I can haz yawnz?

Why do we yawn? Oh why oh why oh why, indeed. If you are telling me a story and I yawn in the middle of it, does it mean I am not interested? No. Well, I'm probably not interested, but the yawn does not reflect that. Recently I went to a lecture on yawning. The lecture-er-er, a man name Kirby McDirbyington*, was trying to tell me and the other four senior citizens present that we yawn in order to "cool off" our brains. He threw fire at me. I yawned while stopping, dropping and rolling. Then, he threw ice at me. I did not yawn... how could I? I was busy leaping behind desks and old people in order to avoid the glaciers of ice being thrown at me. This, he said, proves that overheating causes people to yawn. A valid argument? Of course it is!! I have jumped on the McDirbyton bandwangon in ways that you wouldn't believe. McDirbyington t-shirts, coffee mugs, a car with a special "yawning is for hotties" bumper sticker. Obama/McDirbyington 08. Need I say more?


*Nope


Post inspired by Three Repute

my fatal flaw

Originally published July 5, 2006

I can be doing something simple, like writing or eating some lucky charms and of course someone will exclaim, "Oh my! You are left-handed! I didnt know that you are left- handed!" This is an important characteristic of a person? So, am I dead to you now because I happen to prefer my left hand to my right?

I have it rough. Left-handed people are discriminated against. I cant tell you how many jobs I have lost for this very reason. The boss may say I am fired because I "stole money", or "killed the postman for no reason," but I know, that it is really because of my non right-handedness.
Men, they tease me, "Where is your boyfriend?" Wordlessly, I put a pen in hand and begin to write. I see a look of recognition, and then horror, pass over their faces. And, because as a left-handed person I can also read minds, I know they are thinking, "Pity, no man would ever want her and the children that would come from those left-handed genes."

Personally, I dont remember much from childhood, probably because of my handicap. I do remember one thing, clearly: a young, beautiful Megan McGillicutty walks into the first grade. I suppose it is this grade when teachers decide it is time to teach right from left. Drawings of two hands in the front of the room. The right hand? Fluffy cotton balls, pasted right on there.

The left hand?

Sandpaper.

It was a shame when, many years later, that first grade teacher was found roaming the halls of that elementary school, confused. It seems her face had been scraped clean off. "It must have been some kind of wild animal," the police said. "Surely no one would have taken sandpaper to her face."

Surely no one indeed.

if i were born before 1893

Originally published July 13, 2006


i would grow some wheat. yeah. i've been looking into it. i wouldn't have to deal with with famous people and crabby writers and reporters on a daily basis. Instead, i would be a wheat farmer. Winter wheat, to be specific (like there was ever any other choice). For those who are not aware, wheat grain is a staple food used to make flour, livestock feed and as an ingredient in the brewing of beer.

screw all of that. i have another plan for my wheat.

First, i will cook the wheat in water until its moisture content reaches about 50%. Then i will temper it, allowing moisture to diffuse evenly into the grain. Then, i will pass the grain through a set of rollers with grooves in one side, yielding a web of wheat strands. Yes, a web. It will get quite exciting at this point. i think i will stack many of these webs together. i will crimp this moist (mmm moist) stack of strands at regular intervals to produce individual pieces with the strands attached at each end. These then go into an oven, where i will bake them until their moisture content is reduced to 5%.

oh, little children. don't weep. i have just created the most disgusting food of all time. pour some milk on it, little one. it won't hurt you. yes, you are eating wheat. no, it's not gross. it is shredded wheat, and if you are a good little child, i might put some sugar on one side for you.
muuuhahahahahaha. muuuuhahahahaha.

Deal breakers

Originally posted July 24, 2006

Writing has become a preferable form of communication among young whippersnappers. (http://www.google.com/; define: whippersnapper; "someone who is unimportant but cheeky and presumptuous.)

Motivational phrases. Words to live by. Things like this flow from the mouths/err pens of said whip-snaps. Uplifting, they are. Enough to get through hard times, they are. Except for two.
Two such phrases have become "deal breakers." By this, I mean I am forced to hate anyone that says and/or writes these phrases. I am sorry. Really I am. Hate is such a strong word. Not strong enough, though. Not strong enough.

The first phrase:
"What does not kill us makes us stronger." In this phrase, "you" can be substituted, or "me." A deal breaker no matter what. A DB, if you will. This one is huge, used round the world to mop up a young girl's tears after all of her friends gang up on her, beat her senseless and then throw her in a locker. Substitute "dumpster" for locker. The phrase should be,"What does not kill us makes us wish it had." Because, lets face it, almost dying must really suck.

The second is even more maddening, if possible. This one has been heard by any person who has attempted to lose weight at any given point in their life. And it is, as follows:

"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."
It's not the meaning behind the phrase. I don't care about that. It just sounds goddamn idiotic. Such as, if any friend of mine every said that to me, "Now Megan, REMEMBER before you eat that cupcake -- NOTHING tastes as good as thin feels!! teehee!!" ::skips away::, oh.. that's the ultimate DB. It makes me want to almost kill her just so I can utter my new phrase (see above).

Thanks for your time.

ps. Why do the commercial buyer people put commercials for Sonic on the telly when the