Aikenitis

Awhile back I told you about Fozziebearitis, this disease that a small number of men get, including Ryan Reynolds. Well, that isn't the only -itis that affects men. There is actually a far worse affliction, and it is Aikenitis.

Aikenitis starts when a man gets an uncontrollable desire to style his hair like Kathryn Dawn Lang, known to some as KD Lang. Before he knows it, this man is showing men on the Internet his woowoo and wangwang via his camera that is glued to his phone (aka his "camera phone). Then this KD Lang-haired, woowoowangwang-showing man is doing nitrous like it's nobody's business, his face is swelling up like someone who has eaten two jars of pickles and weird things happen to his eyebrows. You might question me, but all of these are, in fact, symptoms of Aikenitis. And I'm afraid it's fatal. The life threatening, and most disturbing, symptom of Aikenitis is disappearing teeth. Yeah, the man's teeth get smaller and smaller until their gums explode. This is when they die. It may be an old wives tale, but I've heard of a few ways that a man can prevent Aikenitis. One, don't pretend to not be gay and then hire male prostitutes at every stop of your tour. Two, don't become friends with anyone named Carol. And three, stop using weird styling gels on your KD Lang hair and start using a little on your eyebrows.