tommy, don't be silly, you know the political figures in our town are all Robot Dogs!" But Tommy didn't laugh along, for his dream was to be the mayor of Cheeseland.

As Tommy grew up, he worked hard and got the best grades in school – better than any of the growing Robot Dogs, for sure, and after school, he worked at the mayor's office. The mayor, a Robot Dog by the name of Gordon McRobotDog, was quite fond of Tommy and told him when he graduated from Dead Kitten High, he would make him his personal assistant. Tommy was full of glee when he heard this offer, and continued to work hard, cook his dead kittens just right, and so on. But in the back of his mind, of course he knew that being the assistant to the mayor was not being THE mayor.

And so graduation day came, and it was a good day. It even rained special dead kittens that smelled of spiced gum drops. Tommy was happy. The mayor was even there! Then, in front of anyone, Tommy took out a gun. A gun sort of like those guns that shoot t-shirts. But this gun shot kittens. No, not dead ones. LIVING KITTENS. Through his hard work in school, Tommy learned that Robot Dogs can only be killed by one thing: yes, you guessed it, living kittens. Tommy killed all of the Robot Dogs that day. And then killed the kittens because he felt like it and was just used to having dead kittens all around him (wouldn't you be?). And because the rest of the town was scared of him, they made him mayor. And thus the story of how Tommy lived out his childhood dream of becoming mayor. The end.

Just moved over a bunch of stuff

today, from my old blog, in the wrong order, like a dumbass. Hi. Below you'll find a bunch of shit that I've already written. It's mostly bad, but its the best stuff I got. Go wild.

ran into Topher Grace today during lunch

I was like "Can I call you Chris?" And he was like "No."

-- Originally published Jan 5, 2006

my fatal flaw

Originally published July 5, 2006

I can be doing something simple, like writing or eating some lucky charms and of course someone will exclaim, "Oh my! You are left-handed! I didnt know that you are left- handed!" This is an important characteristic of a person? So, am I dead to you now because I happen to prefer my left hand to my right?

I have it rough. Left-handed people are discriminated against. I cant tell you how many jobs I have lost for this very reason. The boss may say I am fired because I "stole money", or "killed the postman for no reason," but I know, that it is really because of my non right-handedness.
Men, they tease me, "Where is your boyfriend?" Wordlessly, I put a pen in hand and begin to write. I see a look of recognition, and then horror, pass over their faces. And, because as a left-handed person I can also read minds, I know they are thinking, "Pity, no man would ever want her and the children that would come from those left-handed genes."

Personally, I dont remember much from childhood, probably because of my handicap. I do remember one thing, clearly: a young, beautiful Megan McGillicutty walks into the first grade. I suppose it is this grade when teachers decide it is time to teach right from left. Drawings of two hands in the front of the room. The right hand? Fluffy cotton balls, pasted right on there.

The left hand?

Sandpaper.

It was a shame when, many years later, that first grade teacher was found roaming the halls of that elementary school, confused. It seems her face had been scraped clean off. "It must have been some kind of wild animal," the police said. "Surely no one would have taken sandpaper to her face."

Surely no one indeed.

if i were born before 1893

Originally published July 13, 2006


i would grow some wheat. yeah. i've been looking into it. i wouldn't have to deal with with famous people and crabby writers and reporters on a daily basis. Instead, i would be a wheat farmer. Winter wheat, to be specific (like there was ever any other choice). For those who are not aware, wheat grain is a staple food used to make flour, livestock feed and as an ingredient in the brewing of beer.

screw all of that. i have another plan for my wheat.

First, i will cook the wheat in water until its moisture content reaches about 50%. Then i will temper it, allowing moisture to diffuse evenly into the grain. Then, i will pass the grain through a set of rollers with grooves in one side, yielding a web of wheat strands. Yes, a web. It will get quite exciting at this point. i think i will stack many of these webs together. i will crimp this moist (mmm moist) stack of strands at regular intervals to produce individual pieces with the strands attached at each end. These then go into an oven, where i will bake them until their moisture content is reduced to 5%.

oh, little children. don't weep. i have just created the most disgusting food of all time. pour some milk on it, little one. it won't hurt you. yes, you are eating wheat. no, it's not gross. it is shredded wheat, and if you are a good little child, i might put some sugar on one side for you.
muuuhahahahahaha. muuuuhahahahaha.

Deal breakers

Originally posted July 24, 2006

Writing has become a preferable form of communication among young whippersnappers. (http://www.google.com/; define: whippersnapper; "someone who is unimportant but cheeky and presumptuous.)

