Really Eggscellent Relationship Advice

As a person who has been involved in roughtly six hundred and fifty three failed relationships, I like to think I am an expert on relationships and of course, giving relationship advice. People come to me from like, six different cities on fourteen different continents to get my advice. Sometimes there is a language barrier. More than often, there is a language barrier. But since I do speak the language of love, things are cool. For my relationship-advice-giving business, I've built an office in my house, similar to the office that Dr. Seaver built when he re-did his office on Growing Pains. From what I remember, Dr. Seaver spent time in a real office, doing real doctor work for a little while, and when he got back to his house office with its stupid wood furniture, he felt pretty stupid for letting Maggie go back to work when we all know she should have been home with little Benjamin. So, he redid his office to look all swanky and Asian-y. My office looks like this -- swanky and Asian-y. Because that is what people want and need when they are seeking relationship advice. I know this because I did three surveys. But besides having folks come to my office for "therapie," (there is pie involved), sometimes people write me letters, and I write back (it costs a lot of money to travel to me from fourteen different continents). So, in the spirit of proving that I am skilled at what I do, here is a letter from a relationship-advice-seeker, and my very appropriate and helpful response:

Dear Lady Who Solves Life's Problems With Her Beautiful Wisdom and Equally Beautiful Face,

How can I get my husband to be more sexually attracted to me? He never wants to have sex with me. When we do, it lasts for two minutes maximum. The other aspects of our relationship are ok, except he is very stressed at work. What should I do? Thank you in advance for your wisdom and also, maybe you should post more photos of yourself on the Internet because you are very beautiful, Cindy May

Dear Cindy May,

Thank you very much for your kind words, however, I often blind people with my beauty so I will spare of that. Now, concerning your problem. Some men deal with stress by being overly sexual (sex helps them release the stress), or by not wanting sex at all. These are the kinds of things I would suggest learning about BEFORE marrying the man. If stress makes him want more sex, then bring on the stress, you know? It may be that your husband is so stressed that he just doesn't want a lot of sex. My gut feeling is that this isn't really the issue. The issue is that he is gay or has someone on the side. Since you say he rarely wants sex and it lasts only a short time, I'm going with gay. I will explain. Men who having an affair will often want more sex, and they will often want to try new positions. Men who are gay don't like women, so they aren't that interested in having sex. You see the difference here? I hate to be this way, but you are partially if not entirely to blame for this, as you probably "turned him gay." This is a phenomenon where you have become so repulsive that you alter the chemicals in your husband's brain. It's called Mygrosswifeturnedmegayitis and it's really rare, so you must be REALLY rare, if you catch my meaning.

There is not much you can do about your husband's condition. Since you caused it, I would advise just accepting it. I doubt there are any other men that would want to be with you.

All the best, though! That will be six thousand dollars.



And this, my friends, is what we call "making magic happen," and "saving lives." I live a rewarding life.

Unrequited

I'm not feeling well, so we're going to do a little rapid fire YouTube searching. Rapid fire works like this... I type in rando mcgee search terms and we check out the first thing that comes up. Yes? Yes!

1. Fried Oreos

My boys Seth and Austin teach us, not how to make fried oreos, but how to make a fried hostess cupcake AND a fried ice cream sandwich with the wrapper still on it. I like the cut of their jib. Come for the cooking lesson, stay for the weird and ridiculous voice effects. SethandAustinForever!




2. Burnables

We search in tribute to one my faves, the man, the myth, the Burnahblays. We get Pyro Chronicles 1, this weird guy (NOT Burnables) lighting things on fire and laughing like a maniac. We never get to see the guy's face, but it's fair to assume that he looks like (ie: IS) the kid who played Andrew on Family Ties, Brian Bonsall





3. polka dot boxers

Wow, a bunch of dumbass kids throw shredded paper at each other while other dumbass kids look on and cheer. Some fat teacher type walks through with a bullhorn at some point. Is this a sport I am unaware of? Shredded paper fighting? This doesn't appear to be similar to breakdance fighting. It doesn't appear to have any rules, or any point at all. Calvinball makes more sense than this nonsense. Dunderball would be more fun. And polka dot boxers has nothing to do with this crapola.




4. gigawatt

Using rapid fire youtube search as an excuse to imbed some Back to the Future (aka THE best movie of all time), I never expected to find this. This is the best YouTube discovery I have ever made... it actually edges out the Puppy Blood discovery. Giga Giga Watt Watt = song I will dance to on my wedding day. Thanks, DominicFear. Check it out.





5. sorry sack
I like saying, "stuff your sorries in a sack," a term coined by susan and later picked up by george constanza. Thus the search. I never expected to find such musical enjoyment from this simple search. You never know when you're going to discover your next great artist kids! I think I might sign him to my label. What do you guys think? Is he a good candidate for Totes Records? Yeah I know, we usually only sign sousaphone players, but this guy has potential! Real, hardcore, non-sousaphone-but-thats-ok potential? I'm going to plead his case to the board. I bid you adieu.

Reprieve

It wouldn't be a stretch to say that I'm the worst blogger of all time, and if I had any readers, I would feel bad, but I don't, so I don't.

Oprah Winfrey is going to Iowa, South Carolina and New Hampshire to give Obama a hand. Um... gross. If I ran into Rosie O'Donnell and Oprah Winfrey on the street at the same time, I would have a tough time figuring out which one to light on fire first (I mean, assuming I can only light one person on fire at a time, of course). I think I'd have to go Oprah, mostly because I think her arrogance alone is highly flammable, so the fire she would create would probably spread to O'Donnell anyway. Two birds, one stone? Check. So, people will really listen to Oprah Winfrey regarding voting for our next president? Really? The same chick that advises me to buy a refridgerator with an LCD monitor in it, and cupcakes that cost fifteen dollars each? The woman who is on the cover of her own magazine each and every month and doesn't seem realize she is the definition of conceit and bitchy nonsense? Yeah? This is my political advisor? AWESOME! I've never agreed that she should be allowed to recommend books to people, let alone presidents. It's further awesome that people might actually care what she has to say. What's next, Phil Donahue for Huckabee? Maury Povich for Kucinich? Maybe Tyra Banks should get her ass on the road for Rudy Giuliani. "I'm here to talk to you about a man. His boobs are real, girl, I've felt them. Ask no more questions about it. Do you see how I can express emotion with my eyes? See, this is happy. This is sad. Notice the difference there? In conclusion, Giuliani is one step closer to becoming America's Next Top President. ps my forehead is ridic."

I think it would be a good idea to move past talk show hosts and just have cartoon characters stump for presidential candidates. Specifically, the muppet babies.