if i were born before 1893

Originally published July 13, 2006


i would grow some wheat. yeah. i've been looking into it. i wouldn't have to deal with with famous people and crabby writers and reporters on a daily basis. Instead, i would be a wheat farmer. Winter wheat, to be specific (like there was ever any other choice). For those who are not aware, wheat grain is a staple food used to make flour, livestock feed and as an ingredient in the brewing of beer.

screw all of that. i have another plan for my wheat.

First, i will cook the wheat in water until its moisture content reaches about 50%. Then i will temper it, allowing moisture to diffuse evenly into the grain. Then, i will pass the grain through a set of rollers with grooves in one side, yielding a web of wheat strands. Yes, a web. It will get quite exciting at this point. i think i will stack many of these webs together. i will crimp this moist (mmm moist) stack of strands at regular intervals to produce individual pieces with the strands attached at each end. These then go into an oven, where i will bake them until their moisture content is reduced to 5%.

oh, little children. don't weep. i have just created the most disgusting food of all time. pour some milk on it, little one. it won't hurt you. yes, you are eating wheat. no, it's not gross. it is shredded wheat, and if you are a good little child, i might put some sugar on one side for you.
muuuhahahahahaha. muuuuhahahahaha.