Motivational phrases. Words to live by. Things like this flow from the mouths/err pens of said whip-snaps. Uplifting, they are. Enough to get through hard times, they are. Except for two.
Two such phrases have become "deal breakers." By this, I mean I am forced to hate anyone that says and/or writes these phrases. I am sorry. Really I am. Hate is such a strong word. Not strong enough, though. Not strong enough.

The first phrase:
"What does not kill us makes us stronger." In this phrase, "you" can be substituted, or "me." A deal breaker no matter what. A DB, if you will. This one is huge, used round the world to mop up a young girl's tears after all of her friends gang up on her, beat her senseless and then throw her in a locker. Substitute "dumpster" for locker. The phrase should be,"What does not kill us makes us wish it had." Because, lets face it, almost dying must really suck.

The second is even more maddening, if possible. This one has been heard by any person who has attempted to lose weight at any given point in their life. And it is, as follows:

"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."
It's not the meaning behind the phrase. I don't care about that. It just sounds goddamn idiotic. Such as, if any friend of mine every said that to me, "Now Megan, REMEMBER before you eat that cupcake -- NOTHING tastes as good as thin feels!! teehee!!" ::skips away::, oh.. that's the ultimate DB. It makes me want to almost kill her just so I can utter my new phrase (see above).

Thanks for your time.

ps. Why do the commercial buyer people put commercials for Sonic on the telly when the

disease!!

So yes, while I was hanging out with Adam Duritz, photos of this guy, Ryan Reynolds, with some chick named Alanis (I personally have never heard of her) showed up on the Internet.


I jest, I kid. I am happy for Mr. Reynolds. My problem with these photos have nothing to do with Alanis or that they are supposed to be broken up or that his hat seems to match her shirt and that seems strange to me. It has to do with this illness that Reynolds has that is making me nervous for him and his future as a working actor in Hollywood.


It is called Fozziebearitis.


It is rare and I believe only 3,000 men in the WORLD suffer from it. So when you see it happen to a relatively talented individual such as Ryan Reynolds, it hits home. It really does.


Fozziebearitis is a disease that normally affects men in their mid to late 20's. Over time, the male begins to look more and more like bear, but not any old bear -- a muppet bear. Within ten years, the man is literally unrecognizable.


Beyond looking like a muppet bear, a man suffering from fozziebearitis will also begin to take on the personality of said muppet bear. The man will start to constantly tell semi-funny jokes (anyone who has seen the films "Blade:Trinity" or "Just Friends" knows that Ryan has already entered this phase of the disease).


When Ryan begins ending his jokes with "Wocka Wocka Wocka!" we will know, sadly, that the disease has fully taken over his body. The young, bucktoothed "Billy from Fifteen" will be gone forever.


Here's to you, Ryan Reynolds... I take comfort in the fact that you have a good woman in Alanis to help through the tough times that lie ahead.







Originally published August 1, 2006

the book

Originally published September 6, 2006

as no one knows, i am an author. short stories. i write under a different name. i am acclaimed, i assure you. me and short stories, we are dunzo. it's ovah. see, i am writing a book.
as many of you don't know, it's not wise to actually write a book. the guy that you knew in college that was working on his novel? total dumbass. hey, guy, you think you are going to write some 500 page monstrosity, send it over to a publishing house and they are going to have an orgasm and pay you 500 million dollars right then and there on the spot?
not so much.

the deal is that you need an agent. like you are vince vaughn or janet jackson, you need an agent. the agent, hopefully wearing a bluetooth headset, will scream and yell and sell your idea to the publishing company. not the BOOK, my little towhead friend, the IDEA. that's all you need, babe.

i've got myself an idea. and an agent. no advance yet, peoples. well, it's only been a week. just for fun, i'll let you see the proposal that landed me my agent (and no advance yet, peoples). Alright, this isn't the actual proposal, just the query i sent to the bizzatch telling her that i might let her see my proposal if she acts nice and goes out with my brother a couple of times.

Names have been changed to protect the asshole in the bluetooth headset.

Dear Lizzie Grubman-no-relation-to-the-PR-flack,
Here's the deal. I want to get paid to write a book. I'm not going to sit here like some holier-than-thou literary type and tell you that I am the next Shakespeare or Jennifer Weiner because I'm not. I didn't go to an ivy league school, so I won't blatently steal ideas from other writers. I've also never interned for Anna Wintour, so no messy backlash ifyouknowwhatimean.
Here's what I will tell you. I can't write. And neither can the people that are going to read my book. But they can read. Kind of. That's the point. No one wants to read a book by someone who is clearly smarter than they are. They want to read a book by me, someone on the same, dumb as a rock but not as a dumb as a doorknob, level.

