the book

Originally published September 6, 2006

as no one knows, i am an author. short stories. i write under a different name. i am acclaimed, i assure you. me and short stories, we are dunzo. it's ovah. see, i am writing a book.
as many of you don't know, it's not wise to actually write a book. the guy that you knew in college that was working on his novel? total dumbass. hey, guy, you think you are going to write some 500 page monstrosity, send it over to a publishing house and they are going to have an orgasm and pay you 500 million dollars right then and there on the spot?
not so much.

the deal is that you need an agent. like you are vince vaughn or janet jackson, you need an agent. the agent, hopefully wearing a bluetooth headset, will scream and yell and sell your idea to the publishing company. not the BOOK, my little towhead friend, the IDEA. that's all you need, babe.

i've got myself an idea. and an agent. no advance yet, peoples. well, it's only been a week. just for fun, i'll let you see the proposal that landed me my agent (and no advance yet, peoples). Alright, this isn't the actual proposal, just the query i sent to the bizzatch telling her that i might let her see my proposal if she acts nice and goes out with my brother a couple of times.

Names have been changed to protect the asshole in the bluetooth headset.

Dear Lizzie Grubman-no-relation-to-the-PR-flack,
Here's the deal. I want to get paid to write a book. I'm not going to sit here like some holier-than-thou literary type and tell you that I am the next Shakespeare or Jennifer Weiner because I'm not. I didn't go to an ivy league school, so I won't blatently steal ideas from other writers. I've also never interned for Anna Wintour, so no messy backlash ifyouknowwhatimean.
Here's what I will tell you. I can't write. And neither can the people that are going to read my book. But they can read. Kind of. That's the point. No one wants to read a book by someone who is clearly smarter than they are. They want to read a book by me, someone on the same, dumb as a rock but not as a dumb as a doorknob, level.

What is more, I will kick some ass on the publicity tour. Ellen Degeneres has not seen the likes of me before. Nor has that chick from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Uh, I do. That's the answer to that, chick. And also the answer to why I am going to write the best book of all time. Well, next to the Baby Sitters Club series. Who is going to top that? Oh, that Dawn was a character. She didn't eat meat. EVER.

Ah I digress a bit, Lizzie, but here's the book: it's called Not So Funny Girl. I'm thinking Nicole Richie for the film.

You ready for this jelly?
Sincerely,
Kelly "Jessi Spano" Kapowski