Really Eggscellent Relationship Advice

As a person who has been involved in roughtly six hundred and fifty three failed relationships, I like to think I am an expert on relationships and of course, giving relationship advice. People come to me from like, six different cities on fourteen different continents to get my advice. Sometimes there is a language barrier. More than often, there is a language barrier. But since I do speak the language of love, things are cool. For my relationship-advice-giving business, I've built an office in my house, similar to the office that Dr. Seaver built when he re-did his office on Growing Pains. From what I remember, Dr. Seaver spent time in a real office, doing real doctor work for a little while, and when he got back to his house office with its stupid wood furniture, he felt pretty stupid for letting Maggie go back to work when we all know she should have been home with little Benjamin. So, he redid his office to look all swanky and Asian-y. My office looks like this -- swanky and Asian-y. Because that is what people want and need when they are seeking relationship advice. I know this because I did three surveys. But besides having folks come to my office for "therapie," (there is pie involved), sometimes people write me letters, and I write back (it costs a lot of money to travel to me from fourteen different continents). So, in the spirit of proving that I am skilled at what I do, here is a letter from a relationship-advice-seeker, and my very appropriate and helpful response:

Dear Lady Who Solves Life's Problems With Her Beautiful Wisdom and Equally Beautiful Face,

How can I get my husband to be more sexually attracted to me? He never wants to have sex with me. When we do, it lasts for two minutes maximum. The other aspects of our relationship are ok, except he is very stressed at work. What should I do? Thank you in advance for your wisdom and also, maybe you should post more photos of yourself on the Internet because you are very beautiful, Cindy May

Dear Cindy May,

Thank you very much for your kind words, however, I often blind people with my beauty so I will spare of that. Now, concerning your problem. Some men deal with stress by being overly sexual (sex helps them release the stress), or by not wanting sex at all. These are the kinds of things I would suggest learning about BEFORE marrying the man. If stress makes him want more sex, then bring on the stress, you know? It may be that your husband is so stressed that he just doesn't want a lot of sex. My gut feeling is that this isn't really the issue. The issue is that he is gay or has someone on the side. Since you say he rarely wants sex and it lasts only a short time, I'm going with gay. I will explain. Men who having an affair will often want more sex, and they will often want to try new positions. Men who are gay don't like women, so they aren't that interested in having sex. You see the difference here? I hate to be this way, but you are partially if not entirely to blame for this, as you probably "turned him gay." This is a phenomenon where you have become so repulsive that you alter the chemicals in your husband's brain. It's called Mygrosswifeturnedmegayitis and it's really rare, so you must be REALLY rare, if you catch my meaning.

There is not much you can do about your husband's condition. Since you caused it, I would advise just accepting it. I doubt there are any other men that would want to be with you.

All the best, though! That will be six thousand dollars.



And this, my friends, is what we call "making magic happen," and "saving lives." I live a rewarding life.