What is more, I will kick some ass on the publicity tour. Ellen Degeneres has not seen the likes of me before. Nor has that chick from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Uh, I do. That's the answer to that, chick. And also the answer to why I am going to write the best book of all time. Well, next to the Baby Sitters Club series. Who is going to top that? Oh, that Dawn was a character. She didn't eat meat. EVER.

Ah I digress a bit, Lizzie, but here's the book: it's called Not So Funny Girl. I'm thinking Nicole Richie for the film.

You ready for this jelly?
Sincerely,
Kelly "Jessi Spano" Kapowski

The Ten Most Dangerous Mistakes YOU Probably Make With Men And What To Do About It

Originally published October 17, 2006

I got this in my e-mail today and thought I would share it with all of you. Because this important information. This might help us to have more successful relationships. It was written by a fellow named Christian Carter and while his real intent is to get silly women like me to sign up for his free newsletter, he is nice enough to share a few tips with me along the way. Thank you Christian!

This is how it works: Christian's comments in black, mine in blue. It's like Christian and I are having a conversation, except there are no knives involved. Here we go.

MISTAKE #1: Betting YourLove Life On His "Potential"

When a woman stays with a guy that is wrong, all wrong for them because she feels they have a "deeper connection," or that he "might change." This woman needs to break free of this behavior.

If you can't make a man change for you, then you aren't a real woman. You are a failure. Just end it now.

MISTAKE #2: Assuming You"Get" Men & Their Psychology

Men are different from women and women need to deal with it. Men don't work with non-verbal communication like women do. You need to learn how to use your body language in a way that will attract the men tha you want.

Whore it up. It works. Go with it.

MISTAKE #3: Pretending ToBe Something For A Man

Don't kiss up to a guy or do things you would not normally do just to get his attention. Being sexy is great, but it's important to be yourself.

Don't ever try to fit into an ideal of what you think a man will want. However, if you put on an apron and bake cookies while scrubbing the floor, I guarantee he will like you more. So, do that. Oh, and put out a lot.

MISTAKE #4: Sharing How You"Feel" Too Early With Him

Do not say "I really really like you" after one or two dates. That will scare him off.

Telling him that you "feel" that he is too precious for this earth and will need to send him to a "better place" that he "deserves" might scare him off. Improper "use" of "quotes" is scary, too.

MISTAKE #5: Misreading TheImportant "Signals" That Men Send

Men are always sending signals about how they feel about a woman. There are four levels of these signals... LEARN THEM:

1) Social: Where the man is at in his own life - stability, confidence, direction2) Emotional: Whether or not he's "emotionally available"3) Physical: If he's attracted to you... and for what reasons4) Love State: If he's open to building and growing a relationship in the future

When a guy calls you drunk at 2am and never, ever any other time, this is an important signal. there are four main levels of what signal he is sending:
1. social: he really likes you
2. emotional: he doesn't have a wife or another girlfriend
3. physical: he respects you and doesn't find you at all slutty
4. love state: he thinks you are "the one"
In other words, a keeper. You go girl!!

MISTAKE #6: Relying OnYour Natural Ability ToJudge A Man's Character

You need to learn how to identify a good man from a bad one. You can't do this intuitively. Men will rarely be able to communicate to you honestly that they are ready to have a long term relationship, it is more indirect. Learn to read the signs.

Learn to read his signs. In the meantime, make up some fun signals to send over to him. A surefire signal: stare at him. don't blink. narrow your eyes a bit (they think that is sexy). stay like this for approx two minutes. then laugh. then do it again.

MISTAKE #7: Expecting ARelationship To Make You Happy

Wanting to be with a man just so he will take care of you is a no no.

Being happy in a relationship is a silly requirement. Instead, spend your days figuring him out and reading his signals. If you don't have time to go to work, don't worry -- you'll have him figured him and really, that is life's greatest reward.

MISTAKE #8: Trying To "Convince"Him To Like You Or Love You

You can never change the way a man feels about you when it comes to attraction.

Trying to convince someone to love you isn't going to work. You can't argue your way into someone's heart. However, a good plastic surgeon is sometimes all you need. A nip, a tuck, a new nose and presto! A new you. He might not love the new you, but its definitely, definitely worth a shot.

MISTAKE #9: Not KnowingWhat To Do In Each Type Of Situation

Men know what they want from a woman, and you need to figure out what that is, or you could lose out on the guy.

Always know what to do or say in order to keep the guy. Number one priority. Try to have a phone conversation with the guy before the date. Not as yourself. Call as a market researcher, then proceed to spend a few hours with him on the telephone going over all of the details of his life, particularly what he likes in a woman. Take good notes. Then take a small branding iron and brand these details onto your palm. A good start to a successful relationship.

