Very upset

Originally published July 26, 2007

I didn't tell a lot of people about this, but I was recently interviewing for a new job. It was a job that I had been interested in for awhile, so I spent a lot of time preparing myself for the interview process and figuring out how to leave my current job and relocate (the job is based in another state). That is saying a lot, because I am really fucking lazy. But I really wanted to this job, guys. It was pretty much the job I have dreamed about since I was a little girl. This kind of opportunity only comes up once in a lifetime.

I am kind of a funk right now, because I didn't get it. I found out a few days ago. It's sad because the company didn't even call me to tell me that I didn't get it - I had to find out "through the grapevine" as the kids say. Unprofessional on their part? Yeah.
Let me ask you this -- what could be worse that not getting the job of your dreams? I'll tell you.
Losing that job to Drew Carey.

DREW CAREY!

What does Drew Carey have that I don't have? Comedic skill, television experience, a recognizable name? Hm, you may have something there, but he doesn't have my heart or my passion for very skinny microphones. And I told the folks at CBS that, but they were busy saying stuff like, "Why are you carrying around that huge plinko board?" and "Why is that girl from Small Wonder in our office right now?"

I camped there for three weeks, you know. Finally, Roger Dobkowitz and I sat down and had a little chat. He apologized for the Small Wonder comment (seriously, that totally came out of left field) and pulled out a "One Bid" prize from the previous day's show -- a record player from 1975. He told me that if I could guess the price of it within $100, he would consider me – along with peeps like Rosie O, Steve Sanders and, yes, Carey – for the job. So, yes, someday I can tell my grandkids that a bid of 75 cents nearly landed me the Price is Right hosting gig, to which they can reply, "what is cents?".

After this little meeting, I really thought I had a chance… I spent weeks spaying and neutering animals, sexually harassing women and punching Adam Sandler in the face. But, all of that was for naught, and you know the outcome.

Cleveland sucks, by the way.