MISTAKE #10: Not Getting Help

Biggest mistake of all. It's ok to ask for help. And it just so happens that i have a FREE NEWSLETTER to give you that help!! Why don't you sign up for it????????????? I also have an EBOOK!!

Giving relationship advice is easy. Oh you silly women will do anything to get a man!! How cute!

a random chapter from my book

Originally published November 14, 2007

She was careful not to make any noise as she entered the room. Sure enough, there he was, asleep. She slowly crept over to the bed and stared at him, part of her hoping that he would wake up right at that second and grab her arm, make her stay. But that wasn't to be, not with all of the sleeping pills she had put into his meatloaf earlier in the evening. Remembering that, she knew that it didn't matter how much noise she made. So, with a sigh, she walked over the dresser and flipped on the stereo. "One more time, for old time's sake," she said to her dying husband on the bed. And for one last time she danced the dance they danced on their wedding day, wondering a little how many times one could use the word dance in a sentence, but strugging it off. For she was dancing, for her freedom, for their memories and most of all, for all the lives she was saving. When she was finished, she walked over to his dresser and slid open the third drawer. There it was, her prize for a job well done.

Four minutes and 37 seconds later, she left the house, locked the door and slid into her car. "Hey... it's done," she said, gently shaking the man sleeping in the passenger sleep. He opened his eyes and smiled and she knew it was worth it, for this man truely was the love of her life. "I'm so proud of you," he said, looking down. "But, after all of this... after all of the lies, deaths, everything, there is something that just doesn't make any sense."

He turned and looked her right in the eyes and said, "Why in the world were you just doing 'The Bartman' in your bedroom?"

An open letter to someone named bojangles

Originally published February 15, 2007

dear t bojangles -

this open letter is in response to your open letter, which i have not read. well i do and have admitted my faults, i believe that you have painted me into a proverbial corner, my friend. i believe that justice will not be served until i paint myself out of this proverbial corner with some sort of device that gets people out of proverbial corners. FURTHERMORE, i think that classic tv got it right in saying :

"you take the good
you take the bad
you take them both
and there you have
the facts of life
the facts of life"

i think we can learn a lot from these words and i think you should heed them, my friend, HEED THESE WORDS. they will get you out of tough spots in life, like, oh, being painted into a proverbial corner. and you are very very welcome for that, bojangles. you are welcome indeed. i think that if we learned anything today, we learned that building a fort in a tree is not as easy as it looks, and if we didn't learn anything today, it's that chocolate flavored lip balm will not please everyone.

goodnight and goodluck,
mvg

alec baldwin - second coming of christ?

Originally published April 2, 2007

remember when to calling someone a baldwin meant they were cute? me either, but the girls in clueless used that term. Now, the baldwin brothers aren't even that cute. I mean, I don't know which one is which (except for Alec, which we wll get to later) and I don't know their names (ditto other parenthesis), so I did some research. There are two others -- Stephen and Daniel? Oh wait, three others. Yes, though some people will argue that he does not exist, there is in fact a William. I will give you a quick key to remembering which one is which.

Alec - "hilarious one" or "one who was married to kim basinger, didnt end too well" or "best baldwin"

Daniel - "fat one" or "arrested often one"

William - "one known as billy" or "one married to the chick from wilson phillips (not the gastric bypass one)"

Stephen - "one with the squintiest eyes" or "one who kicked ass in usual suspects but then went downhill with biodome" or "crazy christian one"

I am ok if you want to print this out to carry around with you for reference.

It is no secret that I harbor some affection for Alec. Oh, the marital woes, the child custody battles - we all know Kim Basinger is responsible for all of this, probably because no one knows how to pronounce her name correctly and this infuriates her (base-inger, bass-inger, baseinJer, bass-inJer - who knows? but more importantly, who cares... we all know how to say Baldwin). Alec Baldwin is the funniest funnyman on the planet (see: Will & Grace, 30 Rock, him in everyday life) there should be 12 rap songs devoted to him and even more religions. Don't get me started on his humanitarianism. Don't EVEN....

when showalter, black and wain were my age...

Originally published June 19, 2007

they had already done the state. they could have looked at each other, shrugged, and said, "hey, we are in our 20's and we just made a show that will go down in history as 'if you don't know this show, you ain't hip.' so, let's hang it up, call it day, move to Redding, Connecticut and hang at grocery stores... maybe one day promise to do glamour shots with some random girl and then not follow through." but they didn't. they didn't do any of that. Well maybe a little bit of it but last time I checked, there is no Daily Gawker Stalker in Connecticut, so who the hell knows. Despite the fact that they were hundredaires from making the state, they continued to work. Oh! and work they did. Everything from Law&Order to Ed to "Viva Variety" to little tiny projects that in no way revolutionized comedy as we know it such as Wet Hot American Summer and Stella. Did it hurt that they somehow became pals with Paul Rudd along the way? No. You are up against a tiger or a bear or an elephant and your life hangs in the balance, and all you have to do is have Paul Rudd step in front of you. Wild animals freakin LOVE Paul Rudd. And life, my friends, is a lot like a wild animal. And now look. Mikey Sho's The Baxter. Wain's The Ten. Black's... slamming a door in my face after his stand up routine. You see, it's been a long journey, but they accomplished the state before they were even the age i am now. Now, I'm no comedy writer, but that's pretty sad. and this is actually a suicide note.

i've had enough of

Originally published June 27, 2007

1. Zach Braff. Haven't we all, though? Remember that 30 seconds that I thought Garden State was a good movie? Me either. Oh Zach Braff, you are sooo deep. Only you can bring down the God that is Jason Bateman with that crap movie you put out this summer for 5 minutes. Scrubs is good because of everyone BUT Braff and even that show's time has past, way. Now that he's crying like a little bitch because the New York media is calling him out for introducing himself to women by grabbing their asses aka being the king of all douches, what happens? I have to hear his ugly annoying little voice on the Wendy's commercials. Disgusting. Fuck you, Zach Braff, and your strange looking face.

2. Hells Kitchen. Still, with the wellington and the rissoto and the goddamn lobster spaghetti? Still?? Granted the show is lucky that there is nothing even close to the hotness that is Sam on Top Chef this year. Ramsey is hot, yet, I'm over it.

3. Actors playing themselves in movies and getting hailed as genius. Hey, what's up Seth Rogen? You know, if we met, I'm pretty sure we would get along fine, I dig your sense of humor because, I don't know, you play YOURSELF in every movie you are in - that would a very quick, funny, pothead. Some crack addicts over IMDB are saying "wow, this is the same guy from 40 year old virgin? He seems totally different!" Uh, are these your PR people? Cuz it's the same guy... ditto with You, Me, Dupree and Your Mom. I love Seth Rogen by the way, I think it's more that I really want to get paid to play myself in a movie. It's all jealousy, people.

4. Not being married to a funny jewish man. I'm looking at Jon Stewart, Ben Stiller, Paul Rudd -- yeah, I'm looking at all of you. Why am I not married to any of you? You know what I haven't had enough of? Funny jewish men, like Jon Stewart, Ben Stiller and Paul Rudd. Why call them jewish instead of just men? Funny you should ask. I'm racist/prejudiced. And really, it's because they do it. All of the time - like, for example, that time that I ran into Rudd in the West Village, and I said, "Excuse me," (he had stepped on my toe). He replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I was just standing here being funny and jewish, and not to mention, very hipster-like -- did I mention that I live right here in the Village? -- and happened to slam my little midget foot on your toe." This just adds to their charm and is also why I totally have not had enough of them. Obviously anyone who creates the masterpiece known as Zoolander deserves my continuing love and support. Hears to you, Stiller. Hears to you indeed. (Get it - hears? Me either, I just mispelled here's)

5. Gossip blogs except for the following: Dlisted, JustJared, Perez, Gawker, and TMZ. Oh, you think that is a lot? Check the motherf-ing blog roll on TMZ, bitches. There are more gossip blogs than boys named "Mitchem" at a Star Trek convention. Here is the rule and if you don't like it, don't have a gossip blog -- if you do not update your blog every 5-6 minutes, you lose me. I'm lost like freakin Matthew Fox on Party of Five (HA! You thought I was going to say Lost but I didn't, oh man, did I get you). I am definitely a gossip blog reader that you want to "have." No one can say "ohmigod Jesse Metcalf is sooooo not gay, people! Hiz like soo hot as John Tucker" in the comments section like me.

And just so you know that I am not just negatory... stuff I am loving right now:
1. High technology, never low. Love the gadgets. Go go gadget krzr phone, go go gadget bluetooth headset, go go gadget lamp.

2. The movie "The Baxter," and Michael Showalter in general. The Baxter is just so fucking ridiculous and features Justin Theroux breakdancing (FOR REALZ, no stunt doubles for that badass), and Michael Ian Black dressed in next to nothing (big surprise - his wife is named - GET THIS - STELLA) Rudd and Wain cameo.

3. Lean Cuisine "Spa something or other" meals. Fucking delish. The stuff is made with whole grains or some nonsense. I say to the box "YOU'RE whole grains." You know?
byeeeeeeeeee